DH Took my car without asking

[SaveAndEarnMoreMoney]

AIBU?
I’ve been really sick whole week with an upper respiratory infection and it’s half term so I was looking after DD by myself whole week while DH was working and attending to things he needed to do, so I couldn’t go to the gym whole week. I started to go again in February as it helps with managing my stress levels and for my health in general. Because DH had to go to another town for 2 nights to help his parents, I had no time at all for myself this week and now that I’m better, I was looking forward to going to a body balance class this AM. DH always goes to bed really early (9pm) and this has been an issue in our marriage for years. He is self employed and works in the trades so gets up early (5am) and he sometimes goes to get parts before he goes to do a job. We both agree he doesn’t need to get up that early and it’d be ok if he went to bed at 10 and got up at 6 but he never does. (he says he’s tired even though he always got an 8 hour night even when DD was a baby, and it’s always me who sees to DD if she’s sick, can’t sleep or if there are any issues - even though I work too which I don’t mind at all but he still complains he’s tired and he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him, he says he’s tired because her gets up early… )
Anyway, I digress, I’ve ADHD, sorry!
So he went to bed quite suddenly last night and I didn’t get the chance to tell him about me wanting to go to the gym.
This morning I woke up, went to have a shower, it was quiet so I thought DD might be sleeping still or they might be downstairs. I got ready to go to the gym and then realised as I was going to leave, that my car was gone! I called DH and asked him where they were. It turns out they went out in my car, and they are half an hour away, so I can forget about my body balance class. I asked him why he took my car instead of going in his, and he just got angry with me saying he didn’t know I was going to go to the gym. That still doesn’t explain why he took my car and not his and he refused to answer that. His car is working, perfectly fine, and there’s no reasonable explanation as to why he took my car.
I feel so frustrated and I know when he gets home, he’ll be angry with me and at best I’ll be getting the silent treatment today. He does this; he wrongs me and if I complain about it, he blames me or gets angry with me. I don’t know how to deal with that!
Just to clarify, I’m not insured to drive his car so I can’t take it.

Why do you put up with that

I agree with you. I just didn’t expect he’d take my car and now I’m stranded. I’ll probably go for a walk instead of waiting here and getting the blame for complaining about him taking my car and not being able to go to the gym.
When you say you’d not take the silent treatment etc. what would you do? Over the last 14 years I’ve tried everything I can think of but it’s always me getting the blame. If he’d does something that I don’t like, it doesn’t manger how nicely I say it to him, at best he’ll be defensive or grumpy about it. It always gets his back up. I’ve been asking him for about 11 years now, please tell me got to tell you if I’d like you to do something differently, so you don’t get annoyed with me. His answer is ‘I don’t know!’ I’ve tried everything I can think of. If we didn’t have a child together, I’d have left years ago! 😖

Even if OP's insurance covers her 3rd party on other cars she still needs the owners permission, which it sounds doubtful she'd get.

If it's a repeated pattern of 'what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine and if you don't like it, I will punish you', then I'd be seeking divorce.

It's not a marriage if he is in charge.

Absolutely no idea why you put up with this
Plenty of people get divorced with a child

The silent treatment is abusive. I’d point that out and, frankly plan for divorce. Alternatively match his energy. Give the silent treatment right back.

the silent treatment is just not sexy and I’d not be feeling physically attracted to someone who behaves like that for a while afterwards …

I don’t know what else to do. I used to have a great, well paid job. Now I’m teaching assistant and earn peanuts. We agreed my priority will be raising our daughter and he’ll be working. Our finances are complicated. I have no idea how I could cope financially alone. I don’t think I could.
I’ve been trying over the last 3-4 years to set myself up financially but with all the child care and most of the household and admin stuff on me, I’m not doing very well…
He does help out, washes and hangs out the clothes but he always mentions this when we have an argument. How he does all the laundry. And he does 30-40% of tidying away the kitchen too. But he rarely acknowledges all the things I do.

As I said in subsequent post. I got fed up and left him altogether. Obviously lots of other reasons too. It was soul destroying for me when he was horrible to me when he’d been the one to do something wrong/irritating. I have a new partner now and so far he’s very easy going snd not like my ex but we are older and not parenting children. I think that does add on pressure to a relationship.

First post doesn't nail it as they clearly didnt read the post properly 🙄

I agree, it really is not attractive and it does majorly put me off him. It’s like dealing with a petulant child.

It’s always me trying to make peace even though he wronged me. I’m just so fed up with it!

