Was DM's remark about my pregnancy inappropriate or am I hyper-sensitive?

[ItsNotLupus]

I'm 39 weeks pregnant with my first child, and all pregnancy I've hoped and prepped for a vaginal birth. Despite doing all the planning I can (hypnobirthing course, perineal massage, birthing ball exercises - you name it, I've done it!), my plans were scuppered when my baby was confirmed as breech and now I'll be having a C-section. I was upset at first, as I'd been almost looking forward to labour, and I'm quite scared of the surgery, but I've come to terms with it.

I told DM today about the situation and her reaction has upset me all over again. She was openly disappointed at the news I'll be having a section and said to me, "but now you won't be able to tell people you've given birth to your baby, as a section isn't natural". I was very taken aback, I didn't even know people held this attitude? I expressed that the only important thing was baby being born safely and me being well, to which she doubled down and said "but the baby won't have been 'born' will it". I think she's embarrassed at the prospect of telling people her grandchild wasn't birthed vaginally (further context - she's in her 50s and this will be her first grandchild - not sure if that's relevant to her attitude?).

My DH is furious and thinks I need to challenge her on it, but she can be a difficult woman and sometimes it's easier to just let things go to keep the peace. I don't think I will challenge her on it, but it has been playing on my mind and so I wanted either validation or a reality check from MNetters to work out if I'm being sensitive, or if she is out of order.

YABU - You're being sensitive.
YANBU - Her comment was out of order.

I never get the attitude that a C-Section isn’t classed as giving birth and thankfully haven’t heard it in real life. There are two ways to give birth 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s a bit like breastfeeding v bottle feeding - as long as mum and baby are ok then nothing else matters!
If your mother doesn’t think you’d actually given birth, presumably she doesn’t think your baby should have a birthday either! She’s batshit.
Good luck, hope all goes well

I'm 68 and the only judgemental comments I've ever seen are "too posh to push" which I think applies to people who choose to have a C section for non medical reasons. Having said that, I've never heard anyone in real life say anything about them either way. Your mum sounds like she's got some sort of hang up peculiar to her.

Because the risk to the mother of significant major surgery are not small. Plus the other after risks of infertility, infections and healing. The risk of having a vaginal breech birth is not as significant as people think. I basically had to choose between a risk to me or a risk to my baby. I had other children to think of! Breech is a variation of normal. The study that led to most breech births being c sections was proven to be flawed. 30 years ago it was very normal to have a breech birth,

It was a massively insensitive comment and you are not BU.

Sidenote, i had a breech vaginal delivery, it is something you can do if you are really focused on wanting a vaginal birth, but if you are happy with a C section then of course thats absolutely reasonable 😊

Or leave it at the wrong address, and email you a photograph of your baby next to someone's recycling bin.

No birthday cake for you.

I’m in my 50s and can honestly say I’ve only ever heard this once and that was another post on mumsnet it’s bullshit!
If you’ve had a baby you’ve given birth what is it with women who come out with stuff like this especially to her dd does she have form for shitty comments? It sounds really spiteful so why?

Ignore her op as long as you’re both healthy that’s all that matters and that’s what your dm should be concerned with.

Enjoy your lovely new baby when he/she arrives.

Well she's nuts. No one asks you how you gave birth when kids gets older. Really does not matter.
Im glad we have medical option so women can have healthy safe deliveries of their babies

She's not much of a "woman's woman" and does has form for making bitchy comments about other females. So I'm not really sure why I'm surprised to be on the receiving end of it.

I just wanted to say a big thanks for the outpouring of kind messages on here by the way. Too many individual posters to reply to them all, but I do appreciate the reassurance and positivity that's been shown (not always my experience on MN, but I'm glad to have found a topic which seems to have united people!). So thanks mums for the well-wishes. Here's to the safe BIRTH of my baby, out the sun roof!

She’s in her 50s, so less of the old goat please, and no, it’s not because of her age - why would it be?

My DD was breech and arrived by elective CS. I joke that it was a sunroof birth and that her sense of direction has still not improved! DS was a vaginal birth three years later. Personally the CS was far easier to recover from and in the end this is about you and baby's safe arrival. DM is being tactless but as soon as she holds her DGC she will realise that. Don't let this spoil such a wonderful time.

Menopause?

Nobody has seen fit to give birth vaginally in this family in two generations. We don’t cast shadows and have no reflections when we pass by mirrors.

Obviously she’s being a massive twat. You won’t think about how your baby was born once they are out of nappies. It’s something that’s only important very briefly for most women. Your mother must be an anomaly. Does she pride herself very highly on her vaginal birthing skills?

Does DM really think her friends (or even yours) are that bloody interested in ow you had your dc? (Personally, I never want chapter and verse on anyone else's births - I want to hear "baby born, mother and baby both doing well, the end"). Other people's below-the-waist issues can stay on a strictly need-to-know basis as far as I'm concerned (and so can mine). She sounds bonkers.

When she expects to come and see the baby, ask her what baby she is talking about because she's told you have you haven't actually given birth.

That was a really cruel thing for her to say. Would she prefer for you to go through a difficult and dangerous labour that would put both you and your baby at risk?

She sounds like a very stupid woman as well as being totally unsupportive of her own pregnant daughter.

Your mother's an idiot.

If a baby comes out of you, you have given birth.

Tell your mother if having a c-section means you haven't really given birth then she doesn't really have a grandchild and she can get lost.

She's a complete and total idiot.

Your DM is plain weird! It's rude to discuss birthing methods anyway. I'm 63 and was quite pleased that my DD had an elective csection as I had a horrible experience with her birth and was really worried about the uncertainty of a natural birth. Keep away for a while!

How do you know she had a C section if you never “rudely” discussed it with her?

She's a clown

If you don't speak up and put her in her place now, when the baby is born,she will bull doze right over you and she will be raising your baby. Your husband is right, you need to stand up to her now.

When you've had your precious bundle and she messages asking to come and visit baby you should reply "I would say yes but he/she isn't born" 🤣

I thought I'd come back to this thread as a few people do still keep posting. First up, the section went well and I've been so lucky to enjoy a week with my perfect baby. The recovery is no walk in the park though - I'm mobile and trying to keep active but still in pain and looking after the wound is a chore.

Second, I don't know if DM made a similar comment to someone else who challenged her on it, or if she just reflected on her words, but she's made a huge u-turn in her attitude to CS. She's gone a bit overboard in the other direction so she obviously knows what she said was wrong, but she's made a big show of commenting on how major a surgery it is and checking in daily on my recovery.

Congratulations. I expect she’s relieved it’s all over and you’re both doing well. You can both forget all about her faux pas now.

Aw huge congratulations!!

I’m glad she’s seen the error of your ways, this is the closest you’ll get to an apology so may as well enjoy it. I wish mine had had this attitude after my section, my parents seem baffled about why it was hurting me to walk uphill etc, er they just cut me open!

Have a wonderful time with your new little one ❤️