Cleaner threw away/moved/stole my secret booze stash

[Dubaichocisbetterthanexpected]

I rarely drink, I haven’t since Dv was born and since Peri kicked in and made me ill, every time I did.
Things have been stressful recently and Ive been having the odd drink on the balcony at sunset on my own. I usually don’t drink it all and usually put the remainder behind my bedroom patio shutters outside

Anyway, I came to have some tonight and they’ve all gone, cleaners came yesterday so an assuming it’s them as they clean the patio area too

Why would they do that?

There are several of us with experience of alcoholism who are all saying the same thing. We’re not telling her for fun, she needs help before it escalates.

Drinking it no. Hiding it the way you are yes. Your reactions and thought processes around this are off

I will just go back to not buying it then I think

I’m a recovering alcoholic and this is exactly what I used to do. I had a special place outside where I’d often drink away from the kids and where I’d hide the alcohol and the empties.

This isn’t normal behaviour at all. Normal people who don’t have drinking problems store their alcohol in the house and their empties in the recycling bin. I suspect the cleaner found them, thinks someone in the house has a drinking problem and felt too embarrassed to say anything (as a cleaner she will have seen this so many times), and just put them in the bin to avoid having to mention it to you.

An occasional drink on the balcony at sunset doesn’t mean you’re an alcoholic. OP says she barely drinks.

You can develop an unhealthy relationship with alcohol at any time in your life, after decades of not drinking, whilst hating alcohol and the damage it does. None of that protects you.

One of the biggest factors in an unhealthy relationship with alcohol is denial. You dad is in denial, and you sound to be a bit in denial. Not saying that you are an alcoholic in denial, but that your are acting in denial about how and why you do drink - hiding bottles is part of that.

It might help to ditch the word “alcoholic”. ‘Alcohol use disorder’ is the term used increasingly and is more useful in describing the range of behaviours that are all damaging.

I’d have to wonder why you’re protesting so vehemently, @JemimaPiddlepot ?
Is it touching a nerve?

I’m not an alcoholic though, only started drinking again the last couple of weeks. I do agree I have a very anxious attitude towards my Dd and what she sees, because I was around people drinking most of my childhood, as were many others I knew and I hated it, felt scared and dreaded my ddad coming home afterwards.
I don’t drink to excess, don’t get drunk, I suppose I just recently rediscovered it and it was nice to have something small at night with a nice view. I know I’m too uptight about my dd knowing and I need to sort this out

I don't think you sound like an alcoholic OP. But I do think you are being OTT about your child's awareness of it. I think it's good that you model a healthy approach to alcohol consumption as she grows up.

@Dubaichocisbetterthanexpected have you had any therapy about yiur childhood and how your Dads drinking has affected you.

because no I don’t think you are an alcoholic I do think you have some disordered thinking around it that is potentially harmful.

I will just go back to not buying it then I think

That’s not really the answer. You need to look at your own attitude to drinking, to dealing with stressful times, to finding a bit of peace in the day. Otherwise it’s just more slamming the lid down and denying there is anytime to see it deal with.

These books/websites could be a good starting place for you;

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1558749527/ref=tmmpapswatch0

https://nacoa.org.uk/support-advice/for-adults/

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz-ebook/dp/B07Q72P5M8?ref=astauthormpb

What is wrong with drinking in front of DD? Secret drinking is more likely to cause a problem than it being a normal, unenciting thing that DM and DD do.
And the cleaners probably thought the bottles were for throwing away - who hides bottles behind patio shutters, it's either weird or worrying.

OP, I think how you were reared is really affecting what you think is normal or not around alcohol. You saw your father taking a bottle of wine for himself to drink away from everyone. And what you took from that is don't show your children that you drink alcohol, don't drink alcohol in front of them.

But in actual fact you are replicating how your father drank - in his room on his own. I don't think you are an alcoholic or even that you have a problem with drinking but you do have a disordered view of what is normal.