When I say I had enough, he says he’ll change but it never lasts more than a couple of weeks.

Now your daughter is 11, can you get back to full time work and independence?

I can't stand a man who sulks. I'd just tell him to grow the fuck up and let you know when he's managed to work out how to behave like a sensible adult.

You are clearly in a highly sbusive controlling relationship OP and need the support of womans aid.

This was deliberate.
Start hiding your keys.
Start planning your escape.
Do not get into it when he gets home.
Just get support, tell family and friends the truth, and start planning.
Move out of your shared bedroom for a start.
Keep notes of his behaviour.
Look up Coercive control.
Look up financial abuse and see if it rings a bell with you.

Do you think that he took your car on purpose so that you couldn't go to the gym? I can't think of any other reason why he wouldn't take his own car.

He sounds absolutely horrible. Speak to a solicitor. You might be better off than you think if you divorce.

I'd have just taken a taxi this time.

When he starts the silent treatment, tell him to take his petulance out of the fucking house until he's over himself.

The silent treatment is classed as domestic violence. It's abuse.

Take his key to your car. He doesn't get to drive it anymore.

See what benefits you might be entitled to
Do you own your house?

You should not have to be constantly on edge

Start making plans

Be careful with driving other cars insurance. It often excludes partner's car.

Just get yourself added to his insurance, will avoid all this drama. What if your car suddenly breaks down? Surely you would need the option to drive his and vice versa. For that reason we’re all insured on all cars in our household (all adults and young adults).

Excuse me?

Check the edit history.

Make an appointment to see a solicitor, research your options with them. You’ll feel a lot more confident when you have a plan. Don’t tell him you’re doing this. Maybe look at the freedom programme as well.

Why aren’t you insured to drive your husband’s car?

I think the answer is to either insist on getting insured on his, or not insuring him on yours. And of course you could hide the keys….

The OP was edited to add she wasn't insured.

Download the Cuvva app- book yourself a few hours insurance and take is car somewhere, anywhere. See how he likes it. Make sure you’re out when they get back.

Time to get yourself back into your proper job, child is 11 now and will be in big school soon.

why is he insured on your car ?

1-take him off of your insurance
2-use his personal possessions without his permission at every possible opportunity and if he challenges you either laugh it off or get angry with him randomly as the mood takes you.

I know when he gets home, he’ll be angry with me and at best I’ll be getting the silent treatment today. He does this; he wrongs me and if I complain about it, he blames me or gets angry with me. I don’t know how to deal with that! This is abuse. It is dealt with by him either seeking professional help or you leaving. Those really are the only two options.

I don’t know what else to do. I used to have a great, well paid job. Now I’m teaching assistant and earn peanuts. We agreed my priority will be raising our daughter and he’ll be working. Our finances are complicated. I have no idea how I could cope financially alone. I don’t think I could Absolute rubbish. Of course you could. You haven’t lost your skills, you’ve just lost your confidence. Did you get that great, well paid job because you were incapable and unable to cope? Of course not! You got it and, more importantly, you kept it because you are strong and capable. He is just as responsible for the complications as you are. They don’t all land on your shoulders to fix and be responsible for. He’s just ground you down so much that he’s convinced you that you can’t manage without him. Do you think he’s panicking about what he’d do if you left him? Probably not, and yet he’s the one whose life would suddenly become a lot harder without you.

I’ve been trying over the last 3-4 years to set myself up financially but with all the child care and most of the household and admin stuff on me, I’m not doing very well… I’m not surprised. Look, divorce isn’t easy. And until you get yourself back into work, you might have to go on to Universal Credit for a while. There will be times you will have to budget every single penny. But you won’t be dealing with a big sulky baby on top of everything else.

He does help out, washes and hangs out the clothes but he always mentions this when we have an argument. How he does all the laundry. And he does 30-40% of tidying away the kitchen too. But he rarely acknowledges all the things I do No darling, that’s not ‘helping out’. He’s not doing you a favour. The washing, the tidying, the cooking, the cleaning and the scrubbing belongs to both of you. You both live there, you both create the mess. He doesn’t get to act like he’s Husband of the Year because he does one thing on a list of dozens of things. He might be the larger earner, but unless he’s paying you, he doesn’t get to buy his way out of doing his share. And even if he works longer hours than you, it still needs to be proportionate. The next time he brings it up in an argument, tell him very calmly that you are done pretending that he is a wonderful man and that you are grateful for him doing less than the bare minimum. And then calmly walk out of the room. Show him that he doesn’t have the power he thinks that doing a bit of laundry brings him.