DH Took my car without asking

[SaveAndEarnMoreMoney]

AIBU?
I’ve been really sick whole week with an upper respiratory infection and it’s half term so I was looking after DD by myself whole week while DH was working and attending to things he needed to do, so I couldn’t go to the gym whole week. I started to go again in February as it helps with managing my stress levels and for my health in general. Because DH had to go to another town for 2 nights to help his parents, I had no time at all for myself this week and now that I’m better, I was looking forward to going to a body balance class this AM. DH always goes to bed really early (9pm) and this has been an issue in our marriage for years. He is self employed and works in the trades so gets up early (5am) and he sometimes goes to get parts before he goes to do a job. We both agree he doesn’t need to get up that early and it’d be ok if he went to bed at 10 and got up at 6 but he never does. (he says he’s tired even though he always got an 8 hour night even when DD was a baby, and it’s always me who sees to DD if she’s sick, can’t sleep or if there are any issues - even though I work too which I don’t mind at all but he still complains he’s tired and he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him, he says he’s tired because her gets up early… )
Anyway, I digress, I’ve ADHD, sorry!
So he went to bed quite suddenly last night and I didn’t get the chance to tell him about me wanting to go to the gym.
This morning I woke up, went to have a shower, it was quiet so I thought DD might be sleeping still or they might be downstairs. I got ready to go to the gym and then realised as I was going to leave, that my car was gone! I called DH and asked him where they were. It turns out they went out in my car, and they are half an hour away, so I can forget about my body balance class. I asked him why he took my car instead of going in his, and he just got angry with me saying he didn’t know I was going to go to the gym. That still doesn’t explain why he took my car and not his and he refused to answer that. His car is working, perfectly fine, and there’s no reasonable explanation as to why he took my car.
I feel so frustrated and I know when he gets home, he’ll be angry with me and at best I’ll be getting the silent treatment today. He does this; he wrongs me and if I complain about it, he blames me or gets angry with me. I don’t know how to deal with that!
Just to clarify, I’m not insured to drive his car so I can’t take it.

What are you teaching your daughter when you accept his behaviour? We all learn by what we see and are shown.

That’s so true!
How do I know though if it’s my behaviour that’s causing him to be like that to me? He says I twist things to suit my agenda but I don’t have an agenda. I just want to get along and live in peace. He says everything has to be my way but I don’t feel like that at all.
I’m so confused, what if all this is my fault? I had many bad relationships and I’m the only common ground!

Thank you so much, you’re so kind, I really appreciate it!
Right now I just feel like a truck hit me, I only slept 3.5 hours and the idea of my marriage ending is just too painful and overwhelming.
I literally don’t have anyone IRL who I can talk to or who will be on my side and help with anything.
I feel broken 😞

Ok let's play devil's advocate and say it is you, and you are unreasonable. Is it acceptable to get the response you get from your partner? I don't think it is, if you are so impossible to live with why has he stayed?
Once you have been in one abusive relationship you are at greater risk of ending up in another. Abusive people are very skilled at identifying people that are likely to be able to be coerced and controlled and those that have already had that normalised in a previous relationship can be more vulnerable to it in future relationships
I'm no saint, nor is my partner we do things that piss one another off and occasionally we need half an hour to ourselves to calm down but I can't think we have ever in 18 years we have ever had the battles you have described here. My sister and her ex husband - yep she had lots of it.
I think you do need to find people to talk to to get out of your head a little bit.
It's ok to be a bit overwhelmed you don't have to make the big decisions today. Find someone to talk it through with, I think some of the women's charities will be of use. They will have seen so many women in your situation questioning everything, not sure what to believe.
Would it help if we found some of the numbers for you?

Yes please, that’d really help, thank you!

Just before I met DH, I got out of a very abusive relationship. I was with that guy for 1.5 years after I got out of my previous marriage - he was a definite narcissist and he was big on mind games, he also cheated on me.
I guess if we look at it that my father was physically and emotionally abusive to me from the age of 2-14, my mum was manipulative as was her whole side of the family, and I was groomed by a 36 year old man when I was 13, which my mum blamed me for, I don’t have much experience of a normal, healthy relationship.
I don’t think I’ll ever be normal or have a normal relationship, I just feel like a big wound.
I don’t know how to care about myself because every time I try to stand up for myself, I just get a big slap and I’m so tired of it all. The only reason why I’m still here is my daughter. I love her to bits and I’d do anything for her. I’m just worried he’ll take her away from me; not physically but by being the good cop, the fun dad.

