Was DM's remark about my pregnancy inappropriate or am I hyper-sensitive?

[ItsNotLupus]

I'm 39 weeks pregnant with my first child, and all pregnancy I've hoped and prepped for a vaginal birth. Despite doing all the planning I can (hypnobirthing course, perineal massage, birthing ball exercises - you name it, I've done it!), my plans were scuppered when my baby was confirmed as breech and now I'll be having a C-section. I was upset at first, as I'd been almost looking forward to labour, and I'm quite scared of the surgery, but I've come to terms with it.

I told DM today about the situation and her reaction has upset me all over again. She was openly disappointed at the news I'll be having a section and said to me, "but now you won't be able to tell people you've given birth to your baby, as a section isn't natural". I was very taken aback, I didn't even know people held this attitude? I expressed that the only important thing was baby being born safely and me being well, to which she doubled down and said "but the baby won't have been 'born' will it". I think she's embarrassed at the prospect of telling people her grandchild wasn't birthed vaginally (further context - she's in her 50s and this will be her first grandchild - not sure if that's relevant to her attitude?).

My DH is furious and thinks I need to challenge her on it, but she can be a difficult woman and sometimes it's easier to just let things go to keep the peace. I don't think I will challenge her on it, but it has been playing on my mind and so I wanted either validation or a reality check from MNetters to work out if I'm being sensitive, or if she is out of order.

YABU - You're being sensitive.
YANBU - Her comment was out of order.

Not "born"? How does she think around 30% of babies enter the world? By stork?!

Her comment was out of order but there is little to be gained by making a fuss. Just focus on yourself right now. For what it’s worth, I had 2 c-sections within 16 months of each other and they were great - baby is out in 30 minutes and I had an easy recovery over a few days.

You will absolutely have birthed your baby in the safest and most appropriate way for you both. You will be no less of a mother for the way you give birth-you've carried your dc for 9 months, it doesn't matter in the slightest how they emerge. Your DM is batshit.

I had an ELCS and it was brilliant, super calm and relaxed. The one thing I wish I'd known-take a shot of lactulose beforehand, you will thank me later. Congratulations OP, not long until you have your beautiful baby!

What a strange and unsupportive thing to say. I don't know how much challenging her will help, seems like she's set in her views. I wouldn't engage with her about it again, and maybe have some sort of phrase you say if she brings it up again.

'It's safest for me and my baby and that's what's important to me.'

Also, why the fuck would she be telling people how your baby was birthed?

Hope all goes well OP. And yes you will have birthed your baby.

Imo if you don't challenge her pre birth you will be leaving things wide open for her to bloody well ruin when you precious dc is here....
I early 50's and supported my dd through her dc's birth. Whichever way that had turned out she would have had my full support..
Imo tell dm your dc has arrived when you are ready. Even if that takes weeks... She has no rights to be bringing you down. And def no rights to being a dgm.

To be fair, she’s probably a difficult woman because no one calls her out for shitty comments like this! YANBU.

Yeah, this is her crazy showing... Pop it in with all the other behaviour that you have graciously hidden behind the phrase "difficult woman" and don't look back.

You have lots of these stories I bet, and I reckon you'll have a whole heap more soon if this is how she's approaching you birthing your child.

It's like she's one of the witches in Macbeth, when they foretell that Macbeth won't be killed by a man born of woman... Of course you'll birth your child...

2ND WITCH
Be bloody, bold, and resolute. Laugh to scorn

The power of man, for none of woman born Shall harm Macbeth.

MACBETH
Then live, Macduff. What need I fear of thee?

I would message her saying something like “I just wanted to say I was upset by your comments on c sections earlier, this is what my doctors have decided is best and the manner of birth isn’t going to make any difference to the baby except possibly saving its life or my life. I’d appreciate it if you could avoid any more negative remarks on C sections as it’s deeply unhelpful for me at this time.”

And if she doesn’t like it she can bloody lump it! She needs telling quite honestly.

