Was DM's remark about my pregnancy inappropriate or am I hyper-sensitive?

[ItsNotLupus]

I'm 39 weeks pregnant with my first child, and all pregnancy I've hoped and prepped for a vaginal birth. Despite doing all the planning I can (hypnobirthing course, perineal massage, birthing ball exercises - you name it, I've done it!), my plans were scuppered when my baby was confirmed as breech and now I'll be having a C-section. I was upset at first, as I'd been almost looking forward to labour, and I'm quite scared of the surgery, but I've come to terms with it.

I told DM today about the situation and her reaction has upset me all over again. She was openly disappointed at the news I'll be having a section and said to me, "but now you won't be able to tell people you've given birth to your baby, as a section isn't natural". I was very taken aback, I didn't even know people held this attitude? I expressed that the only important thing was baby being born safely and me being well, to which she doubled down and said "but the baby won't have been 'born' will it". I think she's embarrassed at the prospect of telling people her grandchild wasn't birthed vaginally (further context - she's in her 50s and this will be her first grandchild - not sure if that's relevant to her attitude?).

My DH is furious and thinks I need to challenge her on it, but she can be a difficult woman and sometimes it's easier to just let things go to keep the peace. I don't think I will challenge her on it, but it has been playing on my mind and so I wanted either validation or a reality check from MNetters to work out if I'm being sensitive, or if she is out of order.

YABU - You're being sensitive.
YANBU - Her comment was out of order.

I had many vaginal births without pain relief.. My highest accomplishment was my emcs!! Overcome my needle phobia, catheter inserted - urgh. Stitches and walked like I was 100....
Made natural birth seem a breeze...

@ItsNotLupus

I can tell you for a FACT that your mum 'being in her 50s' has nothing to do with it. Some women are so negative and rude to (other) women who have c-sections and don't call it a 'real birth.' Incredibly daft, and innaccurate.

IME and IMO, many of these women are jealous because they had a bad vaginal birth experience(s,) and they didn't have the same chance to have a c-section, and it grates on them that some other women had (what they perecive to be) an easier time.

They spout nonsense like 'you will not bond with the baby.' (You will!) And it's not really a proper birth. (Of course it fecking is!) And the old favourite 'it's much better for the baby to be born vaginally!' (Oh, how to make a woman feel like shit who couldn't have a vaginal birth because of medical reasons!!!)

My 2 were born by c-section (one emergency, the other elective because I was advised medically to have a c-section for the second FOR MY OWN SAFETY AND THAT OF THE BABY!)

Of course it's a BIRTH, the child is being born. 🙄 Ignore your mother and just laugh it off. Tell her she is talking nonsense, and embarrassing herself.

Oh, and it's not necessarily true that a vaginal birth is 'safer' than a c-section! I have known many more women with birth injuries after a vaginal birth, than after a c-section!

An awful view to share with you. I am so sorry.

You'd think that she would be proud that her daughter was prepared to endure MAJOR surgery in order to provide her with her first grandchild.
Not that you have a choice.......but you get the gist 😄

Caesarians save two lives: mother and baby. Be glad you are alive now and you can have a procedure that is so routine that you know your surgeon has done it thousands of times before. Be glad that you and baby have a future that would have been snatched away from you in centuries past. Don’t give her comment a moment’s thought.

I was just trying to show it's an option. Many women aren't aware that vaginal breech birth is safer than c-section because for decades now, society has been falsely lead to believe that breech babies should always be born via c-section. Vaginal is safer (as long as it's a hands-off birth, letting gravity work baby out itself), because c-section is major abdominal surgery which has many risks.

I believe all woman should be able to make informed decisions about their births (as per UK law), and due to the somewhat poor maternity system in the UK often women are just railroaded or dictated to by obstetricians based on their own preferences or fears, rather than allow women to view all of the options and the risks of each option, then make their own informed decision.

Anyway, I'm not here to derail the thread, I'm just trying to help as OP seemed genuinely upset at the change of birth plan. My sister was the same and didn't want a c-section either, baby then had other plans and came early and she birthed her breech vaginally. The doctors physically tried to push baby back up the birth canal - I shit you not, they actually ended up injuring the baby with their negligent actions. By the way, my comments aren't based on my sister's situation, I spent many years researching birth and supporting birthing women.

I respect all women's right to choose, so I'm not here to create drama or judgement at all.

I don’t think OP’s having a baby in order to provide her mum with her first grandchild.

I think she's embarrassed at the prospect of telling people her grandchild wasn't birthed vaginally

Why would that even come up in conversation. I'm.quite sure that even if she did mention it noone would give it a second thought. Being embarrassed would ge ridiculous

Your baby can still turn. Try acupuncture or reflexology or Chinese medicine - Moxibustion. They all have good success rates.

