Surprise guest. Should we say something?

[breakdown98765]

We became good friends with a couple, a couple of years ago. However a few times we’ve been invited over, they have also had their other mate over. We’ll call him Steve.

One hand I feel bad as it’s evident that Steve doesn’t have many friends or family in the nearby area. I’ve also got my suspicions that he’s either depressed or got depressive tendencies.

But on the over hand, I find Steve incredibly hard work socially, as he’s quite rude/standoffish or just talks about himself (how hard he’s had things in the past).. Any conversation he’ll turn it around to a monologue, unless you try to make conversation and you get a sarcastic reply.

The thing is, is when we’re invited over, we get the impression it’s just going to be us. To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

Should I mention something to my friend or just put up with potentially being Steve there?

In any case, I have had enough of the nonsense and am going to unwatch/hide the thread.

This easy. Ask. Decline if Steve will be there. If they say they don’t know - ask them to ask again when they do know.

if they push just say Steve isn’t really our cup of tea.

Years ago I was NC with a family member and always used to check they weren’t go to be there but these family members would say that he wasn’t going to be there and then they turned up. I stopped going. This isn’t this situation you can ask and decline.

If you have ever been single later in life you’ll be upset by your op. Not everyone is coupled up, why shouldn’t he have an invite to their house

Most obvious solution...

Sorry, op! I posted to the wrong thread!!

If someone is kind enough to invite you to their house I don't think you can really dictate who else they invite.

But the couple are the OP’s friends and the ones she is interested in spending time with, they are not necessarily being inclusive to Steve they are likely spending time with him through guilt or whatever and are diluting his draining presence by inviting other people at the same time. The OP doesn’t enjoy spending time with Steve, so why are his needs more important than hers?

They wouldn't invite the OP over of they weren't keen on her and her husband's company.

Wait until they invite you over e.g to a Xmas Eve Party.

You see Steve there and say with a smile on your face

“omg it’s Xmas Eve, not Xmas Steve!!”

then wish them all a merry Xmas, but turn on your heel and walk out the door!

This would definitely hammer the point home!

This could be the case, but I’ve also felt that while I’ve bern invited, I’ve been used as a social crutch in situations

I didn't get invited to a "couples" night out recently with work colleagues. It sucked.

I'm not sure why my worth or the pleasure of my company depends on me bringing another person.

This. Amazed at the number of people who think you can have a veto over who your friends invite to their house.

Yes, you can make it subtly clear you won't come if he's there, but be absolutely sure it's worth it before you do, as you may find you're the ones invited less- since you're the ones being difficult.

Most of us have to deal with boring people or ones whose company we don't enjoy at social gatherings. It's not about the "be kind" mantra, but about recognising the world doesn't revolve around you and your preferences.

And sorry, but the couples comment has got people's backs up for good reason. In my experience, people who say this sort of thing are usually very young or very insecure, or both.

They wouldn't invite a crashing bore over at the same time if they were that keen.

I saw that as secondary to (or simply a polite justification of) "but on the over hand, I find Steve incredibly hard work socially, as he’s quite rude/standoffish or just talks about himself (how hard he’s had things in the past).. Any conversation he’ll turn it around to a monologue, unless you try to make conversation and you get a sarcastic reply."

THIS ⬇️

No, don’t say anything. He’s THEIR guest, not yours, and it’s not up to you who they invite into their home.
If you want to see them without Steve, meet them at yours.

What on earth is the thing about needing it to be "couples". Its friends.. go if you want to , decline if you don't. You can't start monitoring who your friend invites to their own house events.

It would be worse to turn up, find him there again, hate the whole evening and then start to dread invitations from the friends they actually want to see in case Steve’s there.

If the OP and her partner keep smiling and gritting their teeth, their friends will think they like Steve and keep including him in more and more events - maybe even ask to bring him along next time OP is hosting. It then becomes much more awkward to say “Sorry, we don’t want him in our house as we don’t like him and have only been putting up with him for your sake”.

No one wants to hear “We don’t like your choice of friends”. But better to hear that, put gently (no need to say “I can’t stand that Steve wanker”) than to wonder why Elliot and Sue have suddenly become busy every time you invite them over.

I don’t think the OP did herself any favours with this comment, but in reality it’s a red herring. Steve being single isn’t the real problem. Steve is the problem.

That would sort of work had it been a compounded observation. Fuckit it, it wouldn't.

The OP made the couples reference as a separate observation in a separate paragraph.

I've been in this situation, where friends often included a really rude and antisocial person in the group. He had no connection with any of the other guests, and would remain morosely silent, waiting for any small-talky, friendly remark and then say something crushing and apallingly rude. A little smirk would then appear on his face. I've never been sure whether the hosts were actually oblivious, or whether it did actually embarrass them - he must have had some hold over them!

We eventually cooled things with the couple since we had better things to do than be put down and insulted for our holidays!! 😃

I'd not stop going to see them, but if 'Steve' was rude again I wouldn't hold back. I'd give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it. It might bring things to a head and if he (or the hosts) look hurt, you could calmly explain how rude and hurtful his behaviour is.

Of course you can't dictate, but it is perfectly acceptable to only accept the invitation if the event is something you wish to attend. Whether you wish to be blunt or subtle, whether you want to risk the friendship with the couple, those are secondary issues.

The fact that the OP's friends have chosen to socialise with Steve doesn't mean the OP and her husband should have to.

I'm sorry your left out since you were widowed, but I'm sure your not boring or feeling sorry for yourself or rude.
I think this is what the op meant,
I'm sure if "Steve" wasn't so depressing they wouldn't mind him so much.

OP can have a conversation with her friend about how she finds Steve difficult, I just think it would be better to have it at a time that's unrelated to a pending invitation