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AIBU?

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Original poster

Surprise guest. Should we say something?

135 replies

breakdown98765 · 01/06/2025 23:48

We became good friends with a couple, a couple of years ago. However a few times we’ve been invited over, they have also had their other mate over. We’ll call him Steve.

One hand I feel bad as it’s evident that Steve doesn’t have many friends or family in the nearby area. I’ve also got my suspicions that he’s either depressed or got depressive tendencies.

But on the over hand, I find Steve incredibly hard work socially, as he’s quite rude/standoffish or just talks about himself (how hard he’s had things in the past).. Any conversation he’ll turn it around to a monologue, unless you try to make conversation and you get a sarcastic reply.

The thing is, is when we’re invited over, we get the impression it’s just going to be us. To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

Should I mention something to my friend or just put up with potentially being Steve there?

OP posts:
Catinthereallysmallhat · 02/06/2025 05:16

EveSix · 02/06/2025 00:09

I've never been one for understanding specifically 'doing things' as a couple with other couples. Simply do not get the appeal.

If Steve is such hard work, your coupley friends would go right up in my estimation, as I'd admire their kindness and insistence on inclusivity. Not in a million years would I expect them to ditch a friend who is clearly struggling for the sake of me getting to feel 'chosen'. Make an effort to get real with Steve instead as he clearly means a great deal to your friends. Meet him where he's at? Not everyone is socially slick and polished. If you feel he's actually being rude, as opposed to simply awkward or abrupt, why not name it: "Hey Steve, it seems we've got off to a wrong start. Perhaps I've upset you ‐could you say what's bothering you so we can have a go at understanding each other better?"

Nah fuck this. Single people don’t need pity. Steve is a grown man and doesn’t need anyone looking after him. Op suspects he has depression but that is speculation. If it’s two couples that know each other plus Steve who op
doesnt know then yes it will change the vibe. I cba with people that pity themselves or bring down the vibe, it’s draining. My free time is precious and I don’t want to waste it on people I don’t know or drain me. Invite the couple over to you and tell them not to bring Steve.

GreenWheat · 02/06/2025 05:21

I think it's fine to tell your friends that you'd prefer Steve not to be there We don't have to like all our friends ' friends . If you don't speak up, they may think you like him and will always invite him. You can say "Will Steve be there? He's not really my cup of tea I'm afraid so will pass if so".

Catinthereallysmallhat · 02/06/2025 05:23

saraclara · 02/06/2025 00:34

To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

I'm widowed. My social life is a shadow of what it used to be because of couples like you. It sucks more than I can say.

I was widowed young (29) and agree with the Op. If someone is bringing down the vibe and being negative then yes it will change the atmosphere. I wouldn’t want to be around that.

EleanorReally · 02/06/2025 05:27

whackamole666 · 02/06/2025 00:30

Poor Steve, he sounds a bit of a bore. However I don't think you can check if he's going then decline if they've invited him. That's really shitty.

i agree

Catinthereallysmallhat · 02/06/2025 05:35

EleanorReally · 02/06/2025 05:27

i agree

Show quote history

So endure a miserable evening is the only option? If it’s only the op and her partner and her friend and her partner plus Steve then yes, him being self absorbed and negative will be an awful night. And it’s not unreasonable to ask if he’s going. If it’s a group thing then yes they can endure it if they can tolerate him enough. Not shitty at all, I certainly don’t want to spend my evening with someone I don’t like

CakeBlanchett · 02/06/2025 05:42

EveSix · 02/06/2025 00:09

I've never been one for understanding specifically 'doing things' as a couple with other couples. Simply do not get the appeal.

If Steve is such hard work, your coupley friends would go right up in my estimation, as I'd admire their kindness and insistence on inclusivity. Not in a million years would I expect them to ditch a friend who is clearly struggling for the sake of me getting to feel 'chosen'. Make an effort to get real with Steve instead as he clearly means a great deal to your friends. Meet him where he's at? Not everyone is socially slick and polished. If you feel he's actually being rude, as opposed to simply awkward or abrupt, why not name it: "Hey Steve, it seems we've got off to a wrong start. Perhaps I've upset you ‐could you say what's bothering you so we can have a go at understanding each other better?"