Nothing to do with her age - your mother is a fuckwit.

I am astonished by your DM’s attitude. All I cared about with my own DD and DIL was that both they and the baby were OK - how the baby came into the world was supremely unimportant. As for “she's embarrassed at the prospect of telling people her grandchild wasn't birthed vaginally”, why would she be telling people, other than close family? And why on earth would they care anyway? Very best of luck to you and your baby - and I have no doubt that once the baby is here, she’ll forget all about it and become a doting grandmother!

Do NOT allow yourself to brood over this or be upset. She is talking total bollocks.... you know it, I know it, we all know it.

Just say " You are talking rubbish. I do not want to hear this ever again." If she grinds on then just walk away.

Goodness knows where she gets such stupid ideas from. Nip it in the bud; do not let it get to you.

Good luck with the birth ... yes, definitely birth!!!

Sorry, for some reason I read it as your MiL.
how do you feel about chslling her ridiculous comment? Have Dzh there as moral support?

Yes, but what sounds more hardcore...

"I had a natural birth"

OR

"I was sliced open and ny child emerged from my loins"

??

FFS! Tell her to wind her neck in! .

I'm 51 so that's no excuse.

I also had a c section nearly 19 years ago. I can tell you my child was most definitely born. She's currently in the kitchen baking.

You cannot say it is safer to have a vaginal breech birth without knowing any details about OP or her pregnancy. That is so irresponsible. There are loads of variables that could make a difference either way, including whether there are even any midwives at her hospital who have experience at vaginal breech births. Please link your evidence for that statement that isn't from a Facebook group.

If anyone else is reading this thread with a breech baby, here is the RCOG link for actual evidenced information: https://www.rcog.org.uk/for-the-public/browse-our-patient-information/breech-baby-at-the-end-of-pregnancy/ which is clear that in the majority of circumstances, a section is the safest choice for baby in the event of a breech position.

It was inappropriate, but that's parenthood - people say all sorts of rubbish.

I am a granny. I have never felt the need to explain to anyone the mechanics of birth of my grandchildren. I have some and I love them and how they made the transition from in utero to outside it is entirely irrelevant. Your mother is odd and insensitive (and wrong).

Your mother is ridiculous, and definitely has opinions that mark her up as quite a silly person. Forget this now and focus on you and your baby. 3 C-sections here, no complaints.

Tell her she can meet him/her when they are born 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm sorry your Mum is being so weird about this. My mum is 70 and when I had my C section she only asked how I was and wanted to meet the baby. Hopefully you won't encounter anyone else with such bizarre beliefs.

Your mum sounds unhinged!
I had a CS last year as my baby was breech, I was devastated as with my first I'd had a water birth and I had hoped to have a similar experience second time round. I tried moxibustion and two attempts at ECV but baby was firmly wedged. If you haven't already, look up "gentle c section" - I was able to have delayed cord clamping and skin to skin pretty quickly after baby was born (yes - she was born)! I did then feel queasy but my husband then took over and did skin to skin under his scrubs. I'd also been told that breastfeeding could be harder to establish with a CS - baby latched as soon as I was in the recovery room and we didn't have any issues, just to give reassurance if this is something you're planning to do. The recovery wasn't too bad, just stock up on paracetamol and ibuprofen. And also I've heard good things about peppermint tea for trapped wind, I had really painful wind the day after and I wasn't expecting that at all. Good luck!

Her attitude is frankly baffling - I'm also in my 50s and as a mother and a grandmother my only concern would be a safe delivery for both mother and baby. Whether that's a vaginally delivery or a c-section is immaterial.

I understand you're not wanting to get into it with her at this point. Conserve your energy for preparing for your new arrival and your recovery afterwards. Don't let her ridiculous comments play on your mind. She's ill-informed, ignorant and downright insensitive to your feelings. I'm sorry she's not being the mother you need right now - I hope you have others in your life who support you 💐

YANBU. I think you should tell her she's been bang out of order.

MIL is 89 and held that view 30 odd years ago. She was out of date and bang out of order in her 50s but at least it was 30 years ago.

I'm a 50-something hippyish type (I had 3 home births) ... I'm struggling not to be outraged for OP. Maybe the tone of voice wasn't as harsh as it sounds... it's nothing to do with the gran-to-be how OP gives birth. Very disappointed for you, OP, that your mom couldn't just be a good listener.

X fingers this is just a weird adjustment moment for her, and she makes up for her poor support pre-birth by being fantastic afterwards. I wonder when she says something like that if OP could seize the conversation back ... "Do you know what I need from you right now, Mum? I want to know if you can help me with x and y and z things to prepare for the baby or to help me manage after the baby arrives. Those things would be super helpful for me. Can you do that?" to move the convo away from nonsense.