DH Took my car without asking

[SaveAndEarnMoreMoney]

AIBU?
I’ve been really sick whole week with an upper respiratory infection and it’s half term so I was looking after DD by myself whole week while DH was working and attending to things he needed to do, so I couldn’t go to the gym whole week. I started to go again in February as it helps with managing my stress levels and for my health in general. Because DH had to go to another town for 2 nights to help his parents, I had no time at all for myself this week and now that I’m better, I was looking forward to going to a body balance class this AM. DH always goes to bed really early (9pm) and this has been an issue in our marriage for years. He is self employed and works in the trades so gets up early (5am) and he sometimes goes to get parts before he goes to do a job. We both agree he doesn’t need to get up that early and it’d be ok if he went to bed at 10 and got up at 6 but he never does. (he says he’s tired even though he always got an 8 hour night even when DD was a baby, and it’s always me who sees to DD if she’s sick, can’t sleep or if there are any issues - even though I work too which I don’t mind at all but he still complains he’s tired and he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him, he says he’s tired because her gets up early… )
Anyway, I digress, I’ve ADHD, sorry!
So he went to bed quite suddenly last night and I didn’t get the chance to tell him about me wanting to go to the gym.
This morning I woke up, went to have a shower, it was quiet so I thought DD might be sleeping still or they might be downstairs. I got ready to go to the gym and then realised as I was going to leave, that my car was gone! I called DH and asked him where they were. It turns out they went out in my car, and they are half an hour away, so I can forget about my body balance class. I asked him why he took my car instead of going in his, and he just got angry with me saying he didn’t know I was going to go to the gym. That still doesn’t explain why he took my car and not his and he refused to answer that. His car is working, perfectly fine, and there’s no reasonable explanation as to why he took my car.
I feel so frustrated and I know when he gets home, he’ll be angry with me and at best I’ll be getting the silent treatment today. He does this; he wrongs me and if I complain about it, he blames me or gets angry with me. I don’t know how to deal with that!
Just to clarify, I’m not insured to drive his car so I can’t take it.

You know, the weird thing is, when I met him, he told me how he supported his alcoholic ex through a tribunal as he was racially abused by her superiors. Because of this, I thought he was a kind person, not an abuser!

Our cars are whosever is first in the drive gets taken be it mine, my hubby's or whichever child's car. We'd never even think of asking permission to take each other's car, there's just not need. We're family, that's how families work, being possessive of an object like that is just weird and more than a but sad. 🤨

You are right! Literally I’m staying because of her but what you are saying makes so much sense!
I’m scared of not being able to cope alone, I don’t have anyone who can help me. My family are all abroad, and I don’t have anyone. I’m worried about finances, as well as where will we live?? I don’t have anywhere to go, I can’t just up it and leave, and I’m not leaving my girl!

I tried talking with him again tonight, and he just got angry with me and stormed off. I don’t understand. I say something to him and he’s responding as if I said something different! I feel like I’m going crazy! I said to him, that’s not what I said!
I was just saying to him I wish we could just get on with each other, live in peace, have some banter, but he said we can’t have banter because apparently I’m very specific about stuff, I really don’t understand, and when I asked him to explain what he meant, he said when our daughter does this it’s annoying and I’m doing it too, I don’t understand! I told him I didn’t understand and he said he couldn’t be bothered with talking to me and he was going to bed! I feel so confused and upset. I don’t know what I’ve done!

He said he was going to be home as he had to do some paperwork.

Women’s Aid can help you make a plan for the things you’re concerned about. A solicitor can also advise you on how the finances can be allocated. You have a child and presumably a marriage of a similar age to her? Get some legal advice. Then make your plans. You won’t be living on your wage alone.

OP, with kindness, how were you expecting that to go? You’re asking your abuser to stop abusing you and being astonished that it isn’t working.

