DH Took my car without asking

[SaveAndEarnMoreMoney]

AIBU?
I’ve been really sick whole week with an upper respiratory infection and it’s half term so I was looking after DD by myself whole week while DH was working and attending to things he needed to do, so I couldn’t go to the gym whole week. I started to go again in February as it helps with managing my stress levels and for my health in general. Because DH had to go to another town for 2 nights to help his parents, I had no time at all for myself this week and now that I’m better, I was looking forward to going to a body balance class this AM. DH always goes to bed really early (9pm) and this has been an issue in our marriage for years. He is self employed and works in the trades so gets up early (5am) and he sometimes goes to get parts before he goes to do a job. We both agree he doesn’t need to get up that early and it’d be ok if he went to bed at 10 and got up at 6 but he never does. (he says he’s tired even though he always got an 8 hour night even when DD was a baby, and it’s always me who sees to DD if she’s sick, can’t sleep or if there are any issues - even though I work too which I don’t mind at all but he still complains he’s tired and he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him, he says he’s tired because her gets up early… )
Anyway, I digress, I’ve ADHD, sorry!
So he went to bed quite suddenly last night and I didn’t get the chance to tell him about me wanting to go to the gym.
This morning I woke up, went to have a shower, it was quiet so I thought DD might be sleeping still or they might be downstairs. I got ready to go to the gym and then realised as I was going to leave, that my car was gone! I called DH and asked him where they were. It turns out they went out in my car, and they are half an hour away, so I can forget about my body balance class. I asked him why he took my car instead of going in his, and he just got angry with me saying he didn’t know I was going to go to the gym. That still doesn’t explain why he took my car and not his and he refused to answer that. His car is working, perfectly fine, and there’s no reasonable explanation as to why he took my car.
I feel so frustrated and I know when he gets home, he’ll be angry with me and at best I’ll be getting the silent treatment today. He does this; he wrongs me and if I complain about it, he blames me or gets angry with me. I don’t know how to deal with that!
Just to clarify, I’m not insured to drive his car so I can’t take it.

When I read the OP I initially thought that this seems to be a house with no communication at all; DH goes to bed without a discussion about what you are all doing the next day, DD goes out to play without a discussion about what time she needs to be back, DH insures the cars without a discussion about who is insured on what.

But, the updates have made me think that there is no communication because you are walking on eggshells, scared to upset the status quo and upset His Lordship.

Contact Women's Aid or Citizens' Advice Bureau and see what benefits/ child maintainance you would be eligible for because neither you or DD should be living like this

Yeah the sulking is pathetic! I lose respect for him every time he does it.

I’d still need to be here when she comes home from school and help her get ready in the mornings as she is suspected ADHD too; with that completely time blind and if I don’t help her, she’s not focussing on getting ready.

I used to be a facilities manager, project manager, and was responsible for H & S too - it was very full time, IDK if it could be done PT and I don’t think anyone would want me after not doing the job for 11 years!

I feel very disappointed too, I didn’t expect that he’ll turn out to be like this!

Thank you so much for your kind words and for your support! 💞

I’m sorry you had to go through this too!
I'm glad you got out!
I’m not sure I’ll have the courage 😞

Cuvva. You can insure yourself on his for a few hours. Get him to pay for it when he returns

Now have read the updates so prob not the point anymore but we just have 2 cars we can both drive and you take whichever is easiest/fits your need - I don't get all this "mine and his" stuff...

But it does sound like this is just the tip of a massive iceberg

I see so many children in the school where I work, who are damaged by their parents’ divorce.
If they do it sensibly, then it can be done well and it’s better than having feuding parents.
My husband can’t even have a civilised argument. I’ve asked him many times not to argue in front of our daughter. Last time he was getting argumentative and objectionable, I asked him to go out in the garden with me so we can talk in a civilised manner as I don’t think he’d shout at me if the neighbours could hear it. He refused and carried on ranting at me.
I pointed it out to him many times that giving the silent treatment is emotionally abusive. That he does DARVO when I raise something with him that I don’t like.
Also that his ‘I’m sorry you feel like that’ is a backhanded apology.
He rants at me and when I start saying something, he interrupts, sighs, rolls his eyes or walks away. When I say I’ve the right to say what I want to say too, he says I go on and on and on. In fact he does that but he always says I’m the one doing it!

That needs to be changed ASAP. And get an uber in the future.

Thank you but he took his car keys so couldn’t have driven his car anyway 🙈

Thanks, I was just about to leave when I realised my car wasn’t on the drive. By the time a taxi would have turned up, I’d have missed the class… If I knew he was going to take my car, I could have made provisions.

I think you misread it re DD, I didn’t write about her in this respect but I always know when she goes out to play and what time she’s due back, and she gets home on time too. 💖

Yes, I do feel like I’m walking on eggshells sometimes.
DH is not always like this, but we definitely have an issue around civilised arguments and him getting emotionally abusive if I raise something that him that I didn’t like or if I feel he wronged me, no matter how sensitively or nicely I say it.
It is only easy to communicate with him if he wants to communicate.
Once he goes to bed 30-40 minutes after DD is gone to bed, I’m alone every single night and it’s miserable, but I had to stop letting it get to me because when I mentioned it to him in the past, it mostly lead to an argument with things being my fault somehow.

His premium would almost certainly be cheaper if you were named in his policy as an additional driver unless you have points or a previous driving ban.

You can’t change him. He doesn’t want to change. He’s shown you time and again who he really is. He’s got you exactly where he wants you. Stop wasting your time and energy on him. Take all that energy and put it in yourself and your daughter. Make your plans and leave him. You and your daughter’s lives will be so much better without this horrible man dragging you down.

So he took your car and his car keys?

This is a totally calculated and controlling move to leave you deliberately stranded. Coupled with his abusive silent treatment of you and the DARVO, he is an abusive cunt.

Truly. You must leave.

Just to clarify, I’m not insured to drive his car so I can’t take it.

When he gets home, just say, 'to avoid this happening again, let's get me insured on your car'.

Surely he didn't take your car, and both sets of keys for his?

I would also be looking at returning to a better paid job-if he really is controlling, you won't be able to support a household on a TA wage.

Not really...

Yep, he planned it.

You really do need to leave, if not for you then DD, she's seeing this and thinking that's what a relationship looks like. When she's older she too might be trapped by a complete bastard, but she won't leave him, because you didn't.

This part seems to have been skipped over. Why weren't you invited to join them @SaveAndEarnMoreMoney ?

And I agree with others, he deliberately kept you trapped at home. It's time to start planning (CAB, solicitors) and collecting paperwork. Even if you don't act on it now it will be useful information later on.

Hide your car keys from the twat.

Please reach out to Women's aid.
You are a victim of Coercive control, which is a crime.
You might be eligible for legal aid.
He is emotionally abusing your child by screaming abuse at you.

Please reach out for help.
Deliberately not caring for you when you are so ill, is also abuse.

He's using your petrol, or keeping the milage down on his. One or the other.

Get a Taxi and make him pay for it. Oh, and ring the police telling them your car has been stolen (taken without permission).

OP, based on your posts, your DH is an emotionally abusive man who doesn’t seem to like you very much. You know this and appear to be asking if this is yet another example of him treating you poorly - the answer is yes.

However, you appear have resigned yourself to it all, have reasoned yourself out of leaving and will be placating him when he gets home.

This.

And I’d go further. I’d say he needs to insure me on his car and give me a key. When he says no, as he probably will, then I’d be on to my insurance company and I’d take him off mine and tell him he’s no longer insured to drive it.

Wow. This was planned. I would take him off the insurance for your car.

He is controlling you OP.