Was DM's remark about my pregnancy inappropriate or am I hyper-sensitive?

[ItsNotLupus]

I'm 39 weeks pregnant with my first child, and all pregnancy I've hoped and prepped for a vaginal birth. Despite doing all the planning I can (hypnobirthing course, perineal massage, birthing ball exercises - you name it, I've done it!), my plans were scuppered when my baby was confirmed as breech and now I'll be having a C-section. I was upset at first, as I'd been almost looking forward to labour, and I'm quite scared of the surgery, but I've come to terms with it.

I told DM today about the situation and her reaction has upset me all over again. She was openly disappointed at the news I'll be having a section and said to me, "but now you won't be able to tell people you've given birth to your baby, as a section isn't natural". I was very taken aback, I didn't even know people held this attitude? I expressed that the only important thing was baby being born safely and me being well, to which she doubled down and said "but the baby won't have been 'born' will it". I think she's embarrassed at the prospect of telling people her grandchild wasn't birthed vaginally (further context - she's in her 50s and this will be her first grandchild - not sure if that's relevant to her attitude?).

My DH is furious and thinks I need to challenge her on it, but she can be a difficult woman and sometimes it's easier to just let things go to keep the peace. I don't think I will challenge her on it, but it has been playing on my mind and so I wanted either validation or a reality check from MNetters to work out if I'm being sensitive, or if she is out of order.

YABU - You're being sensitive.
YANBU - Her comment was out of order.

She sounds unhinged. Of course you’ll have given birth. Or you’d still be flipping pregnant. 🤦‍♀️

If you don’t give birth then you’re still pregnant 😂 If your husband’s furious then he needs to tell her himself!
Please try not to waste time thinking about her as she won’t change. Focus on yourself, your husband and the new family you’re about to become. Absolutely everyone else and everything can wait.
Sending the very best wishes to you all

Why on earth does she think she would need to tell anyone how her grandchild was birthed?! Is that a common question asked of new grandparents?

That aside, her comments were insensitive. I agree with others that you should nip it in the bud before the birth, but you know best whether she would take any notice.

Tell her on the plus side he can kill Macbeth.

She is of course being ridiculous. Not sure why you didn’t say so at the time. Good that your DH agrees she’s out of line, but why doesn’t HE take it up with her? She’s his mum!

Oh, and it’s nothing to do with her age!

Firstly OP, don't give up hope of a vaginal delivery. Its very unusual, but my breech baby turned at 39+2 and was born at 39+3 (confirmed as i was having lots of monitoring for preeclampsia). I only found out when I went into labour before my c section date (supposed to be at 39+5) and was scanned on presentation at triage. I just said I didn't want the c section anymore and wanted to see if i could deliver vaginally, which I did.

Secondly, I had a really good (long) discussion with the consultant midwife about birth options when she was still breech, and frankly, the risks she needed to tell me about were more than enough to put me off. I think you just need to keep repeating to your mum that you've made the decision with your doctors / midwives for both your safety and you dont want to hear any more about it. Why would she be telling people about the manner of birth anyway? I don't think its a question that people really ask and she definitely shouldn't be volunteering. Well done to your DH as well for having your back (as it should be!)

Good luck! Such an exciting time!

I'm probably not that much younger than your mother and just shy of 16 years ago I had my first child by emergency section. It amazed me at the time how many people seemed to think I didn't give birth. I can't believe it's still seen that way for some.

In saying that, at the end of the day, it's a rather small part of the parenting experience. A healthy baby and safe delivery is the main thing. I would probably roll my eyes at anyone who referred to me as not "giving birth" these days.

Best of luck OP.

Your mother is a ridiculous foolish woman. What an immature and lacking in empathy thing to say. I had 2 caesareans and I can assure you I definitely gave birth. I would tell her exactly how you feel. Good luck and congratulations 🥳

Wow, her comment was completely out of order. A baby is born no matter what exit it takes. I’d be furious if my mother said that, i’d be telling her that a healthy baby is the only concern you have and you couldn’t care less what method they come out. My god-daughters baby was born breach, only they weren’t aware and so didn’t schedule a C-section and sadly her baby suffered a brain injury. She’s 6 now and doing so much better than anyone could have forecasted but all their lives are changed forever.

Your mum should be ashamed at her comments and i’d certainly have to say something. My mum said ‘you’re not are you?’ when I told her I was pregnant with DC3 and I didn’t speak to her for a month.

