Dh & Dd going out early every weekend

[Doanythingtostartalloveragain]

Recently, Dh & Dd have started going out on weekend mornings, to a cafe and playground usually. They are both earlier risers than me and i’m usually still in bed. Whilst I like the occasional quiet time alone at home, i’m finding i’m getting up every weekend alone, they then come back and Dd usually plays with kids on the road for the day, so we aren’t getting any family time together.
Dd says she doesn’t get to see Dh much as he works more, so likes to do things with him, which I understand, but it leaves me having done nothing most weekends and feeling a bit sad

This.

Stop being passive in your own life.

If you want to do things - make it happen!

It does sound like you’re being deliberately excluded. My dh would never do this to me

Clearly not because most women would either get up and go with them or stay home and enjoy the peace. Either way there’s no need for a drama.

Okay so as it gets to the end of the week why don’t you say “we’re going to the zoo tomorrow. We have to leave at 10am”? Then that gives them time to decide if they want a quick run around the park before hand.

They go to the park Saturday and Sunday. Why don’t you try getting up with them on one of the days and leaving them to themselves on the other?

I don’t see this as you being deliberately excluded to be honest. You sound like you’re being a bit difficult because you haven’t even tried anything.

But have a conversation the night before!

I feel like you are creating obstacles where thery don't need to be.

Dh thinks there is nothing planned for the weekend (cos there isnt) They are both up and fancy doing something, so they do. You know they are early risers, if you want to be involved in the morning outing, its in you to set an alarm and get up

Then when they get back, just say "hey dd and dh, lets go to so and so...so dd tell yoyr friends you arent available today"

I don't know why you are making so difficult?!

Your updates are making it feel like you want a lie in /lazy morning but they don't so you are being a martyr, complaining they go without you and sacking off the whole rest of the day

I've not read all the replies so sorry if repeating anything
You say they prefer it if it's just those two together. I think it's possible they've just got into the habit of you not being there.
I know you like to have a lie in but asca parent sometimes you do have to make sacrifices and if it is getting up earlier than you like to spend time at a park, fair enough.
Do they do this every single Saturday because we've had some crappy weather. Surely they don't go out when it's pouring down?

Also dont you and dh talk about plans for the weekend?
We used to say plan day trips out to the beach,( even in winter, they can still fly a kite, run on the sand etc) or go into the forests etc
Sometimes we would take friends out with us other times the boys would say ' sorry, im going out with my mum and dad so I can't play out. You're the parent, they don't have to do what they want all the time.

Do you think so?

Can they do it one morning & then get breakfast together for everyone the other?

Surely if you want to go out then they either wouldn't go or come back early enough to go out?

Same for playing out with the kids-sounds as if that only happens if she's not doing anything else?

Do you have any meals together or is there something you can do for an hour or so together in the evening?

Puzzles/lego/colouring/cards?

os there no other way to get around in your area OP? No public transport? Or a bike? Or walking distance.

no family or friends close by you could walk to? Or you get them to drop you off on the way do your activity and meet them to come back?

it seems like you aren’t solution focused.
there is a middle ground between Dh/Dd having quality time and you sitting looking at a wall every weekend

I kind of think this. Make the weekend plans before the weekend rolls round. “Let’s go out for lunch this Saturday so if you want to take Dd to the park be back by 11.30” “Shall we go to the zoo on Saturday, you can go to the park on Sunday”

Also she doesn’t have to be playing with friends every Saturday and Sunday afternoons. If you want to do something else family time takes priority. She can play with friends another day.

Oh dear. I think OP is going to ignore all the simple solutions suggested and just reply to selected posts.

Get up earlier, at least on one of the days.

How far away is the playground? If you don't want to get up earlier, then why not let them go for breakfast without you but arrange to meet them at the playground afterwards?

No. You’re lying in bed and they’re getting out. Everyone has told you just to get up. You’re being completely pathetic about this and a bit of a martyr. How are they spending 4 hours in a playground is another question? Have you even had a conversation with DH about it?

