DH Took my car without asking

[SaveAndEarnMoreMoney]

AIBU?
I’ve been really sick whole week with an upper respiratory infection and it’s half term so I was looking after DD by myself whole week while DH was working and attending to things he needed to do, so I couldn’t go to the gym whole week. I started to go again in February as it helps with managing my stress levels and for my health in general. Because DH had to go to another town for 2 nights to help his parents, I had no time at all for myself this week and now that I’m better, I was looking forward to going to a body balance class this AM. DH always goes to bed really early (9pm) and this has been an issue in our marriage for years. He is self employed and works in the trades so gets up early (5am) and he sometimes goes to get parts before he goes to do a job. We both agree he doesn’t need to get up that early and it’d be ok if he went to bed at 10 and got up at 6 but he never does. (he says he’s tired even though he always got an 8 hour night even when DD was a baby, and it’s always me who sees to DD if she’s sick, can’t sleep or if there are any issues - even though I work too which I don’t mind at all but he still complains he’s tired and he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him, he says he’s tired because her gets up early… )
Anyway, I digress, I’ve ADHD, sorry!
So he went to bed quite suddenly last night and I didn’t get the chance to tell him about me wanting to go to the gym.
This morning I woke up, went to have a shower, it was quiet so I thought DD might be sleeping still or they might be downstairs. I got ready to go to the gym and then realised as I was going to leave, that my car was gone! I called DH and asked him where they were. It turns out they went out in my car, and they are half an hour away, so I can forget about my body balance class. I asked him why he took my car instead of going in his, and he just got angry with me saying he didn’t know I was going to go to the gym. That still doesn’t explain why he took my car and not his and he refused to answer that. His car is working, perfectly fine, and there’s no reasonable explanation as to why he took my car.
I feel so frustrated and I know when he gets home, he’ll be angry with me and at best I’ll be getting the silent treatment today. He does this; he wrongs me and if I complain about it, he blames me or gets angry with me. I don’t know how to deal with that!
Just to clarify, I’m not insured to drive his car so I can’t take it.

I didn’t realise they did that! Thank you. I mean, I knew this sort of thing happened but I just couldn’t see that it’s happening to me too! I don’t think I know what it’s like to be in a ‘normal’ relationship or what a normal relationship looks like.

Thank you. I think the hard thing is to collect evidence, so I can see and show what he’s like. It’s all so subtle and he makes it sound like it’s all my fault, so it’s very confusing!

I guess I just want to feel loved and acknowledged, but I’m beginning to think it shouldn’t be this hard surely!
I always feel hollow when I see genuine affection and love between a couple, because it highlights to me how my relationship is not like that…

Two books that might benefit you.

Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft
It explains exactly the tactics of abusive men.

Women who love too much Robin Norwood

I think these might help you understand what is going on.

Your daughter is his pawn, thats all.

He uses her to hurt you.
He truly is scum.

She doesn't have to choose between the two of you.

You just need to get away.
He gets a kick out of being the best parent to hurt you further.

He's a real low life.

Reach out to Women's aid or a local domestic abuse charity and ask for help.

Tell them the truth.

Thank you for your kind words and your encouragement!
I just think who’d employ me after being out of a PM/FM/H&S job for 11 years? They want people with recent experience, and I don’t have that.
I wouldn’t have anywhere to live either, where we live now I couldn’t afford the rent alone, I couldn’t afford the rent anywhere with my £600 salary!
I need to find a way to upskill, to earn more money, and talk to a divorce lawyer to find out how things would be if I got divorced.

My sister just got divorced. I got divorced before but we had no kids. It was simple then. For my sister it was hard. If you think my DH is bad, hers is a thousand times worse. Everyone in the family thinks DH is brilliant!

He may well have a lot less interest in your daughter if he didn't have an audience in you to hurt.

I have both of those books just never read them. I’ll read them! Thank you!

you’re so right with what you’re saying! Arghh this is all so bad, I’m just so scared!