My instinctive response would be along the lines of "why are you so desperate to be able to tell people about my vagina?" and I wouldn't be able to stop it!

I gave birth 3 times and if they had got the baby out of my ear canal i wouldn't have cared ,as long as both you and baby are fine who cares how it comes out,
your silly mother should keep her mouth shut !

YANBU, she's being bloody rude. 'Born' is a term which covers any and all means by which babies move from being in utero to being out in the world. It does not cover vaginal deliveries exclusively. She's being an arsehole when you're already facing a very serious surgery.

Also she should consider that while a c-section is definitely the safest choice for your baby, it's a slightly higher-risk option for you than a vaginal delivery, so you're making a genuine sacrifice for the well-being of your baby.

Don't bother having a fight with her unless you really want to but I'd keep her at arms length for a while as you settle in with your baby.

It's a ridiculous opinion, is she part of some weird religious sect? I would just ignore, but if it comes up again (fore warned) I would laugh and say many babies are born this way, that's such an old fashioned view. Or other pre-determined set down! Vaginal birth is not a panacea and not to be undergone if there is a serious risk.

C-section for breech is very out-dated advice that has since been debunked. It is safer to vaginally birth a breech baby, as long as it is a hands-off the breech birth and not a managed extraction.

I know you're already full-term but joining a vaginal breech birth group could really help arm you with the knowledge you need to choose a vaginal birth. The hospital should not be dictating to you what type of birth you have as the evidence does not support c-section for breech.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/371624862918154/

ETA if you do go for a vaginal breech birth, make sure you stay upright or on all fours. DO NOT lay on your back. All the best whatever you decide.

Thanks everyone for your messages of solidarity, I'm glad to hear I'm not being sensitive! I knew deep down it wasn't a me problem, especially after seeing DH's reaction, but it's reassuring to get a wider perspective. I honestly don't know where she's even got this idea from, I have never heard anyone make derogatory comments about CS births until today. And it's clearly not generational, as those of you in your 50s have confirmed. Speaking of which, I apologise if I may have caused offence to anyone by querying if it's an age thing - honestly not intended to be offensive! Those of you with daughters/grandchildren, I envy them for having a normal and supportive DM/GM!

@Dressingtown your analysis of my DM from my post is eerily spot on - I could post a thread a week on her shenanigans from over the years and have enough fresh material to see me through till Christmas 😂

Thanks also for those of you who've sent reassurance about the section as well. It's something I've been scared of throughout pregnancy, though I always accepted that it could happen in an emergency, it just didn't occur to me that it may end up being my number 1 plan. I've had a very straightforward pregnancy so just took for granted that this would continue into birth. But if I can mentally prepare for labour, I'm capable of doing the same for an ELCS.

It's not his mum, it's my mum! My MIL is lovely and would never say such a thing!

this - plus add that since she is so rude and insensitive, and considers your future child "unnatural" you think its best she has no contact with the baby.

Hope all goes well.

Why would vaginal be safer? C-Section is always very safe even for normally presented babies. She doesn't 'need to choose' a vaginal breech birth and although they can be fine the additional risk to the baby is not inconsiderable. Leave it to the professionals, you do not know her situation.

I'd probably say something like 'well you're free to celebrate their removal day rather than their birthday once a year - good luck finding a card'

Well I'm 40 and my mum had me by c section as she had placenta previa(sp?) But have I not been born yet? When will I be born?

This. All that matters is that mother and baby are safe and well. Having said that I’d let it go, it’s just not worth going into battle days before you give birth.

Well that rules out telling her that the baby's been born then

What a stupid opinion to have!

You're obviously destined to be a foetus for eternity, according to my DM's logic.

DGS was born by emergency caesarean section. He was in a funny position and it wouldn’t have mattered what DDIL did she would have never pushed him out. It makes absolutely no difference to anyone how he was born just as long as he, and DDIL, were safe and well. And they are.

I’m 54, I was 52 when he was born and honestly don’t understand her at all. How can a baby not be born? And how are you not giving birth? She does need telling because she’s always going to put you down and question your abilities if you don’t.

Good luck with your birth @ItsNotLupus and enjoy your new baby.

My brother said this to me after I had an (emergency) C-section after five days of an induction that didn't progress beyond 2cm dilation. I was pretty pissed off. I'd tell DM to go fuck herself.