DH Took my car without asking

[SaveAndEarnMoreMoney]

AIBU?
I’ve been really sick whole week with an upper respiratory infection and it’s half term so I was looking after DD by myself whole week while DH was working and attending to things he needed to do, so I couldn’t go to the gym whole week. I started to go again in February as it helps with managing my stress levels and for my health in general. Because DH had to go to another town for 2 nights to help his parents, I had no time at all for myself this week and now that I’m better, I was looking forward to going to a body balance class this AM. DH always goes to bed really early (9pm) and this has been an issue in our marriage for years. He is self employed and works in the trades so gets up early (5am) and he sometimes goes to get parts before he goes to do a job. We both agree he doesn’t need to get up that early and it’d be ok if he went to bed at 10 and got up at 6 but he never does. (he says he’s tired even though he always got an 8 hour night even when DD was a baby, and it’s always me who sees to DD if she’s sick, can’t sleep or if there are any issues - even though I work too which I don’t mind at all but he still complains he’s tired and he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him, he says he’s tired because her gets up early… )
Anyway, I digress, I’ve ADHD, sorry!
So he went to bed quite suddenly last night and I didn’t get the chance to tell him about me wanting to go to the gym.
This morning I woke up, went to have a shower, it was quiet so I thought DD might be sleeping still or they might be downstairs. I got ready to go to the gym and then realised as I was going to leave, that my car was gone! I called DH and asked him where they were. It turns out they went out in my car, and they are half an hour away, so I can forget about my body balance class. I asked him why he took my car instead of going in his, and he just got angry with me saying he didn’t know I was going to go to the gym. That still doesn’t explain why he took my car and not his and he refused to answer that. His car is working, perfectly fine, and there’s no reasonable explanation as to why he took my car.
I feel so frustrated and I know when he gets home, he’ll be angry with me and at best I’ll be getting the silent treatment today. He does this; he wrongs me and if I complain about it, he blames me or gets angry with me. I don’t know how to deal with that!
Just to clarify, I’m not insured to drive his car so I can’t take it.

You could find a remote project management job, or pmo while you’re getting back into it, so you could still supervise school mornings. I know easier said than done but it’s something to aim for.

im betting he took your car as his needs filling up.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

You will only ever be covered third party insurance if you are driving off your own policy.

You'd be a fool to drive anything other than an old banger on third party cover

You are saying you don’t want to get divorced as you have seen so many children damaged by divorce yet you’re still damaging your child by staying in the marriage.

It’s a tale as old as time. Adult thinks they should stay in the marriage for the child’s sake, child grows up in a toxic dysfunctional household, child turns into adult with their own warped views on a healthy relationship and tells their parents they wish they’d split years ago.

If you stay for your child one day she will leave home and then you’ll be sat alone staring at your husband knowing it’s just you two and actually you wish you’d left years ago but you didn’t and you’ve wasted 10+ years staying for nothing.

He’s been having a go at me whole afternoon because I said to him when I called him: Pete, where is the fucking car?? He said I’m swearing at him and basically the way I talk to him is not acceptable!

He keeps going on and on about saying bad things about me when I ask him to talk to clear the air. If I try to interject and ask him not to keep putting me down, he says that I don’t let him talk! If I listen to him putting me down and don’t interject, and ask him something, then he’ll either over dramatise and exaggerate things or play it down completely. It’s really really hard to explain what he does. It’s all so subtle.
He now stormed out of the room because he needs time to think, wont talk to me and only talking to the cat and the dog (if DD was here, he’d talk to her too. Everyone but me). DD is gone over to her friend’s so thankfully not seeing her father being a knob again…
Or maybe I’m the knob, he says it’s all my fault and it seems that any time I say something, we end up like this so maybe there’s no point in saying anything, and he’s right, it is all my fault!

You’re perfectly right!

I’ll look into that, thank you! Even if I have to do some studying to get more qualifications, I’d get paid more as a part time PM vs a part time teaching assistant…

Apparently he had too much stuff in his car and that’s why he took mine.

Why are you tolerating this? Even if you don’t leave him, you don’t have to be a complete doormat. Why are you so desperate for this horrible man to talk to you? What are you so frightened of?

Oh OP the more you add to the thread the sadder it gets. I feel so desperately sad for you. He needs to go! You will manage, and you can have that job again. More and more jobs are remote/flexible now, he’s killed your confidence which you will regain again 10 fold.

Get angry. Don't try to appease him. Threaten him - tell him that the silent treatment is abuse and you won't put up with it any more. Do whatever it takes - move out of the marital bed, get your ducks in a row, go to a divorce solicitor to find out how your finances would work if you separated. Maybe try and find another great well-paid job, ready for when DC goes to secondary school. But find your inner anger and let him feel the heat.