Just one little thing for you to consider OP is, that you don't have to have another relationship.

It is really possible to live a happy fulfilling life without any man.

You list so many men whom have abused you.

Going forward take a complete break.
Focus on yourself, your daughter and healing.

I would much prefer a si gle life to so many of the abusive relationships that posters write about on MN.

You don't need a man to be happy.

You have endured 10.5 years of this man wrong footing you at every turn.

Twisting and turning everything you say.

Surely be to god a break from ALL men would be hugely appealing?

I don’t think it’s that unusual not to drive your partner’s car. DH can drive mine but he has an automatic SUV which frankly I wouldn’t want to drive. And I’ve never driven an automatic.

Good luck @SaveAndEarnMoreMoney

Your post brought back a memory that my abusive ex took my car at odd times without asking knowing it would leave me housebound. Even though I had asked for him to not do so, he kept doing it. I’m sure it was more to upset me and isolate me as it was a lot older than his.

He also used tell me no one liked me and did so to boost his own low self esteem.

I see your point.
I just wanted to experience a happy, loving and supportive relationship when I met him. Clearly that didn’t pan out.
I still would like to experience that but I seem to have a knack for picking men that will hurt me.
I’ve just been thinking, maybe it is me, maybe I do something that turns them abusive! I just wish I know what that is! He didn’t seem abusive when we first met. He was kind and gentle, thoughtful and caring. It definitely doesn’t seem like he was the same guy he is now!
I don’t understand what I do to make them go bad!

My sister hasn't had a regular relationship since but she has had relationships. She favours those with a bit of distance so she has day to day independence living just with her daughter and then she has weekends when she wants to with a regular other half and has someone to talk on the phone with about her day and so on.

Relationships can come in all shapes and sizes. Don't get ahead of yourself but you can do something different to this next time.
It might be worth exploring some counselling routes?

National domestic abuse helpline run by refuge 0808 2000 247 phone line 24/7
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
Chat options through website 10am-10pm
Other languages are available via interpreters using the phone line

Email support
[email protected]

Signs of domestic abuse from the NHS page https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Emotional abuse
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:

• belittle you, or put you down?
• blame you for the abuse or arguments?
• deny that abuse is happening, or downplay it?
• isolate you from your family and friends?
• stop you going to college or work?
• make unreasonable demands for your attention?
• accuse you of flirting or having affairs?
• tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, and what to think?
• control your money, or not give you enough to buy food or other essential things?
• monitor your social media profiles, share photos or videos of you without your consent or use GPS locators to know where you are?

Threats and intimidation
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:

• threaten to hurt or kill you?
• destroy things that belong to you?
• stand over you, invade your personal space?
• threaten to kill themselves or the children?
• read your emails, texts or letters?
• harass or follow you?

Physical abuse
The person abusing you may hurt you in a number of ways.
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:

• slap, hit or punch you?
• push or shove you?
• bite or kick you?
• burn you?
• choke you or hold you down?
• throw things?

Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse can happen to anyone.
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:

• touch you in a way you do not want to be touched?
• make unwanted sexual demands?
• hurt you during sex?
• pressure you to have unsafe sex – for example, not using a condom?
• pressure you to have sex?

If anyone has sex with you when you do not want to, this is rape. It is still rape if that person is your partner.
Have you ever felt afraid of your partner?
Have you ever changed your behaviour because you're afraid of what your partner might do?
If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, there are lots of people who can help you.
Domestic violence and abuse against women often starts during pregnancy. If the relationship is already abusive, it can get worse.

There are more links to women's aid and refuge on the NHS page but I thought these would get you started

Remove him from yours then.

Thank you so much for all the information, I really appreciate your help!

I’m glad your sister found a way that works for her and I really hope she’s happy!

DH was all apologetic when we got home about the way he talked to me yesterday, but unfortunately I know that he’ll do it again. He apologised lots of times before but nothing changed 😞

Keep talking here if it helps. You have some clarity into his behaviour at the moment embrace it and don't let him charm his way back in.
I'd try to write an email to women's aid or talk on the domestic abuse chat function. Some times it's easier to put these things in writing rather than trying to find the right phrase in the moment when on a phone call.
You don't have to commit before you are ready but please do start looking at what the process might look like.

so you remove the keys to your car to somewhere only you know where they are.

And you tell him to grow the fuck up and leave a note.

But it would help if you tell him - or have a shared calendar - if you have plans.
But yes, he was an arse. Tell him it is not to happen again and put it behind you.

