To not let DD celebrate her birthday this year?

[BauerBorg]

DD is turning 15 this week, but due to her behaviour over the past few months, we’ve told her there won’t be a party or any celebrations beyond a cake and a small present at home. She’s been pushing boundaries in every direction — talking back, lying, not pulling her weight at home, and even skipping school once. We’ve tried everything from grounding to talking calmly to involving school, but nothing has made a dent.

She was expecting a party and a shopping trip with friends, which we’ve now cancelled. She’s been in tears and saying we’re being unfair and ruining her birthday. I feel awful, but I also feel like we need to make a stand. She’s acting like she can do whatever she wants without consequence, and honestly, we’re both exhausted by it all.

DH agrees with the decision but keeps second-guessing it now that she’s giving us the silent treatment and making the whole house miserable.

AIBU? I don’t want to be cruel, but I also don’t want her thinking bad behaviour gets rewarded. Would love some outside perspective because it’s hard to see clearly when emotions are this high.

Definitely do not back down.
Her birthday is being celebrated but you have no intention in doing huge celebrations when things have been so unpleasant.
She needs to learn about consequences.
So let her give you the silent treatment.
If she gets rude over it, you can just say we needn't celebrate at all if that is what you would prefer.
Awful behaviour should not be rewarded.
She will behave better if its in her own self interest to.

Having something to aim for is a great idea.
She needs to know that much as you love her, you will not allow her and her poor behaviour to dominate the house.

So often parents allow one child to dictate things, it never ends well.

Give her a present, but no party.

DH is mid 40s and one year he didn't get anything (his brother did something but he got the blame) and hes never got over it.

I'm not a violent person and I was a reasonable teenage, but I think if my parents had punished me and decided just to have a cake on my birthday, I'd have shoved it in the bin and my behaviour would probably have got worse.

I'm not excusing the behaviour, but you can't just allow these things to happen and then mete out a humiliating punishment!

Every dog should get one chance as the old saying used to go

talking back, lying, not pulling her weight at home, and even skipping school once

These should be tackled as and when they happen, with focus on why she has behaved that way with some flex given for a bad day/hormone driven grumpiness.

I do not think cancelling her birthday trip with her friends makes sense. It seems to be retribution, something designed to hurt her psychologically. It isn’t a consequence. The have a cake at home with mum and dad sounds like twisting the knife because you may expect her to act jolly and be grateful.

You have mentioned her ‘attitude’ a few times and I have never agreed with dictating my children hide their feelings or discomfort. No human being can have a great attitude all the time. Demanding a good attitude is emotion and thought policing. It’s a shut up, you can’t be a moody teen because I don’t want to put in the effort to emotionally support you through adolescence.

This

so no party or shipping trip

bur obv presents and maybe meal with family

I’d go out with her, just you two, for dinner and have a grown up discussion about expectations. Remind her how much she’s loved & what you expect from her. Remind her of all the good things she does and what you appreciate about her. Tell her the last thing you want to do is to cancel her plans but she’s leaving you no option. If you’re out she won’t storm off or act up. Hopefully you can reset boundaries. It’s hard to be loving when we’re feeling annoyed but it works wonders when it’s balanced with firm boundaries & expectations.

Choose a restaurant she loves and tell her it’s a date for a very important discussion. If that fails get her adopted! 😉

She was expecting a party and a shopping trip with friends, which we’ve now cancelled. She’s been in tears and saying we’re being unfair and ruining her birthday. I feel awful, but I also feel like we need to make a stand. She’s acting like she can do whatever she wants without consequence, and honestly, we’re both exhausted by it all.DH agrees with the decision but keeps second-guessing it now that she’s giving us the silent treatment and making the whole house miserable.

Come on. You and DH have made the whole house miserable because you chose a punishment that publicly humiliates your daughter. What did you expect? Of course this was going to upset her deeply. Also it’s not the silent treatment when you are so upset you need space for a few hours.

I think it sounds really mean. Birthdays are only once a year. I don't think it was wise to inflict such a punishment. This will just make her more rebellious and resentful.

I think thats mean.

Nope, she will look back and think 'my parents were borderline abusive dicks who embarrassed me in front of my friends and ruined my 15th birthday'.

Oh come on this is a bit of a stretch. It’s hardly abusive and how is embarrassing?

Her friends might ask why she isn’t having a party and she’ll tell them that it’s punishment for playing up. Really not the end of the world. She isn’t going to have to tell her friends the party is cancelled because her parents have suddenly decided to become at home nudists.

I think you are being unfair. Why can't she go shopping with friends and not have a party?

