Was DM's remark about my pregnancy inappropriate or am I hyper-sensitive?

[ItsNotLupus]

I'm 39 weeks pregnant with my first child, and all pregnancy I've hoped and prepped for a vaginal birth. Despite doing all the planning I can (hypnobirthing course, perineal massage, birthing ball exercises - you name it, I've done it!), my plans were scuppered when my baby was confirmed as breech and now I'll be having a C-section. I was upset at first, as I'd been almost looking forward to labour, and I'm quite scared of the surgery, but I've come to terms with it.

I told DM today about the situation and her reaction has upset me all over again. She was openly disappointed at the news I'll be having a section and said to me, "but now you won't be able to tell people you've given birth to your baby, as a section isn't natural". I was very taken aback, I didn't even know people held this attitude? I expressed that the only important thing was baby being born safely and me being well, to which she doubled down and said "but the baby won't have been 'born' will it". I think she's embarrassed at the prospect of telling people her grandchild wasn't birthed vaginally (further context - she's in her 50s and this will be her first grandchild - not sure if that's relevant to her attitude?).

My DH is furious and thinks I need to challenge her on it, but she can be a difficult woman and sometimes it's easier to just let things go to keep the peace. I don't think I will challenge her on it, but it has been playing on my mind and so I wanted either validation or a reality check from MNetters to work out if I'm being sensitive, or if she is out of order.

YABU - You're being sensitive.
YANBU - Her comment was out of order.

So the main pont is that she can be a difficult woman

Smile and wave
Haha mum too funny

You ll need a strategy to deal with her going forward that doesn't say your energy

I was clearly speaking generally 🙄 I'm sure the OP is intelligent enough to know that a stranger on MN is not giving her medical advice given that they have none of her medical history. Please credit her with the intelligence she deserves. I was clearly suggesting it as an option to research herself. There is evidence, I just don't have it to hand as this is a new laptop and I haven't transferred over my files yet but I'm sure the people in the group I linked will be able to link evidence-based research, and there are medical professionals in that group too.

I'm fortunate to have brilliant friends and very supportive in-laws, in the absence of a functional family, so I'm well supported. Thank you 😊

I'm sure my mum won't have even realised that what she said was inappropriate, and no doubt she won't give it a second thought once she's into the GM role. If it comes up again post-birth (or whatever else it's called when it's not vaginal - evacuation? eruption? tunnelled out?!) I will be telling her to pipe down though.

Yeah she’s out of order, ignore and focus on the more important matter of having your baby, i wouldn’t stress yourself about it.

going forward whenever you are speaking to your DM refuse to use the word birth when talking about this auspicious day, find a more suitable word such as “teleported”, “manifested”, “spawned” etc

I was relieved (in my mid 60s) when my DD said she was going to have a planned caesarian!

The only thing I can think of is that your mum knew how much you'd hoped, and how hard you'd worked, to have a vaginal birth, and was trying to empathise with what she thought you'd be upset about.

But yes, you need to say something so that she doesn't start going on about it again when your baby arrives.

Why the hell would she be telling anyone any more details than "I've got a grandchild!" anyway?!
She's entitled to think what she wants but she didn't have to say it - it was completely unnecessary. You can't change it, it wouldn't have been her business even if it was a choice, and she certainly didn't say it to make you feel better.
So what was the point? 🤷‍♀️

I’m early 50’s and hypnobirthed my babies but she is weird, it was a thing back in the day but don’t let previous generations hang ups get to you. Time flows and opinions change.

Exactly. My mum jokingly told people that my DC came out through the sun roof. She didn't judge me or say I 'didn't have real births,' she was genuinely upset and worried that I had to be rushed into emergency surgery, so that DC1 could be delivered safely. She was more laid back with c-section No. 2 (the elective one) because she knew how safe it was by then. And she never EVER judged me, or actually thought anything of it! DH's parents were the same 'oh dear, an emergency section, is she OK, how's the baby?'

Our parents reactions sound like normal, expected reactions. Your mum's is weird and daft @ItsNotLupus ! As has been said, why is she discussing how you had your baby anyway? I would be very careful with what I say to her if I were you. She sounds like a blabber.

On MN mothers of women are great, and most MILs are terrible, so that is probably why the poster thought it was your MIL 😂

I'm glad to see you can take the piss out of her for it!
It's ridiculous!

Say nothing to her. Try and skip your mind onto something that makes your heart sing when you think about it - as every rethink burns it further into your memories. She’s hurt you once when she said it and now you’re rehurting yourself every time you remember it. You’re absolutely right in your reply at the time.