Her friends won’t be calling on her to play out all afternoon both days every single weekend. And if they are, you can say no. Make a plan for the afternoon, tell them to be back for 11 and get out.

You’ve had multiple solutions here but are completely defeatist.

Children are not for our entertainment.
I would have loved my ex husband being like yours when we were together.
I only have one memory of him taking our girl out alone, to collect a new car. 15 minutes later she was on the phone to me. Standing at the side of a dual carriageway crying, because he'd got into a road rage row.

Let them have their time together. As for playing out, your girl is learning so much more about independent thinking, socialising, relationships, sharing etc., than she ever could by being taken to a playground.

Have you ever asked your daughter on a Sunday afternoon maybe, if she'd like, just you and her to go out for some pancakes or something? Or is it you want the three of you together? Just maybe, your husband would like some me time alone on a Sunday.

Makes me nostalgic for what we never had.

You might equally say he's not 'doing this to her', she is choosing to opt out.

All that needs to happen is a chat on Friday night to make some plans between the three of you and off you go.

Just do a bit of forward planning.

No. It sounds like you're being ridiculously passive.

I disagree. It sounds as though DH and DD have decided that if they wait around for Mum to get up and get organised then the whole weekend will have disappeared. I am absolutely not one for leaping on the OP en masse, but I really think she needs a firm but fair kick up the bum here.

Get up and do something if you want to do something! I know that working weeks are long, but no one would be forcing you out of bed at 6, by the sounds of it. Getting up at 8/8.30 and out of the house by 9.30 is doable, if that's what everyone knows they are doing. If this is planned in advance and they still go off to the park together at 8, that's different.

Yes I’m thinking that.

If they both like to go alone without you every weekend morning then this is problem.

They should get time alone but it’s half the day every Saturday and Sunday, which seems a lot.

I think you need to tackle this head on and tell them you’ll be going with them tomorrow and you’ll be ready by 8 to leave.

And it’s of rude of your DH to commandeer the car like that, he should ask you if you need it.

OP, if I didn't arrange outings and activities for DS, none of them would happen at all. DH wouln't really think to do it and wouldn't know how to go about it in any case (DS has specail needs, and lot of effort needs to be made to find activities and organisations which suit him, he is 16 so I have had many years to refine these skills!). That's just the way it is, it's one of my roles in the family, and I do it very well. DS has many activities and he and I often also go to places of interest etc. Because of my work I don't get to spend a lot of time with him otherwise, And neither of us like sitting at home watching movies or playing board games etc. Being out and about is our thing.

DH does many many other things for the family which wouldn't get done if he didn't do them. But he doesn't like things like walks in beauty spots or zoos or the beach or going to lunch (he will always say that he could have made the food cheaper at home, and so complain that he is being 'ripped off", which is not really the point!).

If the division of both mental and physical "work" in the marriage feels uneven then you need to talk to him about it and make arrangements which feel right for you both (and DD). You may need to be more proactive in planning the family's life.

Do you not communicate any plans AHEAD of the day?

What’s stopping you being awake when they are?

Are you actually pissed off that your DH doesn’t think/bother to plan any family time? So it’s either you do nothing (unless you do it)or just him and DD? That’s a completely different conversation.

@Doanythingtostartalloveragain, I feel you really need to give a bit more detail about your living situation if you want useful advice.

You can’t go out because they take the car?

Okay … But you’ve said your daughter plays with local children later on - so you’re not living on a vast farm in the middle of miles of deserted countryside?

Perhaps you have an illness or condition that means you can’t get about without a car? In which case you must either negotiate car use with your husband, or find alternative, manageable transport - so you can leave the house under your own steam.

If it isn’t a physical incapacity that restricts you - perhaps you need to plan to move the household to a place with better public transport? I can see that finding it impossible to travel anywhere on your own must be frustrating. (Obviously millions of people do move about without a car - but I’m sure if that were possible for you, you would already be doing so?)

Can’t you get up and join them a bit later? I get that they like some time together but I also get that you are feeling left out. If you went along after an hour or so, they’d get time together and you’d get a lazier morning.