He says I’m the abusive one! He always says I go on and on and that I’m nasty and horrible and awful. I grew up in a household with a physically and emotionally abusive father and a mother who was cold and allowed my father’s behaviour. My father was only like this to me. Not to my mother or my sister who is 1.5 years younger than me and very quiet and submissive. My father said things like ‘your friends only like you because they don’t know you’ and nobody will ever love you for yourself because you’re such a horrible person’.
So when my husband says things like that, I think they both just be right. It must be me.
I told my husband that my parents were like this when we first met.
He has said things like this when he’s angry with me, that I just go on and on (I’m a chatty person but when we have an argument, I honestly can’t get much out because he keeps talking over me and accuses me of not shutting up. He also disregards what I’m saying and doesn’t respond to it, just keeps saying the same stuff, which is mainly about all the bad things I do or say or or the things I should be doing. He just seems to think that I should be doing things the way he would do them but I’m my own person and I don’t know how he would do stuff, I only know how I would do it.
I tell my DD that this is not how a husband should treat his wife, so she doesn’t think this is normal, but he’s nice to her and gets her things and lets her do stuff I’d say no to, so he’s a good guy in her book. If she has any issues or they fall out, I am the one who always helps her.
I’d be very worried about him turning her against me if we got divorced so that’s another reason why I’m staying.
But yeah, the finances are a big second reason.

He doesn’t seem to care much when I’m sick, I had temperature for 3 days but he went to sort out his parents’ empty house because he took the time off to do that so didn’t want to waste the time. I could barely stand up and even making food for DD was so hard. I have asthma as well and woke up 2 nights ago coughing for about 5 minutes, I felt like I was drowning and he claimed he didn’t hear me (lying next to me in bed). I was coughing so hard, it hurt. That was really weird and I thought he really didn’t care about me. Even when he finally said ‘are you ok?’ (I clearly wasn’t) he didn’t even get me a glass of water.
I just felt so sad.

Talk to Women's aid.

Your father abused you and now your husband does.

Get help.
Typical abuser.
Took what you said and uses it against you to re-traumatise you.

So what if he tells you that you are abusive.
You are not.

This is what abusers do.

Help yourself and get onto a Domestic abuse organisation and ask for advice and support.

He's dispicable, and give your daughter more credit. She's of an age to realise what a cunt her father is.

Totally agree.
My daughter tells me that a few of her friends speak openly about how twatty their fathers are and they are nothing as bad as what the OP's daughter is being exposed to.

Children see it all clearly.

Thank you for being blunt and honest. It’s hard for me to see what is going on.
I grew up with a physically and emotionally abusive father and a cold, manipulative mother. The people who were supposed to love and protect me, were hurting me.
My husband is ok maybe 60-70% of the time. He is generally supportive and kind. The problem starts if we have a disagreement or if I don’t do something the way he expects me to, I guess.
It’s all quite complex and confusing. He also had a nasty father who cheated on and left his mother when he was around 5. So he has childhood trauma too.
Not an excuse, just an explanation.
It’s still not ok what he does!
I’d like to be in a loving, caring relationship with a kind and supportive man, I just don’t know how to get out of here because I financially depend on him and I also hear so many horror stories about dating nowadays, I don’t think I could cope with that. Alone would be better. I’m also worried he’d turn my daughter against me if we split up.
Also, if I’m perfectly truthful, I don’t know if a damaged person like me can ever find a good relationship or will I always just attract abusive men? That worries me! At least with him I know where I stand!

OP, there is your fundamental problem.
You are focused on the next man rather than being focused on getting free of this abusive nasty prick and living in peace with your daughter.

Having a man really is really not the be all and end all, especially a nasty prick like you have.

Is this really the model you want for your daughter?

Intergenerational trauma and abuse?
Would you really want so little for your daughter?

I certainly would rather my precious daughter ended up single a thousand times than end up with your story.

Don't rush into anything, but reach out for help, get strong in yourself and get planning for a new future.

He said he took her out so I can sleep and to buy me a present (it’s my ‘name day’ tomorrow, it’s a celebration in my home country that he usually remembers the day before, so he rushes to buy something. Yesterday a name day card came from my parents so that reminded him). He knew I was up already because he let the cat out from the living room and the cat keeps opening our bedroom when he comes upstairs. I’ve asked my husband many times before not to let the cat out in the morning…
I went back to lie down after using some nasal spray to help me breathe. I had my earplugs in from the night so I’ve not heard DH and DD leave.
He said his intentions were good and I’m making it all bad, turning a good thing into a bad thing. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I’m the bad person.

Well OP you clearly want to believe the worst about yourself as that seems to feel better.

Thats a pity because nothing will change for you or your daughter for as long as you allow him to control and manipulate you like that.

No, absolutely not, I did say above that alone would be better! I want the best for my daughter, she loves her dad and I didn’t think it’d be fair for me to take her from him. I thought it’s better if I put up and shut up, so she can see him every day.

I have no idea where I could get help from, he says I’m the bad one and he used to be in the fire service, he is always very calm with others, I’m the only one privy to his not nice side.

I don’t know what to believe anymore. When you’re told that you’re bad by people close to you, people who supposed to love you and protect you, it gets confusing!

Domestic abusers are always street angels and house terrorists.

Domestic abuse organisations are well used to being told that.

She says she doesn’t want to take sides, and is not want her to have to choose between her mother and father.
She seems to enjoy her father paying attention to her and him being nice to her. I don’t blame her, I never had that from my father and it must be nice. Plus when he is annoyed with me, he’s even nicer to her and goes plays basketball and football with her…

I didn’t know that!

If you've got your own comprehensive insurance, you'll be insured, no? I can drive anybody's car under my own policy - that's always been the case.

She doesn’t seem to, she just enjoys the attention she gets from him and he puts all his love on her whilst he ignores me.
He lets her do stuff I say no to (like climbing up the top of the garage) and is very attentive to her, again, whilst ignoring me.
He indeed is a c**t for doing this and all the emotional abuse. I’m just so fed up!

IDK, maybe, but he took his car keys…