I suspected what sort of person your mother would be before I even got to what she’d done by how you described how you’d prepared for the birth. Think of her comments and behaviour as emotional tennis balls. Just let them drop by offering her no response. You’ll likely lose any game of emotional tennis that you play. A counsellor once suggested to my DH that he stopped trying to get his mother to stop being a bitch to his wife and just score her on it instead. Worked a treat. We’d have fun after visits coming up with a score based on how much effort we felt she’d put in coming up with the comment and how much it had hurt. Then suddenly one time we realised we’d got all the way home and not scored her because we hadn’t needed to. Scoring her left it with her somehow rather than burning in us. She’s rarely mean now as she doesn’t get what she used to from it.

All your baby needs is for you to be you. All the best.

She sounds absolutely off her rocker, OP. It’s such a level of craziness I wouldn’t let it bother you. Saying the baby hasn’t been ‘born’- wtaf?!? Also, I think it’s way more embarrassing to go around telling people it’s her first grandchild and it was “birthed vaginally”. Honestly some people must have so little going on in their life that they are scratching around looking for where to cause trouble.

What’s important is you and your baby being safe, healthy and getting the best possible care. Anything else is noise. Good
luck with your baby.

YANBU about the comment.

DH is BU by saying you should challenge her… no it’s his mother, he should pull her up on it!

evacuation? eruption? tunnelled out?!

if you could update when you find out what she thinks happens please that would be great. My mum had me by c section 29 years ago and I had my daughter by c section 8 months ago so I’m concerned to know what happened to us seeing as we haven’t been born.

Incidentally - I had an elective section too although mine was because I was honestly too scared to give birth vaginally and I am so glad I did! I’ll be doing it for the next one too. My experience was great, I was extremely nervous too but honestly it’s over in a flash. Just be kind to yourself in recovery, you will need probably more help than you think (and maybe more than you’re prepared to accept if you’re anything like me 😂) congratulations and wishing you all the luck in the world! xx

It says both in the title and the thread that it's the OP's mother. Not her MIL.

I had an elective section and would do it again in a heartbeat. It removed all the uncertainty and was such a calm experience.

My 18 month old is currently being very noisy for someone who isn't even born!

I’d use this to your advantage, OP. You don’t need the stress at the moment, but I’d find a way at some point to suggest that the grandmother who will be trusted to spend time with baby is the one who doesn’t make appalling remarks like this.

With regard to your main points, I’m in my 50s and no one I know has ever expressed this ridiculous view. I had DS1 vaginally and DS2 by cs and I gave birth to them both. I recovered well from the cs.

I quite like erupted 😂 both my children erupted by c section - one emergency and one planned. The planned one was brilliant, my recovery was very smooth and apart from getting out of bed the first day or too, I wasn’t in too much pain afterwards. I hope the eruption of your baby goes well op and ignore your crazy mother!

This is why hypnobirthing calls it an ‘abdominal birth’, not a c section. It absolutely is as valid and your MILs attitude is incredibly strange. I’d be telling her how out of touch she is and that she needs to keep her opinions to herself and not kick up a stink about something which could put you and baby in a dire position. What a fucking witch!

Aw OP! This is not at all nice from your DM.
like others have said, conserve your energy now for the next few days.

but be warned- I noticed some (definitely not all!) close family members can become super weird around newborns - I’m sure she will be around inflicting her strange ideas about feeding and all the rest of it.

So watch out for that- stand your ground - you’re the mummy now and this is your baby! You get to make the decisions that are right for you and baby and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about it. Sending lots of positivity.

She's must surely know she's talking emotive bollocks. Don't feed her desire to piss you off and ignore

What a stupid woman.

Most of the women in their 50s in my friendship group (I’m nearly one of them) had children in the last ten - 15 years. I don’t know any with adult children. C-sections quite common.

It's an extremely weird thing to say and don't attribute it to her being older as I have never heard this said and I am a fair bit older than her. I can't imagine discussing whether my daughters had vaginal births with anybody tbh. Bloody hell.

I couldn’t be bothered to be bothered. You have more important things to think about.

In my wide circle of friends, I know women that have had c-sections - necessary, emergency and elective. Can’t say it’s made a jot of difference or is something that ever gets mentioned.

As long as you and the baby are ok, the way it gets here is pretty unimportant.

What a strange thing to say to your DD!
The most important birth is one that results in a healthy baby and Mother
You don't walk down the road with " I had a CS" tattooed on your forehead
The only thing I put on my birth plan was " A healthy baby" which is just as well as it all went to shit when he had a cord prolapse and Crash CS under GA
There's no right or wrong.
It's the same with breast vs bottle feeding
I bottle fed all of mine and they're all healthy 6'1 adults now
Good luck with your forthcoming baby( and take whatever DM says with a pinch of salt)