Quite frankly, this takes the biscuit for misplaced sympathy. To expect a couple to endlessly tolerate a rude and antisocial guest simply because your notion of “kindness” demands blind inclusion is utterly unreasonable. Social gatherings are not counselling sessions for Steve. If he’s genuinely difficult, it’s not about “meeting him where he’s at” — it’s a matter of common courtesy and ensuring everyone’s evening isn’t spoiled.

Moreover, friends are under no obligation to sacrifice their own enjoyment or comfort to accommodate Steve. If the “coupley friends” choose to continue inviting him, that’s their prerogative — but the rest of the group needn’t pretend it’s all perfectly harmonious. Often, the greatest kindness lies in setting clear boundaries rather than enabling poor behaviour under the guise of empathy.

Catinthereallysmallhat · 02/06/2025 06:14

CakeBlanchett · 02/06/2025 05:42

Quite frankly, this takes the biscuit for misplaced sympathy. To expect a couple to endlessly tolerate a rude and antisocial guest simply because your notion of “kindness” demands blind inclusion is utterly unreasonable. Social gatherings are not counselling sessions for Steve. If he’s genuinely difficult, it’s not about “meeting him where he’s at” — it’s a matter of common courtesy and ensuring everyone’s evening isn’t spoiled.

Moreover, friends are under no obligation to sacrifice their own enjoyment or comfort to accommodate Steve. If the “coupley friends” choose to continue inviting him, that’s their prerogative — but the rest of the group needn’t pretend it’s all perfectly harmonious. Often, the greatest kindness lies in setting clear boundaries rather than enabling poor behaviour under the guise of empathy.

Show quote history

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Mymanyellow · 02/06/2025 06:35

Next time you’re invited just ask if Steve is going to be there. If he is say well we’re not coming then.

whackamole666 · 02/06/2025 06:36

nomas · 02/06/2025 03:05

Why is it shitty? Why do they need to endure an evening with him, especially as presumably when OP invites then, she doesn’t invite someone they dislike.

Show quote history

Perhaps the OP could have a chat with friend about Steve, but not wait until an invitation is issued.

EleanorReally · 02/06/2025 06:41

invite them to you then there is no Steve

RunningJo · 02/06/2025 06:45

Invite them over “are you two free to come over for a bbq on Saturday” . Make it an invite for the two of them. You don’t need to be rude in your invitation and saying ‘but not Steve’. Then when they come you can bring Steve up into the conversation and see what the deal is, or don’t, you could just start to invite your friends to yours or out to places instead of going to their house. Surely they aren’t going to invite Steve and he wouldn’t just turn up. Maybe they’ll get the hint without a risk of causing upset. I think it’s difficult, even to good friends, to say you aren’t keen on one of their friends.

CaptainFuture · 02/06/2025 06:46

CakeBlanchett · 02/06/2025 05:42

Quite frankly, this takes the biscuit for misplaced sympathy. To expect a couple to endlessly tolerate a rude and antisocial guest simply because your notion of “kindness” demands blind inclusion is utterly unreasonable. Social gatherings are not counselling sessions for Steve. If he’s genuinely difficult, it’s not about “meeting him where he’s at” — it’s a matter of common courtesy and ensuring everyone’s evening isn’t spoiled.

Moreover, friends are under no obligation to sacrifice their own enjoyment or comfort to accommodate Steve. If the “coupley friends” choose to continue inviting him, that’s their prerogative — but the rest of the group needn’t pretend it’s all perfectly harmonious. Often, the greatest kindness lies in setting clear boundaries rather than enabling poor behaviour under the guise of empathy.

Show quote history

Absolutely, I think most people are over the guilt tripping bleat of 'beee kind'... to your own detriment...always place yourself last, put the me-centric, soul sucking whiners first!

TranceNation · 02/06/2025 06:58

It does sound a bit odd how this Steve has harpooned himself to this couple. Are there ever any other friends there at these invites or is it just yourself, your partner, the couple and Steve?

I would personally just make a remark back to Steve along the lines of 'wow, you can really go off someone quick' when he is being awkward.

LoveWine123 · 02/06/2025 07:01

No advice on Steve other than perhaps being direct with the other couple and mention that he doesn’t seem to like you so you prefer to meet without him.

You totally lost me with your couples comment - do you only socialise with an even number of people?? This comment is really not giving you a good look.