You say he had an abusive childhood which explains how he is. You say you've had an abusive childhood which explains your behaviour. So why do you think your child - who is in the middle of an abusive, toxic family unit - will escape unscathed and able to have healthy adult relationships in the future?

She seems to enjoy her father paying attention to her and him being nice to her.
This is fucking frightening. She knows the consequences if she doesn't appease him because she has already noticed how badly he treats you and she doesn't want the same. She appeases, he showers her with attention. Does that not send shivers down your spine too?

Contact Women's Aid, either phone or email, and they will tell you whether you are in a DA relationship or not. Hint: you are.

Why do you need to collect evidence?

This is calculated and deliberate behaviour. I have had one extremely abusive relationship and one moderately abusive. Things do not get better. Your husband appears to be abusive. Please get some support if you can but in order to have any kind of peaceful life you will need to get out of your marriage.

Oh I missed that. The only evidence you might need is financial information if you are in England or Wales as it's a no fault divorce now. Which country are you in?

You can get help from domestic abuse charities like Women's Aid or Right of Women. They will help you leave your abusive husband.

Your daughter loves her dad but I'm sure she will be picking up on the way he treats you and that isn't good for her.

There are lots of abusive men in the emergency services. They seem to attract a certain type of man. There have been many scandals about the abusive behaviour of policemen, firemen and ambulance workers towards their female colleagues.

You have been conditioned from childhood to accept abuse because you have never known anything different. Your life will be so much better without him.

Isn’t it just the same lack of communication both in ways? While it’s weird he took your car if you never share cars you were also expecting him to be free to mind DD while you were at the gym but you never told him your plan either. It sounds quite passive aggressive.

So don't add him to your car then?

You’re joking right?

Yes, it does, I don’t want her to be in this situation!

The only difference is that she has a mum who loves her and is always there for her. I had nobody.

I’ll contact them and see what they say. Thank you!

Exactly. I’m reading some posts here and wondering WTH???

I don’t know?? I thought I did??

The part about the insurance was added after the comment because people kept saying just take his, they didn’t just not read it properly

Thank you!
He’s not physically abusive, just these things he says and does.
I’m sorry you’ve been in abusive relationships! I really hope you’re ok and happy now! X

I’m in England

Thank you! I didn’t think firemen were like that too! He’s very good with how he talks to people and everyone thinks he’s lovely.

Only once an ambulance lady told me not to care about what he says, because I was having an asthma attack and he’s always very reluctant to call emergency services. He was visibly annoyed that I called the ambulance but I was really wheezing and my inhaler didn’t do the job.
She said, don’t listen to him, you call us any time you need, asthma can kill so we’d rather you call us for nothing than not call us when you need us!
He just laughed it off and denied that he had an issue with me calling the ambulance.

As little green dragon said, collect financial evidence, bank statements, savings accounts etc. Copy of your marriage certificate. Get hold of your ID, passport, put them somewhere he can’t get to them. Don’t tell him you’re doing this, do it when he’s out at work. You don’t need evidence of his behaviour as little green says, no fault divorce in England.

Yes this has been clarified multiple times already

Domestic abuse does not begin and end with violence and overt threats
Long term patterns of behaviour that you barely see creeping in until you realise you are living in fear of the consequences of not toeing the line is just as much abuse

My sister left her abusive husband over 10 years ago now. Her daughter was 3ish at the time and every single day since her life has been better. Her father is in her life, in many ways more in her life than when they were married. He has been a much better father when not being an abusive husband. She's a teenager now and a lovely rounded girl. Children need secure family lives and that can be in a marriage, in single parent situations, co-parenting and everything in the middle. In this marriage are you being the best you whilst are tiptoeing around trying to keep the peace. You might tell your daughter this isn't right but your actions are saying you should tolerate it anyway

What part of she isn’t insured to drive his car did you not understand.