My mum - and her entire family - was teetotal my dad would have a pint once a week at his local. I never saw him drunk. We had a drinks cupboard in our sideboard with whisky, vodka and sherry (this was pre-wine days) - for the get together where someone would like a drink. No one thought about it. No one worried about it.

I'd take a moment to think about how you want to mirror drinking alcohol to your dd. Is it a secret guilty pleasure you hide or something normal and controlled that happens every now and then.

I was once at a meeting at work where we were discussing how to communicate something and someone said "do we have to tell people?" and the communications person said "well if we can't tell people we are doing it, should we be doing it??"

I see you are not trusting yourself with your drinking so maybe to normalise the situation you could still enjoy your drink by sharing a nightcap with your husband on your sunset balcony. You can talk about the day and unwind. Be normal and keep a chilled bottle in the fridge, when it’s gone it’s gone .. No secrets. In the meantime please come back and tell us what the cleaner did with your empties, you have to ask them - don’t torture yourself with conspiracy.

I'd first double check with DH if he moved them, and if not, text the cleaner "Hi Glenda, I'm not sure if it was you who moved the Somersby bottles from the balcony, but if it was, will you please just leave any bottles there be, thanks"

You need to just drink it inside, in front of her like a normal person. Hiding it away will make her think it is shameful to have a casual drink or two at home (which it isn’t at all) and will give her disordered thinking around alcohol. This will just make her hide her drinking as she gets older through shame. You’re really not helping her by behaving in such a strange way.

Ask your cleaner?

Urgh! Otherwise it’s just more slamming the lid down and denying that there is anything to see/deal with.

You saw your father taking a bottle of wine for himself to drink away from everyone. And what you took from that is don't show your children that you drink alcohol, don't drink alcohol in front of them. But in actual fact you are replicating how your father drank - in his room on his own. I don't think you are an alcoholic or even that you have a problem with drinking but you do have a disordered view of what is normal

This is bang on.

It’s an odd place to leave it. Wtf would leave it there? Ask dh before accusing anyone. But if you’ve left it outside anyone could have got their hands on it. Especially kids or someone homeless spotted it and went to investigate.

No, I just get on with it. When younger I drank to excess and had horrible behaviour when drunk, so early twenties I scaled right back and knew when enough was had. I drank normally after that, wine on a Friday, few drinks when out. Then I got pregnant and have not had a lot at all since then and didn’t really want any until recently
Dd as I say, has seen us having the odd drink with friends previously, don’t think she even noticed/is aware. I’ve said, when she asked, that wine and beer etc is for adults and doesn’t taste great, but I didn’t make a big deal of it…so far it’s been ok, I just will need to keep my anxiety about it in check for her. Dh doesn’t drink at home though, he knows I hate it, is that normal? Before Dd we’d have a bottle of wine at home or beers in the fridge, we don’t now, just don’t have it in the house (until my recent trying of it again)

Yes, I think you’re right

When my parents come to stay, I remind them that we don’t have alcohol in the house, probably seems so uptight to others and odd, but even seeing my dad get a bit silly after drinking makes me so anxious and I vowed never to have Dd around that.

If it's outside in the weather we have been having it will be warm and anyone cleaning would easily assume that it's rubbish/not wanted if it's something that should be in a fridge

Someone homeless got into my home, went upstairs, into my room, onto the terrace and took them 😬

If you want to have a drink I would suggest you wait for your husband to put your daughter to bed and have a drink with your husband rather than creeping about having a secret drink while your husband is not allowed to drink in the house. That's pretty hypocritical.

I would keep your drinking to only once or twice a week as I believe you could be more likely to become alcohol dependent if your parent was. I'm not sure if that's behavioural or genetic but I believe it is the case.

You don't need to hide having a single drink from your child. Most adults have a drink now and again. Fortunately she will not see drunk people/drunken aggression etc as you did.