IberianBlackout · 02/06/2025 07:14

That it's finally me and you, and you and me
Just us, and your friend Steve
Do-do-do-do-do-do, Steve
Do-do-do-do-do-do, leave
🎶🎵🎶🎵🎶🎶

StMarie4me · 02/06/2025 07:19

saraclara · 02/06/2025 00:34

To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

I'm widowed. My social life is a shadow of what it used to be because of couples like you. It sucks more than I can say.

Amen to that. I have been on my own for many years and do t I know it.

EleanorReally · 02/06/2025 07:21

BeanQuisine · 02/06/2025 03:55

They might bring Steve.

Show quote history

surely that is unlikely?

Member869894 · 02/06/2025 07:23

When I split up with my ex I lost friends who only invited couples to social events. It's crap . Steve might be a pain in the arse and of so then mention it but don't be that couple that only mix with other couples

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 02/06/2025 07:26

Urgh, I have someone who does this. It’s DHs friend so all the organising is done by them and obv he never asks but there’s other families there which means my daughter really struggles as her friend is with other friends and my social battery takes a hit I wasn’t expecting. As it’s just one guy, I’d ask if he will be there and then say no accordingly. Possibly with a polite “I don’t have energy for Steve today” but I’d probably just say “look, I struggle with Steve and would prefer he wasn’t there”. He’s not your friend and you don’t have to tread carefully around him. Either don’t see him or call him out on his behaviour.

JamieCannister · 02/06/2025 07:29

EveSix · 02/06/2025 00:09

I've never been one for understanding specifically 'doing things' as a couple with other couples. Simply do not get the appeal.

If Steve is such hard work, your coupley friends would go right up in my estimation, as I'd admire their kindness and insistence on inclusivity. Not in a million years would I expect them to ditch a friend who is clearly struggling for the sake of me getting to feel 'chosen'. Make an effort to get real with Steve instead as he clearly means a great deal to your friends. Meet him where he's at? Not everyone is socially slick and polished. If you feel he's actually being rude, as opposed to simply awkward or abrupt, why not name it: "Hey Steve, it seems we've got off to a wrong start. Perhaps I've upset you ‐could you say what's bothering you so we can have a go at understanding each other better?"

Often "inclusivity" is quite exclusive. In this case it would appear that by "including" steve they are excluding OP (full stop if she doesn't go because of Steve, or excluding her from having a good time if she goes and steve spoils it for her).

OP should, as other have said, simply say "is it just going to be the four of us?" and if the answer is "not, it'll be five, including steve" then she can decline.

The only risk is that the other couple prioritise steve.

JamieCannister · 02/06/2025 07:30

Member869894 · 02/06/2025 07:23

When I split up with my ex I lost friends who only invited couples to social events. It's crap . Steve might be a pain in the arse and of so then mention it but don't be that couple that only mix with other couples

I don't get the impression that the issue is OP only likes couples

saraclara · 02/06/2025 07:38

JamieCannister · 02/06/2025 07:30

I don't get the impression that the issue is OP only likes couples

Show quote history

So what's this about?

To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

Oriunda · 02/06/2025 07:41

My group of friends include someone I really don’t get on with. Nothing inherently wrong with her; we just don’t gel. So if she’s there, I’ll often not go. No one should be forced to spend time with people they don’t like. Life’s too bloody short for that.

Nominative · 02/06/2025 07:42

EveSix · 02/06/2025 00:09

I've never been one for understanding specifically 'doing things' as a couple with other couples. Simply do not get the appeal.

If Steve is such hard work, your coupley friends would go right up in my estimation, as I'd admire their kindness and insistence on inclusivity. Not in a million years would I expect them to ditch a friend who is clearly struggling for the sake of me getting to feel 'chosen'. Make an effort to get real with Steve instead as he clearly means a great deal to your friends. Meet him where he's at? Not everyone is socially slick and polished. If you feel he's actually being rude, as opposed to simply awkward or abrupt, why not name it: "Hey Steve, it seems we've got off to a wrong start. Perhaps I've upset you ‐could you say what's bothering you so we can have a go at understanding each other better?"

On the other hand, if you had a friend like Steve who you know to be difficult, would you repeatedly subject the same friends to him, rather than give them a break occasionally and invite them on their own?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/06/2025 07:45

Being annoyed at a non-coupled person being there - YABVU

Not liking Steve as an individual - YANBU

what about widowed or divorced people? Are they not allowed to still socialise?