Parents in law obsession with arriving safely

[Brentinger]

AIBU that it drives me mad that my parents in law have to ask us and call us every single time we travel to make sure if we arrive safely ?

If we give an eta and go over for whatever reasons (traffic, food stop, nappy change etc ) they will call us to check 10 minutes after our eta.

It comes from my MIL being anxious and over involved, which I get - but post kids, this habit is driving me crazy. We travel a decent amount by car and anything over 2 hours away automatically gets us our ETA checked .

MIL makes us do this - a quick "home safe", I can deal with, but yesterday we had:

MIL: "Are you home yet?"
Me: "No, almost though, we stopped for dinner at [location less than an hour from home]. Was lovely to see you! x"
(20 mins later)
MIL: "HOME?"
Me: "Just pulling into the village now, yay!"
MIL: "Good, bet DS is tired!"
Me: smiley face
(1 hour later...)
MIL: HOME? xx (sent to me and DH)
(10 mins later)
MIL: HOME? xx (sent to me and DH)
DH: Yes, sorry, thought boxtop already said we were back in the village!
MIL: But I didn't know you'd made it actually home

He thinks she's being controlling and difficult. She is not my mum so I couldn't possibly comment.

They live a 2hr drive away down normal A-roads btw.

You don't know how busy anyone else is and yes, I will always be too busy to pander to such nonsense.

Does anyone else also get six missed calls if they leave a hair bobble?

It's normal for me and my 3 sons. We all have find my friends( I'm disabled so for safety too) DS2 and DP travel down to Cornwall frequently and I still get a text when they arrive, mainly about the traffic.
It only takes seconds to text so I don't see why it's an issue

Stop being selfish and try to be a bit more understanding. It's no skin off your nose

Didn't intend for this to be such a heated post - was genuinely curious to see AIBU and whether it happened to other people (thanks Boxtop for your similar story).

Of course we always used to message MIL to say we had arrived when going on big trips out of courtesy - we aren't that heartless.

It has just become out of hand lately and invasive on our privacy. Of course the biggest issue is DP oversharing and telling them about our trips, which is a whole other issue that feeds the beast!

I always let my DM when I’ve arrived home from hers, if we stop at a services I will message a cheery message about it. Keep your phone on silent. Get DH to message

My adult dc know that I like a text or WhatsApp to know they've arrived safely. No biggie for us, and naff all to do with their spouses in my opinion...

"It only takes a second" is such an annoying, wheedling way to guilt people into pandering to your anxiety. Most busy people have 100 things that "only take a second" on their to-do list and it's rude an intrusive to add another one that isn't even necessary.

I also don't understand it because I don't think I've ever once worried about a loved one who's journeying anywhere. I assume everyone is capable of getting from A to B or travelling around C safely because that's what happens 99% of the time (and the 1% where it wasn't was due to something so big that I heard about it on the news anyway). Driving a car or taking a train is such an utterly routine thing to do.

I don't consider it an expression of love to check up on someone going about something so ordinary, I consider it an expression of control - it's not that you seriously think my train home will have randomly veered off the tracks, it's that you want to ensure I'm still thinking about you.

This really does sound like it's fuelling parents' anxiety. It's not loving to make your parents more anxious. They need to dial it back by not expecting frequent checks.

In our family I will tell DB and my DPs to "have a good journey" but nobody ever calls or texts to say they are home safe. Occasionally my DM will tell me what's new at home ("got home to find next door's cat on the doorstep!") or something notable from her journey ("met your primary school teacher on the train, fancy that").

I feel this is showing we care without raising anxiety.
We never give an exact ETA to my DPs because while they travel at 6 am and beat the traffic, we travel after school and always get stuck somewhere. We tell them if we're eating on the way.

Wow.

Of course the biggest issue is DP oversharing and telling them about our trips, which is a whole other issue that feeds the beast!

Well, exactly, You're moaning about the wrong target. Tell him he's not allowed to tell them when you're going away.

I find it really hard to be sympathetic about someone caring about you.

How is it oversharing for a person to speak to their parents about a trip away?? Why can't he speak to his folks about it?

PIL are like this, it’s annoying. Then they update the family WhatsApp as if the whole family has been on the edge of their seat waiting for news.
They are lovely generally but overstep the mark with this kind of thing.
When DH was working away weekly they’d always text him during the working day when he was usually busy and couldn’t reply so then they’d call me and ask where he was and if I knew why he wasn’t replying (always because he’s in a meeting or on the phone) and would be offended if I didn’t know where he was. He’d often start the week in one place then travel round so I was rarely sure where he until the evening when he called me.

Haha yeah. My parents are the same and it drives me up the wall but I would never think of speaking about them way OP does about her MIL. The world doesn't revolve around your own needs. Many elderly people are like this and they are obviously not going to start going to therapy or take medication for it. "Pandering" to their anxiety is exactly what you just have to do and just keep them happy.

Would much rather be in a family that is slightly overprotective compared to one who literally doesn't give a shit about you. There are plenty of PILs who don't even know or care that they have a grandchild, let alone give a toss about you getting in a car accident whilst on holiday.

Sorry but I think you’re being selfish. I understand about not wanting to be tracked, but a quick message to reassure people who love you that you’ve arrived home safely after a long journey really wouldn’t hurt you. Many elderly people (and some younger but anxious people) do worry about such things, perhaps because their world has shrunk so much they don’t have enough to occupy their minds.

I have always said if there is a problem I will be in touch.

Saying that doesn’t help your mother or grandmother - if you’d been involved in a serious traffic accident on your way home you wouldn’t be texting your mother immediately to tell her, would you!

After 5 hours in the car I have stuff to do.

So much stuff that it would be a real problem for you to spend 30 seconds putting your mother's and grandmother's minds at ease? Really? Your mention of unpacking, washing, Ocado just makes me think you're protesting too much because you know you’re being unkind.

Many elderly people are like this and they are obviously not going to start going to therapy or take medication for it. "Pandering" to their anxiety is exactly what you just have to do and just keep them happy.

Reducing the number of times you feed their anxiety is therapy. It's very easy and much the kindest thing to do.

Depends on your relationship really. I do this with my parents but then they don’t message if we’re ten minutes late 😆 that seems a bit much!

Yes, imagine being in horrific crash at the start of your holiday and not one person noticed that you're missing until you didn't turn up to work or the kids didn't turn up for school. How sad!

But now we have to scorn those who actually care about us and we're no longer allowed to speak to anyone regarding anything because that's oversharing!!

The world has gone mad!! 🤣

My parents do this, it's because they love me. There's worse issues in life!

That would drive me mad too. I also don’t like the implication here that it’s an inevitably of a loving family. My family are close, loving, caring and we are all in daily contact and we have never provided status updates from journeys of any length. It would never occur to me to send such a message so for me it’s just something else to remember.

I would make it a fun thing, share a selfie of you on your toilet, a photo of your dinner in the oven, but I do find it nice that they care enough to check

I hate this too like being checked up on. I’m an adult. Sure I’m going four hours away but maybe I see something on the way and want to stop off.

No news is good news. Police would soon be calling if something had happened.

If I’ve gone somewhere with a view I’ll snap a photo and send it because I want to share not a duty check in.

My parents are very much unless told otherwise everything is ok. MIL is oh I heard it’s going to be windy, going to be raining. Drive careful let me know when you set off when you stop when you get there. Show me the accommodation. What time are you leaving to come back.

Reassurance-seeking makes anxiety worse. You see it all the time on here about e.g. health anxiety. In the long run it's not good to feed the desire for reassurance.