Does nobody read the post!
He did not do a nice thing he took her car without asking her.

dont get why your not both on each car, we are and yes hubby will sometimes take mine without asking to save swapping car seats etc but hey I just pop in his..don't think it's the big deal your making it tbh

Maybe I’m an idiot but I was hoping that we could talk and that he’d see things from my perspective but yes, you’re right, what was I thinking?? I just didn’t realise he was really abusive. I thought it was all my fault, that if I try harder or say the right things, then he’ll react differently, but I just don’t know what to say or do anymore. Everything I say or do seems to be wrong, and he just gets angry with me, or rolls his eyes at me, sighs loudly and talks to me as if I’m stupid. If I protest or say that this is abusive, he walks out or tells me that I’m the abusive one! It’s all really confusing!

Thank you 🙏🏼

Thank you. We have been married for 12.5 years and have an 11 year old DD.
I will make some enquiries, thank you for your encouragement!

OP, I mean this in the most kindest possible way………..you seriously need to get a grip of your situation and put your big girl pants on.

Why are you repeatedly going to him trying to pacify him and make him talk?!

For fucks sake STOP ✋🏼 get your self respect back!

Stop giving him all the power in your relationship. You are not some naive 20 year old! You know your worth!

If he likes the silent treatment so much give it him & just ignore the abusive twat. He will not be able to cope with that as he is used to you begging/pleading for his attention/affection.

You’ll find he will start talking as he will be on the back foot wondering why is she not doing what she always does. He’ll want answers, as he has trained you to always want to pacify him, start wearing your headphones say you are listening to a podcast, make sure you are in case he checks. You aren’t going to be available to him anymore as his verbal punch bag. Once your daughter goes to bed you start making yourself busy. You will not be around him so will not be overthinking about what he is thinking & doing. Start preparing for the long game as of now.

Don’t be upset or angry be calm & confuse the fuck out of him.

You are about to Spring Clean your house not because you have nothing better to do but because you need to maintain your distance so you don’t revert back to type, start looking for the documents you will be told you need.

Start to create an area of items you will need when the time comes like basic essentials. If he questions what you are doing just say this is just you being prepared so you never run out of basic necessities at home. You are being super organised and having a clear out. Just talk in the most boring way about it, say you saw a few social media posts about it and you want to be more organised. Talk about getting containers for things, labelling machine etc. You know all the stuff Stacey Solomon talks about.

Get yourself back in that drivers seat, contact Women’s Aid, speak to a solicitor, start getting all the financial info on your phone and lock and hide it on your phone so if he did ever get access to your phone he would not know you had that info.

Your daughter needs to grow up understanding healthy and normal loving relationships. If you do not leave this abusive idiot you will be teaching your daughter that everything that goes on between you both is perfectly normal.

You will find making yourself busy working on your escape plan overwhelming once you have spoken to Women’s Aid & a solicitor. This plan is what your focus now needs to be.

This is not how the rest of your life is going to play out because guess what you are leaving him. You just need to get your ducks in a row first.

Leave him to his own devices, use this time to read up on what he has put you through so you understand it & again address why you second guess everything when it comes to him.

Start planning your moves, get back on looking for a PM Role. Yes you have been out of the game for 11 years but what do you think the role of a Mother entails?? Are you not the PM of your own home? Have you suddenly lost those skills?? My answer no! All you have lost is your self confidence, self belief. The constant internal questioning whenever you say or do anything and it is your time now to get that back OP.

Remember who you were & let’s start working on LTB!!!!

If you ever need to talk or just someone to rant too we are all here. We will be here for you to help you. You are not on your own there are some very strong knowledgeable women on this Forum. I have seen their advice to be very invaluable to posters who find themselves in abusive relationships.

I hope I haven’t offended you I just want you to stand tall and just say no more. He needs to be able to see just from your demeanour that you are not going to be his little mouse he thinks he can control.

Sorry for the long post. X

You feel like it is all your fault and it's you that should change because he has conditioned you to think this. Probably building on what you learned through the relationship with your father.

Reach out to organisations. Try to keep it under the radar that you are doing so. The riskiest time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when they are trying to leave. Whilst you are playing along and following the rules and tiptoeing around they feel secure that you are there's once you show some fight and look like you are going to leave they can double down and escalate the control and abuse. The only time my ex-BIL got violent was the day my sister left him.