Why is she pushing boundaries? New friends? Friendship issues? Is she getting in trouble at school? What is she lying about?

Have a calm chat with her. I have teens, it's hard work.

My parents did this to me on my 15th birthday. I don't remember what I did to merit my birthday being cancelled but I know I could be obnoxious when I wanted to be (which 15 year old isn't?) I just got on and celebrated it my own way with a friend who understood the way I was feeling. So you can't stop her celebrating as such. I don't know....it is you living your life and only you know what your daughter has been doing. But I slightly get the impression my parents felt they had overreacted.

If she thinks being held accountable for her own actions is “borderline abusive” she will not do very well in life. She has embarrassed herself and her own behaviour has led to consequences. That shouldn’t be a shock.
And how on earth any rational adult can think not letting a badly behaved child have a party or a shopping trip is “borderline abusive” is bloody beyond me. Lots of children live with real abuse. This absolutely is not that and it’s frankly ridiculous to suggest it is.

You need to stick to your guns now that you’ve said it! As a teacher, I can tell you that this thing of ‘earning it back’ after something has been taken away NEVER works. The child just learns that they can pay every boundary and then, when they go too far and get consequences, they can still ‘earn it back’ by behaving for a short time. It is a hiding to nothing.

see clearly isn’t responding to regular sanctions so losing out on the birthday party and activity with friends may finally give her a wake-up call. However, I think it would be extreme not to celebrate a child’s birthday at all, so I would suggest still having a small tea party or meal out for just yourselves to mark the occasion, plus reasonable presents but nothing extravagant. I’d she’s hankering after the latest iPhone or something, she should have to wait till she’s turned a major corner with her behaviour.

I've been there.

It will depend on the OP's DD's personality a lot.

I'm in my 50s and just reading this thread has brought it all back. I never forgave my parents for humiliating me like that. I never had another birthday party ever again, I just said I didn't want one as I wasn't giving anyone that kind of power over me again.

I have a 16 year old now - she's ND and has never been easy, and pushes boundaries all the time. I've spent years working with mental health experts as a result. Punishments should be immediate and proportionate. This is neither.

I think cancelling her celebrations would be a mistake if the goal is to try and improve her behaviour. She will feel so hurt and more disconnected, long term it will make her behaviour worse. I actually disagree with the posters saying you must follow through now you have said the party is cancelled. It’s a good opportunity to explain to her that everyone says/does things in anger that they regret, we all make mistakes but we can learn from them. You could apologise for threatening her (I know, I know - why should you be the one to apologise… but this is about parenting not scoring points) tell her that you care about her, and want her to have a lovely birthday because she deserves that even if she struggles sometimes (don’t all 15 year olds??) discuss your expectations around her behaviour - say you want her to come to you if she is struggling instead of acting out and say you will always be there to accept her (genuine) apology if she messes up. Making mistakes/testing boundaries is all part of being a teenager.

Her friends might ask why she isn’t having a party and she’ll tell them that it’s punishment for playing up. Really not the end of the world.

We had days of drama because a girl DD2 15 doesn't like said something about her - she went to friend house to bitch clam down as my very adult sensible why do you care you won't know this girl or even see her again in less than two months wasn't cutting it.

I'm not getting what she's been doing so extremely bad. Most teens talk back are rude etc and I don't think using her own bday is a good punishment

If you really wanted too i think you should have done something different but kept her birthday separately.

We do tend to remember our bday and I'm not sure how grateful she's going to be having to sit with two people who are against her right now And stopping her fun it feels mean to make her sit with you in these circumstances

She will always remember this

I would you need to stick to your guns but also have wiggle room. So perhaps she can have her party/ shopping trip at the end of term if her behaviour is good.

I think @Holly485 post speaks a lot of sense and is the way forward I'd take. Especially this:

Big punishments like this just don't work on 15 year olds, a sulky teen won't be made into a bright, happy, helpful teen by taking away everything she's looking forward to, it'll just make her more resentful and less inclined to do anything for you. It's certainly not going to make her want to talk to you more and I expect the last thing she'll want now is a family meal!

I think this is a really good idea.

Now you’ve said it you can’t really back down.
But I don’t think it’s reasonable at all.

you need to work out what is driving all this behaviour and address that rather than dishing it a harsh punishment. Consequences need to be related to her actions.

That's just a ridiculous comparison. Are you seriously suggesting that any teen who has discipline/boundaries set at home are going to run away from home?

It's not hard to see why a lot of teens are out of control going by the advice being doled out here. The over dramatics about her "never getting over this" is absolutely outrageous 😂. Stick to your guns OP.