To not let DD celebrate her birthday this year?

[BauerBorg]

DD is turning 15 this week, but due to her behaviour over the past few months, we’ve told her there won’t be a party or any celebrations beyond a cake and a small present at home. She’s been pushing boundaries in every direction — talking back, lying, not pulling her weight at home, and even skipping school once. We’ve tried everything from grounding to talking calmly to involving school, but nothing has made a dent.

She was expecting a party and a shopping trip with friends, which we’ve now cancelled. She’s been in tears and saying we’re being unfair and ruining her birthday. I feel awful, but I also feel like we need to make a stand. She’s acting like she can do whatever she wants without consequence, and honestly, we’re both exhausted by it all.

DH agrees with the decision but keeps second-guessing it now that she’s giving us the silent treatment and making the whole house miserable.

AIBU? I don’t want to be cruel, but I also don’t want her thinking bad behaviour gets rewarded. Would love some outside perspective because it’s hard to see clearly when emotions are this high.

@BauerBorg OP, regardless of behaviour, do you not think a 15 year old is far too old to be having a birthday party? I thought birthday parties were things that children did in primary school.

Well they're not the same kind of parties are they! When you have a birthday party, are they like a primary school child's??

It's not over-dramatic. It's not about her being emotionally scarred for life, but it doesn't take a lot of forethought to think DD can bring this up in every argument from now on, as proof that OP is unreasonable and DD is justified in her actions. OP can stick to her guns if she wants a war. If she actually wants DD to not be shitty with her, to not skive and to have a more functional relationship, then guns won't win this.

I would not have done this. I think a birthday should not be used as a punishment. However, now that you have, I think you need to follow through. We usually have ways that the children can earn back anything removed earlier, do you have that in your home?

Definitely. Fucking hell, missing one birthday party😱 if she didn't act like a twat then she'd have kept her party 🤷 life lessons

I have teens - depends on the teen but can be out to something like bowling/cinerma/crazy golf or round for food and consul/VR games and music.

It's more getting together with peers and doing something rather than party bag parse the parcel or soft play.

It hard at minute for DD2 and her friends turning 16 mid GCSE exams - but many have done something on quieter side - we had some of her friends round and she went bowling last night for a birthday next week mid exams. DS didn't want to do anything 15 or 16 outside family - but DD1 had mates over like DD2 did.

The DD can bring it up as much as she likes. So what? It doesn't justify not giving teenagers discipline/boundaries. If you think giving into teenagers because you're scared of them is the better option then carry on. It wouldn't be me.

She’s not acting like a twat. She’s acting like a teenager. 🙄

OP didn't mention her DD being ND.

Do not back down now because if you do she'll know that there are no real consequences to her behaviour. My mum did this with my sister and it launched her into a 20 yr pattern of abusive behaviour. Stand firm.

Teenagers will act out. It’s what they do. She will never have this birthday again. I would sit down and negotiate with her, so that you can enable the birthday but she has to make some commitments for the future.

Fucking hell. Don't do this OP.

I would ask her to write a letter explaining her view of why you're upset with her and to what extent she agrees with you, why she thinks you're reacting in the way that you are and how she could work with you to modify her behaviour going forward. I'd ask her to set out her view of how you can all work to make your home a happy and respectful one. I'd ask her to see if she can work with you to get to a point where you're not so reliant on punishments and you can reinstate the party without worrying that she'll think "she's got away with it" and continue to behave poorly.

Ha ha, I'm not scared thanks. Mine (17 & 14) have been fine, not skived and know not to give me shit. They have plenty of boundaries, but I wouldn't have gone to this extreme and if I had I'd be okay to negotiate an alternative with them. However I know that when I was a 15yo girl, if my mum had done what OP did and stuck to her guns, my anger would have been very hard to get past and I'd be more inclined to punish my mum back with what little power I had rather than meekly accept that it was all my fault and play nice at family cake time. Emotions are so strong at that age you need help to defuse not feed them.

Why not? Seems pretty sensible.

When did this become 'normal teenage behaviour'?

It wasn't when I was one. It wasn't when my niece and nephew were, which isn't nearly as long ago.

When did teaching become crowd control not education?

It bothers me that so many PPs are saying that this is normal.

Yours have 'plenty of boundaries' but here you are encouraging OP not to give her DD any. Mmmmhh. You sounded like a troubled teen. When my Mum disciplined me I took it on the chin and actually respected her a bit more for it, I didn't feel the need to 'punish' her for it.

Well I’m over 70 and it was when I was a teenager. And it was when I was the mother of a teenager.

You're so extreme. When did 'plenty of boundaries' have to include axing a kid's birthday party? And when did 'not axing a kid's birthday party' become not having any boundaries? Don't answer that, we're clearly on very different pages of parenting. I was taught moderation in all things and it's working out fine so far. Sure OP will take what she wants from the range of post and see what's apt.

I couldn’t do that, I think that’s too far ! Let her celebrate her birthday in style ! She’ll never get her 15 th birthday again ! You could do another punishment ie no iPad no pocket money not going out for a week etc but don’t do that to her on her birthday that’s pretty cruel x

Although I have to add that I wasn't a troubled teen at all, I was fine then too, thanks. Because my mum didn't act like the OP and my punishments were just. The issue here that many people are finding - including the OP/DH I suspect - is that their punishment is too extreme for the crime, so I can imagine what that injustice would feel like to me as a teen. It didn't happen to me, but I empathise.

Ridiculous. Teens have been pushing boundaries since the dawn of time.

Stand your ground. And I feel sorry for you- but from what I hear there is light at the end of the puberty tunnel!

To me this seems like a completely reasonable punishment.

That’s really sad she doesn’t talk to you or confide in you.

You’ve somehow created a them and us situation where you’ve got deep divisions between you now.

You need to change your language and the way you speak to her so she understands you love her, support her and then she can do the same for you.

Youre both deeply entrenched in your own world views.

Ask her how she is. How she really really is. Sit with her a while and ask her just to be with you, no talking needed, to just be together. Let things settle, let your presence together settle, we’re always rushing.

I see this so often, parents that haven’t had an open conversation with their kids for years. And often this same rebellious behaviour because you’re so far apart. They need you but somehow you’ve got too far away. Communication is the key to all good relationships. There are loads of resources online. Invest.

and tell her you love her, no matter what.

Exactly.