There is now no fault divorce, this wasn't in place when my sister divorced and she was told to put the bare minimum in the application that demonstrated the unreasonable behaviour. There was a catalogue of horrendous stuff but that was left out she was told to not include anything that might antagonise the situation in the first instance and to see if he accepted the divorce on that before gradually increasing what was included. The grounds she actually divorced on was a drop in ocean compared to what she experienced but she got her divorce she got her freedom that's the goal so don't worry about getting all the details documented.

Try to look for birth and marriage certificates, passport, id any information on bank accounts and wages etc but the priority here would be reach out to organisations that can provide you with practical support in the process of leaving

Sorry if I've missed the answer to this, but why do you insure your husband on your car and he doesn't do the same for his car?

Thank you so much for taking the time to write back and for all your help!
The idea of leaving seems overwhelming, but staying in a relationship where I’m constantly having to think about what I say, how he’s going to react, will he give me a sigh, and eye roll, or have a go at me or walk away, will he ignore me or give me the silent treatment if I said the wrong thing, just makes me feel sad. For my daughter, for myself.
I just always think I’ve done something wrong. He says the way I talk is aggressive, that I’m aggressive, I spend ages trying to think how I’ll say something to him and if we text it’s better, so I’m thinking it must be my accent! I offered to go to elocution lessons, to get rid of my Eastern European accent, but he said I shouldn’t. My accent is very obvious and I keep thinking that’s why he thinks I’m talking aggressively but after 14 years together (12.5 married) I thought he’d know me by now.
He never says anything about me being a nice person, even though I help a lot of people and I’m kind to everyone. He is complimentary about my looks but I don’t think he likes me as a person. He does a lot of nice things too and I feel like if I don’t say the wrong thing or I don’t complain then we get along ok. He makes me cups of tea and he doesn’t say anything bad about finances and that I earn a lot less. He’s not financially controlling. He doesn’t have a problem with me meeting with friends (which I rarely do tbh) or going to work (trying to build my own business). He just doesn’t really talk to me much and that’s what I loved most about him when we first met. I feel like it’s my fault that he is the way he is with me and he says it’s my fault too. I’m just so confused because I can see that the way he is with me is not ok. I just keep thinking that if I did something differently then he’d be nice again. He used to be nice and he changed when DD was 6 months old. I still remember the day he changed, it was so marked and so unexpected. I didn’t do anything and he had a massive change and nasty outburst and I was so so shocked. That was 10.5 years ago. That’s a long time and I’ve been trying ever since.
I hear what you’re saying but I don’t even know where to start, I’m all over the place, menopause exacerbated my ADHD symptoms and most days I’m just about able to cope.

I’m sorry that happened to your sister, sounds horrendous! 😞
I have all those documents, I don’t know much about his finances (like how much he earns exactly but it does vary) but I can access his credit files as I set it up for him.
What I find hard is reaching out. I don’t know what to say to these organisations. He does a lot of nice things too and I thought the bad stuff was my fault. It’s all so subtle and he always says it’s my fault. I just feel so bad! I don’t even know where to start!

Please read the OP's posts, would you?

It’s ok, it’s because he uses his car for work.

This! But also the silent treatment is abusive.