Thank you very much!
He apologised yesterday and has been nice since but I feel withdrawn from him.
I’m going to try to observe his behaviour and the pattern. I was also listening to some videos while driving this morning, on how to deal with this type of behaviour. I will try not to engage with his drama and not give him the energy he is after.
I realised a while ago that he always accuses me of making a big deal out of this or that, but actually, I just say something and it’s him who makes it into a massive drama. I say something simple like please close the freezer door if you’re not taking anything out of it, and the next thing I know if that he’s turned it into a 2-3 hour argument and somehow it’s all my fault! I have to stop engaging with these events to preserve my sanity and energy!

Ok, scratch that. He’s been nasty again.
I have a migraine and had to come home from work because it’s so bad.
He unexpectedly came home (this morning he said he had a busy day but that changed) and he tried to hug me and was apologising again. He said he knew he wasn’t my favourite person right now. 😳
I stupidly said to him ‘would you consider getting some help because every time I raise an issue with you, you have a bad reaction to it’
He had a bad reaction to it!
He said I was saying that it’s entirely his fault that we argue. I said this wasn’t the case but he just got angry with me, then shouted that he’ll take the dog for a walk and pick up DD from school. I told him not to and he accused me of being controlling.
He told me to find someone else. I asked him not to shout and said that I told him I had a migraine when he got home, and shouting at me and arguing was just making it even worse. He stormed out.
I feel sick and anxious, he will definitely give me the silent treatment when he comes in or start arguing again and I can’t take it!

I'm a migraine sufferer so right now get your some painkillers, have a lie down in a dark quiet room and feel better soon.

Tomorrow open a blank email and start writing down how he's making you feel and what living him is like. Gather your thoughts and build up a bit of fight to reach out to the organisations I sign posted you to yesterday

Get some rest and I hope the migraine passes quickly x

Thank you 💞

A perfect example of the abuse cycle.
He knew he had pushed you too far so apologised, but then gets very angry when you do not snap to attention and forgive him immediately, so then starts the abuse cycle all over again.

Stop enraging with.
If you could do one thing it would e to stop engaging at all.
Stop asking him to be a decent human being.
Stop asking him to get help.
Stop engaging.

Focus on getting help and support yourself

You have spent 10 years trying to engage with him.
It hasn't worked.
He hates you, really loathes you.
But like a lot of abusers it suits him to remain married to you.

Move out of the bedroom if you can to sleep elsewhere.
Get in contact with Women's aid.

Only you can save yourself and your daughter.

I’ve just been thinking, maybe it is me, maybe I do something that turns them abusive! I just wish I know what that is!
It's called being a kind and decent human being. The problem is you let the wrong (abusive) people into your life, or rather you allow them to stay in your life. This is where boundaries come in. Get them, keep them, use them, so you can walk away at the first signs.

I don’t understand what I do to make them go bad!
You don't make them go bad, they are already rotten inside. Abusers get a feel for who is more malleable and easy to train by pushing subtle boundaries at the beginning. And they will keep pushing until the other person either becomes a quivering wreck or walks away. Those with good boundaries walk away sooner, those with less boundaries stay longer. People who have been in previous abusive relationships tend to have low or no boundaries unless they have consciously worked on improving them through therapy to learn. Do The Freedom Programme for starters. It's cheap, it's accessible, it works.

If you are walking on eggshells, can never get a say, always confused, forever changing yourself to be "right", then you are in an abusive relationship. Even if you disagree with the word abusive then surely you must agree that it isn't a good one. And a bad relationship will never be good until BOTH people want it , will work for it, will change permanently for it. And that's very unlikely considering he thinks he's right.

Get out.

You say that you ignore all posts that mentionn ADHD but, unfortuately, you haven't ignored this one. OP mentioned that she had ADHD in her original post so you could have just 'tuned out' by leaving the thread without this pointless, ableist comment.

People with ADHD and thyroid disorders can have abusive partners and have every right to come to Mumsnet for relationship advice.

I didn’t see what this reply said - thank you for advocating for me.
Unfortunately women with ADHD are more likely to have abusive partners, I read that on several ADHD websites.
I just got the referral documents this week to complete and working through those (12 questionnaires to complete… 🙈) is already helping me to realise that ADHD made me so much more vulnerable. Getting a diagnosis would at least help me realise that I’m not an idiot or a bad person, like some of the abusive people in my life wanted me to believe, I’m just neurodiverse.