Cleaner threw away/moved/stole my secret booze stash

[Dubaichocisbetterthanexpected]

I rarely drink, I haven’t since Dv was born and since Peri kicked in and made me ill, every time I did.
Things have been stressful recently and Ive been having the odd drink on the balcony at sunset on my own. I usually don’t drink it all and usually put the remainder behind my bedroom patio shutters outside

Anyway, I came to have some tonight and they’ve all gone, cleaners came yesterday so an assuming it’s them as they clean the patio area too

Why would they do that?

Isn’t the terrace on the outside of your home?

You need to talk to your DP.

Yes…but second floor, upstairs, coming off my bedroom. They’d have to break in and go upstairs or climb up the outside walls of my house 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you think it’s him?

Please believe me when I say that children are far more observant than we adults like to think, and that all of us tend to have a weird feeling when something is being hidden or kept from us even if we can't quite see or put our finger on what it is. It will be much more damaging to your daughter to drink secretly than to have the odd, healthy, normal drink in front of her. I speak from some experience here. Anything parents do secretively gets coded as shameful for their kids. When we attach shame to things they get twisted and distorted for us and we are much more likely to develop disordered behaviour around them. By drinking in secret you are signalling to your daughter that drinking is shameful. She is much less likely therefore to have a normal healthy relationship with alcohol herself. On the other hand, modelling positive - controlled, open, transparent, considerate - behaviour around alcohol in front of her will help her develop a positive relationship with it herself. Drink, or don't drink, but don't create a culture of secrecy and therefore shame around drinking in your home that will shape your daughter forever.

No idea. But it’s at least as likely as the cleaner. And either way, he needs to know about it.

OP, I’d bin this thread off. There is few more taboo things on MN than someone enjoying a drink. You’ll be signposted to your nearest rehab shortly.

The stashing it is a bit weird, even more so I think for the reasons you give. At least get a cool box or something for the patio for it! I definitely think you do have some lingering feeling around drinking in the house, but you know yourself your drinking is nothing like your dad, you would not come across to dc as he did to you.

You’re right, thank you

Do you think it’s ok to just carry on with rarely having booze in the house, but not making a big deal out of it?
i will knock this phase on the head so won’t get more

Why?

Apologies I don’t know the layout of your house. When you said outside I was thinking back garden.

I’ve just looked up what Summerbys is. I’m not a cider drinker so be why I’ve not heard of it. But noticed it’s in bottles.They could have been knocked over and smashed? Or the wind has knocked them over? It’s been windy where I live last few days for sure. The cleaner or your DH might have just cleared it up & forgot to let you know. Don’t just assume someone has took it. They wouldn’t risk their job over some cheap bottles of plonk.

Don't blame the cleaners, they probably assumed the bottles were finished with since they were on your patio. If you have to hide bottles you have a problem. It's probably not serious but have a think about the way forward.

@Dubaichocisbetterthanexpected I'm not sure what you mean by "not making a big deal out of it", sorry. I think it's deffo ok to decide not to have alcohol in the house - if that's a decision you want to make! Just be open and clear about it and if your daughter ever asks about it, I would really try to be open with her about it rather than try to brush her questions aside - candour and transparency are always the best approach, age-appropriately of course when it comes to kids! But equally you don't need to proclaim your decision from the rooftops. It's your house, your call, and your decision to own if anyone ever asks.

The secret drinking is not a good habit to have, so they have done you a favour.

Every week or so I see a middle aged man in taking a bag of bottles of cider to put it in the bin on our dog walk. It makes me so sad.

Don't make alcohol into a secret, it's a terrible slippery slope.

PS @Dubaichocisbetterthanexpected I would really suggest you seek out a local chapter of Al-Anon Family Groups. They are focused on helping people who've been impacted by a family member or friend who suffered from alcoholism, and do amazing work. You've had a lot of difficult stuff to deal with in your family on this front and you deserve support to work through it. It's a lot to process alone.

You pay your cleaner to clean up after you, so that's what they've done, thinking they were left out there after a party or somesuch. Or maybe it was DH. If you don't want this to happen, then tell them you want your special bottles, empty or full, to stay on the balcony. Or, tidy them away yourself. I expect the full one has been sensibly relocated into a fridge, cupboard, or wine rack.

Are they new cleaners?
I’d tell them that you had some bottles of alcohol there and ask where they moved it as you can’t find it. This way you’re not putting any blame on them or accusing them of taking it, but asking them what they know.

They’ve probably just moved them. Behind patio shutters on a balcony is not where bottles are kept so they’ve probably just popped them somewhere that people normally keep alcohol. Like when my cleaner comes, if there’s a sofa cushion on the floor she will put it back on the sofa rather than think “oh this sofa cushion must be being kept here for inexplicable childhood based psychodrama reason so I will leave it.”

Have a good root around the kitchen I am sure you will find it.

Drinking clandestine (warm?) cider kept outdoors is bizarre. It's either very disordered or very student-y. If you don't drink to excess, just keep it in a back of a cupboard and then when you plan to have a drink move them into the freezer for an hour or two. Or buy alcohol free or cordial instead if you drink to excess.

WOW Op your deluding yourself and have a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Your drinking everyday. That is a problem with your attitude as you think because your hiding it it isn't an issue. Also your looking to it to relax you. I would suggest some therapy.

That right there is an unhealthy relationship with alcohol

exactly. Im very concerned for OP

Ah, the good old “Well it happened to my friend so it must be true” school of diagnostics.

Oh FFS.

You’re protesting too much, @JemimaPiddlepot
The thread isn’t even about you.

I agree with others OP that this is not healthy.
You have a family history of alcoholism.
You've gone from drinking a handful of times per year to drinking 2-3 times per week.
You drink alone and in secret.
You hide the alcohol and the empties.
You don’t want your daughter to see you having a civilised glass of wine with a meal, but you risk her finding you alone on the terrace drinking cider furtively.
You continue to maintain that you “barely drink”, when in fact you’re now drinking quite often.
You continue to claim that you don’t have alcohol in the house, when you patently do.

If I were you I’d stop completely and go back to how you were, because otherwise it looks as if this is just going in one direction.