Sorry, it seems I messed it up somehow and didn’t reply back to you, just posted my reply…
Thank you so much for taking the time to write back and for all your help!
The idea of leaving seems overwhelming, but staying in a relationship where I’m constantly having to think about what I say, how he’s going to react, will he give me a sigh, and eye roll, or have a go at me or walk away, will he ignore me or give me the silent treatment if I said the wrong thing, just makes me feel sad. For my daughter, for myself.
I just always think I’ve done something wrong. He says the way I talk is aggressive, that I’m aggressive, I spend ages trying to think how I’ll say something to him and if we text it’s better, so I’m thinking it must be my accent! I offered to go to elocution lessons, to get rid of my Eastern European accent, but he said I shouldn’t. My accent is very obvious and I keep thinking that’s why he thinks I’m talking aggressively but after 14 years together (12.5 married) I thought he’d know me by now.
He never says anything about me being a nice person, even though I help a lot of people and I’m kind to everyone. He is complimentary about my looks but I don’t think he likes me as a person. He does a lot of nice things too and I feel like if I don’t say the wrong thing or I don’t complain then we get along ok. He makes me cups of tea and he doesn’t say anything bad about finances and that I earn a lot less. He’s not financially controlling. He doesn’t have a problem with me meeting with friends (which I rarely do tbh) or going to work (trying to build my own business). He just doesn’t really talk to me much and that’s what I loved most about him when we first met. I feel like it’s my fault that he is the way he is with me and he says it’s my fault too. I’m just so confused because I can see that the way he is with me is not ok. I just keep thinking that if I did something differently then he’d be nice again. He used to be nice and he changed when DD was 6 months old. I still remember the day he changed, it was so marked and so unexpected. I didn’t do anything and he had a massive change and nasty outburst and I was so so shocked. That was 10.5 years ago. That’s a long time and I’ve been trying ever since.
I hear what you’re saying but I don’t even know where to start, I’m all over the place, menopause exacerbated my ADHD symptoms and most days I’m just about able to cope.

Re work situation, I think that they want to employ PMs or in any job, where you have recent work experience? I don’t think being a mum would count? There are so many experienced people out there, applying for jobs, I didn’t think anyone would even look at my CV Twice let alone give me a chance at an interview, as my 1 decade of experience was over a decade ago. X

If these men were all bad women would never stay. They switch between different modes to keep you guessing, to keep you on your toes and to keep you compliant. They throw enough good days so that when there are bad days you question whether it's you or them.

If you give them a call and just say "I'm looking for some advice with my marriage. I'm starting to question whether it's a controlling relationship and need advice on how to leave."

He showed his true colours 10.5 years ago, and continues to show them every day.

You do not need to live like this, and actually it is not good for your daughter - she will pick up on it.

You don't think you know what to say to any charities that can help, just a simple ' I believe I am being abused by my husband ' I would guess whoever you speak to will gently ask more.

Read to yourself what you have written on this thread, write it down if needed - make notes as you can then use that as to why you believe / think / know you are being abused by your husband.

Reread the replies you have been given, yet again make notes of the points / comments that jump out at you / that you agree with / that you know / realise he is doing to you.

I think just picking up the phone is going to be the hardest bit.

There is help out there, you just need to find it / ask for it.

There are some really good websites out there,
the below is just 2 of them:
www.turn2us.org.uk will let you figure out what financial help you could get

and the CMS calculator estimate how much CMS your husband could have to pay www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Finally the website www.gov.uk/divorce
will walk you through the steps of divorce - you don't have to do anything you cam just read each page.

@SaveAndEarnMoreMoney He has really done a number on you where you question everything & whether it’s perhaps your fault.

You sound so lovely and vulnerable at the same time. Like @Superscientist said just tell them that you are looking for advice regarding your marriage. They will know about your concerns and will be able to talk you through what you are experiencing & feeling.

This is a lot & is probably so overwhelming for you. For now let’s just do baby steps and contact Womens Aid but don’t call from home. Make the call away from home and make notes either on your phone or write it down but then afterwards put the notes of your call on your phone and hide it away so no one can see this.

Once you have done that, try and take it in but make bullet points of the things they tell you, you need to do.

Then when you are ready and you are a bit clearer come back and give us an update. Then we can help you on what you need to get done first.

You are probably right now walking round with a head that is so heavy as you are trying to process everything that is going on. That’s where we all come in to help you talk it all through and help guide you on what you need. Like they say ten heads is better than one.

Be kind to yourself OP please, you haven’t done anything wrong!

He has.

Let me know if you need any help in finding info etc. I will help you as much as I can. X

Put your cv out there and see op, you never know. Try a career coach? You are in an abusive relationship so, time to get practical and detached. You cant change him, there’s no point talking to him, he has zero interest in caring how you feel, it is time to focus less on him and more on your career so you can carve out a life you can take your daughter to.

It may not cost more to be named as a second driver, if fact it may make the premium lower if you are low risk. It would be worth asking your insurance company- I assume you both use the same company.