To not let DD celebrate her birthday this year?

[BauerBorg]

DD is turning 15 this week, but due to her behaviour over the past few months, we’ve told her there won’t be a party or any celebrations beyond a cake and a small present at home. She’s been pushing boundaries in every direction — talking back, lying, not pulling her weight at home, and even skipping school once. We’ve tried everything from grounding to talking calmly to involving school, but nothing has made a dent.

She was expecting a party and a shopping trip with friends, which we’ve now cancelled. She’s been in tears and saying we’re being unfair and ruining her birthday. I feel awful, but I also feel like we need to make a stand. She’s acting like she can do whatever she wants without consequence, and honestly, we’re both exhausted by it all.

DH agrees with the decision but keeps second-guessing it now that she’s giving us the silent treatment and making the whole house miserable.

AIBU? I don’t want to be cruel, but I also don’t want her thinking bad behaviour gets rewarded. Would love some outside perspective because it’s hard to see clearly when emotions are this high.

Have you never been to an adults birthday party?
There is no age limit for a birthday party.
The type of party changes but it's still.a.party!

The majority of the thread reads like a shit show. Soooo many people who clearly accept this from their teens. As I said in an earlier post, it's clear to see why so many teenagers are rude, entitled and can't cope with the real world when anyone dares say no to them. The evidence is all here. One poster actually said "sit down and negotiate with DD" 🙄

This behaviour is fairly typical of teenage girls. You've hardly got a teenage hell raiser on your hands at present. However, your present course of action is hardly likely to turn her into a compliant cheerful teen, is it? What 15 year old girl wants a "family day out" instead of the birthday party shopping trip etc? She will never forget or probably forgive you for this. I am wondering if any of the people wittering on about standing your ground and so on have ever dealt with a strong willed and/or wayward teenager and how that may have worked out for them.

I am wondering if any of the people wittering on about standing your ground and so on have ever dealt with a strong willed and/or wayward teenager and how that may have worked out for them

I'm guessing the 'strong willed/wayward teenager' was a 'spirited' pre-schooler, 5/6/7 year old with a lack of boundaries.

You sound horrible.

15 is a hard age, especially for girls. She’ll remember and resent you for this - quite rightly.

Probably not. Do you not remember the shitshow of hormones kicking in?

I don't think anyone is excusing the behaviour...it's just that the punishment should fit the crime and punishing with an annual event like a birthday will leave a nasty taste in the mouth.

In addition it's a "public" event, so all her friends will know why her birthday has been cancelled. It's really mean and humiliating.

But I recall there were always parents who wouldn't let their children attend birthday parties when they were little as a punishment. I know a couple now who are in their twenties have gone completely off the rails. It didn't work. Sometimes, you need to pick your battles and work with rather than against your child.

Rubbish. I had a horrendous teen years. Think rotherham grooming gangs and by far it is the impact of the way my parents handled things that is long lasting than anything else. The way they treated me at Christmas and birthdays by not allowing me to participate or celebrate and punishing by not giving as many gifts, still hurts me to this day.
We as parents have such power over our children, our words and actions matter. The way in which we nurture our children, wires their brain and nervous system. This child and that’s what she is, will remember this. It’s a cruel punishment.

@pinty Have you never been to an adults birthday party?

Only for a significant age (such as an age that ends with '0') and an 18 birthday party (as most people get caught up in the novelty of finally being able to consume alcohol). A birthday party with school friends sounds somewhat juvenile though.

The punishment is too big and too far away. I’d let her earn it back and in future give punishments that aren’t more immediate and that don’t make her feel like you hate her.

She’s still having a family party which I think is nice. But you’re right to do this and she needs to know her behaviour is unacceptable. You don’t want to raise a spoilt brat who is out of control and who doesn’t respect you. You’re her parent not her friend. Actions have consequences. No wonder we have such bad behaviour in young adults. A lot of the comments who disagree I suspect are doormats to their kids.

I agree, it is cruel and unnecessary confrontation to make such a stand.

I have a late teen and a younger teen, I don't use imported American parental crap techniques to relate to my DC like grounding etc. I have two considerate, kind and intelligent teenagers.

I've just read the original OP

Are the DD's crimes so heinous?

"Talking back"...deal with it at the time and say in no uncertain terms that they are not to be rude.

"Lying" are these minor/white lies or really big lies? Minor would include "yes I've done 30 minutes' piano practice" when they've done 15

"Not pulling their weight around the house". I have a lazy teen but she's delightful and we have a great relationship. I need to work on getting her to be less messy, BUT it's not something to be punished.

"Skipping school" This would be a real worry to me....but it's something to be concerned about especially in year 10, not to be punished

I think you've gone too far with the punishment to be honest and yes I've got three teenage girls so have plenty of experience. In my opinion you need to be on your teenagers side, it's not as black and white as when they were younger, there are often complex reasons why they are behaving this way.

That's a horrible punishment but you've backed yourself into a corner.

Try to come up with something that she can do to regain her gifts and party. Maybe ask her to come up with something that she feels is fair then take it from there.

You need to get out of it somehow.

I don't really get the POV of "you've GOT to follow through with the punishment now!" when we're talking about a 15 year old, not a 5 year old. It's pointlessly punitive.

I've dished out a too-harsh penalty before to one of my DC, and realised that I was wrong-headed about it, once I'd reflected. I spoke to my DC about it. It was a good opportunity for us to talk about what was going wrong. I had to admit that I hadn't handled it as well as I could, which opened the door to my DC being able to admit the same. It was a real turning point at that stage.

I don't see how we can expect teenagers to accept when they're wrong, be able to talk about how their behaviour could have been better, and so on, if we can't set the same example ourselves.

DD1 will be 15 in a month. I would not cancel anything unless she was mega obnoxious, which doesn’t sound lukewarm she is from your comments.

But surely all parents think that of their children? Hardly going to admit they’ve raised little monsters. Sure Rose and Fred West’s parents thought the same of them…

Stick to your guns she will learn.

Good for you. Let her tantrum and don't back down.

yes, YABU. She will remember this and resent you for life. The reasons for punishment - you will forget in no time yourself. Think about it.

Can you make a pact with her?If she can behave like a decent human being between now and a date to be decided, say 6 weeks, , you'll reschedule the celebrations for a later date?

Regardless of whether it's wise, you can't back down now.

Tell her after the birthday passes that you're ready and willing to discuss the relationship with her whenever she wants.

Eyeroll @ 'American' techniques.

Withdrawing privileges and anticipated treats as a means of reminding a teen whose house they're living in is absolutely reasonable and something done in all societies.

This is cruel and likely to push her further away. Celebrating a child being born shouldn’t be dependent on how she is behaving (which is tough, but not unusual for a teenager) - it could be a good opportunity to reconnect and reset. This will make her feel worthless and have the opposite effect of the one you intend.