Parents in law obsession with arriving safely

[Brentinger]

AIBU that it drives me mad that my parents in law have to ask us and call us every single time we travel to make sure if we arrive safely ?

If we give an eta and go over for whatever reasons (traffic, food stop, nappy change etc ) they will call us to check 10 minutes after our eta.

It comes from my MIL being anxious and over involved, which I get - but post kids, this habit is driving me crazy. We travel a decent amount by car and anything over 2 hours away automatically gets us our ETA checked .

This would drive me bonkers. It's weird.

Same as when people in families have their location on. Always checking where people are.

I’d love a psychologist to comment on this. It’s so interesting. Am I being horrible to not join in with this sort of thing, or is my world view just different? is it being nice or pandering? People clearly get emotional and upset, is that reasonable?

Any psychologists about? !

Edit: Covid fever taken my ability to spell.. 🤦‍♀️

YANBU, but my Mum used to be exactly the same; if you said you'd be there by 6 she'd be panicking by 5 past.

I refuse to do this as well. Ive been asked to text when I get home before and when I got in I was tired, I forgot and went straight to bed. The person who asked didn’t call the police or send out a search party. It’s pointless and controlling nonsense.

If you can do something simple that makes someone else happy and costs you nothing-do it. It’s as simple as that. They may not be being rational, but how many of us are rational all the time.

But what about what the other poster said. How it stopped them doing things because they are now on edge about making sure they are back by eta because the parent will start hounding them and a simple text isn’t enough the text invites a phone call when you’ve just arrived somewhere or just gotten home and either way want to relax not be bogged with 101 questions.

Hmm, you say it costs nothing, but that’s clearly not the case for OP. It seems to cost her time energy and has created anxiety for her now. Their demands are moving towards unreasonable.

Your assessment feels reasonable, your statement sounds reasonable, but it’s clear that not every perpetrator is.

So they send another text saying “we’re stopping off for a meal-we’ll be later than we said. Home around 7”

I think it’s quite normal. I like my DC to text me when they’ve arrived home safely - over 200 miles. I always called my parents, similar length journey. They’ve both recently died so enjoy them while you can.

So as a grown adult you should basically have to give your parents step by step updates on your life otherwise your cold and uncaring?

Nah. My parents are not bonkers enough to think I need to run my life by them just in case.

YABU
Wanting to know someone has arrived safely is a basic attribute of caring about them, and going along with that and letting them know is a really simple thing to do. If it involves extra information when eta is not met, what exactly is wrong with that?
Comes across to me as unnecessarily callous to call this interfering or controlling.
Also, what's anxiety got to do with needing to know you've arrived? It's a symptom of caring, not an irritating feature of someone's fragile mental health!

My mum used to do this. It was a reflection of the shrinking of her world and the importance of my visit. It was almost a part or ‘rounding off’ of the visit. Asking me to do this was so ingrained that it one of the phrases that stuck with her even once the dementia started to set in. While she was still living in her own home, I would never have dreamed of not calling her to let her know I’d arrived safely, even though, shock horror, the entire journey was by train and so risk free. Wtaf. But then again, I’m not a very important person.

Mission creep. How far along the spectrum of reasonable would you go?

I understand it can be frustrating, but try to keep in mind that you’re lucky to have a family who cares. In the grand scheme of things, it’s a small inconvenience to deal with.

It's really unhealthy to cater to their anxiety. Responding to it will reinforce their behaviour.

Tell your husband to rein it in. Don't answer their texts if you go over your ETA and how ridiculous that they're doing that.

5 seconds to tell them about a big change in ETA.

I always let mil know we have arrived home safely after long journey

I feel like this is more of an in-laws issue than being annoyed about this particular thing

Saw a nice view so stopped now 5pm
Stuck in traffic so will be 7pm
Kid one needed a pee so we stoped at the services now 8pm
Decided to get a bite to eat 9pm
Stopping off at spar to get some milk 10pm
Home now 10:30pm.

Its really not necessary is it. When you just want to finish your day and get home having to send constant updates that no one needs your just living your life.

Actually it’ll be feeding their anxiety. Not ideal. The OP is not required to entertain another person’s anxious intrusion.

At the risk of repeating myself, why would you not want to allay that anxiety in someone who cares for you? Again it feels unkind.

I'm another one who lost their Mum and would give anything to be able to send her a text saying 'Home safely x'. Trust me, when you can no longer do it, it will be all you want to do.

Being asked to let someone know when you're home is just another way of saying I love you, imo. I don't know when people started to become so self involved that they stopped caring about other people's feelings but I've noticed it more and more. Of course having boundaries is ok when people are being unreasonable, and of course we have learnt that we don't need to pander to narcissistic or bullying parents anymore, but assuming any parents involved are decent parents, why would you not be nice and put their mind at rest. I say it to my kids, my friends, we all do, it's normal.

It is also perfectly normal to share your plans with your parents or say 'drive safely' to someone you care about. Being wound up by things like that strikes me as far more anxious behaviour than a parent asking for a text, it's weird.

Basically, this is just another mil bashing thread. And very tedious with it.

Pretty much.

Apart from the posters who say their mothers do it, and the extremely real threat of increasing relatives' anxiety.
Apart from that, yes.