Her age has nothing to go with it! I’m 50 with a 10 year old and couldn’t give a hoot how other women give birth. Your DM sounds like she has ridiculous, fixed ideas.

As long as your baby arrives safely it doesn’t matter whether it was vaginal or ELCS - and your DM’s friends really won’t be interested, disappointed, etc in your method of giving birth either.

Why do people make such idiotic comments?
You and your baby need to be safe first and foremost. No one I know would make any judgement about how a baby is born.

This is perfect. Nip it in the bud OP, and wishing you a safe delivery. I had two sections and don't consider my experience any less!

That’s flipping awful. You have to call her out on this. God love you with all my witch like that for a mother. 🥲 Good luck with the birth of your first child.

I mean infant mortality used to be fairly ‘natural’ but now there modern medicine and surely we’re all grateful.

but you’re probably upset and it’s clouding your feelings slightly. Challenge if you want to/ can face having the conversation but don’t dwell on her comment. If she says anything similar to anyone they will be judging her not you or your child. Xx

Well out of order. Absolutely disgraceful comment from her. Sounds like she's going to be a complete pain in the arse GM.

Crikey, I can’t believe she’s only in her fifties as that’s a really old fashioned view to have. At least you’ve got a good excuse to keep her at arms length afterwards, ‘sorry mum, no point coming over as the baby hasn’t been born yet’ 🙄

My oldest dd is pregnant. Your mum’s comments are very odd and inappropriate.
How are you not giving birth?
Surely all that matter is the safety of you and your baby? That’s all I’m bothered about.
I am with your dh.

Great idea.

I saw a story like this, on BP maybe, and couldn't understand how the poster could say a baby's not been born if it was CS. Obviously there's a birth certificate. Maybe the woman posting had a really difficult labour and was jealous? I don't know. Either way, it seems weird. If your mum was worried about CS, then I could understand it (and you could reassure her that planned CS these days are very safe), but that doesn't seem to be the issue. Could it be she wanted to support you during labour, or was looking forward to telling a dramatic labour story? Either way, it's not about her, but about you. Some people used to be very anti non emergency CS-during my first pregnancy, one of the midwives at antenatal droned on about how we must all have natural births (even though I wanted one, I knew full well it was statistically unlikely that none of the women in the room would need a CS), but I thought most people had moved on from that.

I had a vaginal and I had a c section. Both children survived, as did I, that’s the point.

Your DM is a fool.

How bloody insensitive!

Someone needs to tell her to stop being so fucking ridiculous !

ALL that truly matters is your baby is delivered safely & you're both ok.

Obviously it's disappointing for YOU, as you worked towards a vaginal birth.

why in gods name is she thinking about what other people might think (they won't) she's barking! (And no her age has nothing to do with either her thinking or her insensitivity) 56 yo dinosaur here, with older relatives who would also think she's well out of line.

try not to stress about the c section 😘

youre going to need to learn
ti be un afraid if telling her straight that her opinions are batshit & to STFU or it's going to be a nightmare with the baby.

squeeeee. 56 but SO envious!!

You are not overreacting, that was extremely insensitive of your Mum.

Is she a witch from Macbeth?! Of course it's giving birth! Of course your child will have been born!

I hope it goes well for you. All the people I've heard about having planned C-sections have had good experiences, so hopefully it'll be straightforward. There's always some judgement people can make: hospital or home, pain medication or not, blah blah. Ignore her nonsense if you don't want to confront her.

Very old fashioned view and that’s exactly why they no longer refer to a vaginal birth as a natural birth, as it created this stigma.

i would be hard pushed to let this slide but maybe see how she is after baby has being born.

I've got a 95 year old (great) Aunt who would think no such thing! Her only thoughts would be getting the baby out in the safest way for baby & mum. She's old. She's not a twat!

It’s a bit silly and I’d just ignore her, though I do think more people hold the view that sections aren’t quite Proper Births than will admit it.