Was DM's remark about my pregnancy inappropriate or am I hyper-sensitive?

[ItsNotLupus]

I'm 39 weeks pregnant with my first child, and all pregnancy I've hoped and prepped for a vaginal birth. Despite doing all the planning I can (hypnobirthing course, perineal massage, birthing ball exercises - you name it, I've done it!), my plans were scuppered when my baby was confirmed as breech and now I'll be having a C-section. I was upset at first, as I'd been almost looking forward to labour, and I'm quite scared of the surgery, but I've come to terms with it.

I told DM today about the situation and her reaction has upset me all over again. She was openly disappointed at the news I'll be having a section and said to me, "but now you won't be able to tell people you've given birth to your baby, as a section isn't natural". I was very taken aback, I didn't even know people held this attitude? I expressed that the only important thing was baby being born safely and me being well, to which she doubled down and said "but the baby won't have been 'born' will it". I think she's embarrassed at the prospect of telling people her grandchild wasn't birthed vaginally (further context - she's in her 50s and this will be her first grandchild - not sure if that's relevant to her attitude?).

My DH is furious and thinks I need to challenge her on it, but she can be a difficult woman and sometimes it's easier to just let things go to keep the peace. I don't think I will challenge her on it, but it has been playing on my mind and so I wanted either validation or a reality check from MNetters to work out if I'm being sensitive, or if she is out of order.

YABU - You're being sensitive.
YANBU - Her comment was out of order.

Nothing to do with her age. It's just a ridiculous thing to say.

I'm 51 and my first baby was breech 28 years ago, my second was also breech 2 years later. I had elected sections with both and nobody commented negatively in fact I didn't know it was a thing. What an odd thing to say. I wouldn't give it any head space and if she mentions it again just look at her like she's lost it.

It's normal to be nervous. You'll be given an epidural/ spinal block. You won't feel any pain or discomfort. It’s all quite surreal and over with fairly quickly. You'll be surprised how quickly you heal afterwards and will give you a chance for a proper rest while bonding with baby ☺️

Wow what a pig ignorant woman she is. To her own daughter. Shame on her for being 50 and this stupid. Absolutely no one will care or judge you for your choices. I’m sorry she made you feel like that op. You should challenge her because this is an opening for her to be horrible and judgmental when your baby arrives.

They hatch out of us like we're eggs, I'm pretty sure. (I've hatched two by CS).

I hope you're OK op, I'm enraged on your behalf. I've had a few comments myself over the years, bizarrely from a male colleague even who suggested I'd had a planned CS with dc2 "to avoid the pain of a natural birth". Where do I even start...

Don't try to convince them. That kind of ignorance is incurable

She is ridiculous. And it's not an age thing.

Is she autistic, by any chance?

My DS (30) who has autism, tells people that he "wasn't birthed" he was "removed" from my tummy 😀

OP
It's still called "post birth" after CS.

Don't worry and try to just ignore the daft old goat. Maybe it's to do with her age?

I was, I thought clearly, joking about it possibly not being called "post birth" after a CS 😂

Not my DH's issue, very much mine. It my was own DM, not his (my MIL) who made the comments. My DH has been a great advocate for me through pregnancy and I think he would probably tell her to fuck off himself if it weren't for the fact she scares him a little! (And also he knows it's my place to decide if/how to challenge her).

I suppose you could flummox your somewhat nuts DM, by adopting the Royal Family strategy of making a formal announcement that ‘ItsNotLupus has been safely delivered of a son/daughter on [date and time]’.

It's funny, my nearly 5yo dd heard someone say this about a baby recently and she interrupted "delivered?! How...?" And we joked whether it'd been the postman or a deliveroo guy on a motorbike. The modern day stork!
(I did go on to explain.)

I do imagine a midwife catching the baby as he's born and presenting him to the mum like a delivered parcel. I wonder if it does feel like being delivered something in that moment! I was under GA for mine.

As long as they don't leave the baby on the front door step without knocking to alert me of its arrival, as seems to be the Amazon way these days!

I chose to have a c-section with my fourth baby because I didn't want to go through labour again and as I had gestational diabetes they wanted to induce me at 39 weeks but I had experience of induction with my second and it was traumatising and
I knew what to expect and knew I didn't want to do it so I chose a planned c-section, wonder what she would think to that 😅

I tell people I had my DS "surgically removed through the sun roof" if anyone asks. And the next one will be too, and I give not one hoot.

Not sure when to break it to him that he's not been born yet, as far as he's concerned he's nearly 9... For someone still gestating it's cost a bloody fortune in Smyths this half term 😂

@ItsNotLupus you only have to worry if they throw it over the fence!

Yes her comment was unhelpful. But you absolutely can have a vaginal breech birth and your midwife should be offering you this option.

I think she's very weird on this. If someone went into labour then had to have an emergency section is the baby born or not born?
A breach first baby is risky for vaginal delivery so you're doing the right thing.

I'm be prepared for some more MIL bonkersness post-partum!

Ffs c sections are still births. In fact the recovery takes longer because its major surgery so nothing to be taken lightly. I had a section with my 4th child and had to take it easy afterwards, make sure you do too..

Why the hell would anyone want to???

She’s insane. What are c sections babies if not ‘born’??? Are they all still unborn?!! WTH haha I have to laugh as a mother of 3 c section babies (medically necessary!!) are my children even alive according to her

agree with PP she is going to trot out even more crazy ideas after baby is born so be prepared for that …

She’s very foolish. Of course c section babies are born - you won’t still be pregnant in 5 years’ time, will you? Ignore her.

Omg, I have three kids aged 10, 5 and 5 and none of them have been born! My sister has four, up into their 20s now and they've never been born either.

Poor unborn children 🥺

I think she's embarrassed at the prospect of telling people her grandchild wasn't birthed vaginally

Why does she need to talk to other people about your vagina?

No advice to give regarding your mother, except perhaps to interpret as major generational gulf and suggest to ignore, but wrt vaginal v c-section, consider yourself very fortunate indeed. C-sections are genuinely amazing. I have had two (and one of the other kind, a genuine horror). Quick, pain-free birth, quick, comparatively pain-free recovery. Please disregard all the usual guff you might hear about "major abdominal surgery", concerns around bonding and nursing, etc. They are all part of the "natural birthing" fad that has engulfed midwifery and obs and gynea, and the bloody NCT, for the past two decades and led to an actual rise in maternal deaths (!!) and NHS paying out millions and millions because of botched deliveries. The tide is happily beginning to turn and women and babies will benefit. I hope you have an amazing birth experience, what a lovely thing to be looking forward to.