My sister is such a cow!!

[PIPERHELLO]

It’s a big milestone birthday for my mum (90), and I’m putting together a scrapbook of family photos, messages etc. Months ago I asked everyone to send brief messages / photos / memories for inclusion. Pretty much everyone has, except my eldest sister who tells me she ‘hasn’t got time’ and that it’s a gift from me, and she’s already got her gift sorted! 🤦‍♀️ Kind of not the point!!

Sadly, she has form here. She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.

What I want to do is send her a reply saying she’s sort of missing the point, and how hard can it be to send a few photos & a message. But - am I right in thinking there’s little point! She’s not stupid. She’s doing it to try & sink my idea, simple as that. (She won’t - I’ve got loads of other nice stuff to include!)

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??

I can’t comment, as I don’t know the OP and can only go on what I have read.

I’m with your sister. I couldn’t be bothered with all this art and crafts crap. It’s you that wants to do it so it’s up to you to include everything

This! Exactly!!

Calling someone ‘fucking selfish’ is NOT mildly miffed! Op is livid and sees her sister as being difficult without really pausing to consider why or to be respectful of someone else’s wishes.

This horrible reaction to the word no is really saying much more about op than her sister.

Perhaps the mother in this scenario would simply prefer her DDs just finally stopped bickering like five year olds, that would be the greatest gift I imagine, and learnt to get along.

Does your mother have any care needs? If so who does the bulk of it? As one of 4 siblings, I realise that these situations can lead to resentment between siblings, causing situations like this.

It sounds like she resents you taking the lead and would rather do her own thing. Perhaps she finds you overbearing or feels that she would rather focus on her own relationship with her mother rather than contributing to your gift?

She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to contribute. Let her do things in her own way.

I don’t think someone is necessarily selfish for not doing exactly what you want them to.

Oh my goodness, one of my sisters has form for electing herself to organise things like this and it's infuriating. When she does this, she makes everyone else's presents look meagre in comparison and she often accompanies it with a jolly good amount of arselicking and gushing.

It often appears rather condescending to the often elderly family member who is the recipient of the gift, although I'm sure this isn't her intention. I'm wondering if this is how your sister perceives this situation? Perhaps she has organised her own present and is silently rolling her eyes?

Think I said that in my post. Not sure why you bothered replying?

There is clearly a competitive dynamic going on here, and it’s not just from sister.

Whatever you say, those ‘collective’ gifts which are arranged and given by one person but require effort and energy from everyone are about the giver and it sounds like your sister is choosing not to engage with that. That’s her right and doesn’t make her a cow. Your tendency to harass people into your way of doing things (not just the presents, she tried to organise a holiday and you still tried to make that about you and your wishes) might be quite draining for her and she’s trying to disengage with it.

That’s a shame. We did exactly the same for MIL’s 90th and she loved it. I provided most of photos - some from the day itself, but several people provided other older photos.

it is just sibling rivalry

or as a friend misheard from her HV, civil rivalry

I feel like I’ve read an entirely different thread. Can’t think of one example of the OP being really angry. MN really is wild!

Agreed...the narcissism comment may be fairly true to the mark.

Also, many people don't have physical photos. If she could email you pictures and you print them would that work?

Well if you're right, so what? The gift would be better for her mum if her sister featured. If the sister is putting her resentment of OP ahead of doing a really quick and simple thing for her mums benefit, then she's still the worst of the two, even if OP is as you imagine her to be. Because OP if you're correct, is simply irritating. The sister is cutting off her mums nose to spite OPs face.

I think people defending the sister aren't taking into account how upsetting it can be for parents when their adult children are in conflict. The sisters pettiness is likely to play out with mum asking "why isn't Brenda in the book?" Then OP has to say she refused, leaving the mum thinking she couldn't be bothered, or that she did it due to issues with the OP. Neither is great for a 90 year old woman in her birthday who probably just wants peace from the squabbles of a lifetime.

This. I met my friend of 40 years on Friday. Whilst we were mooching she popped into a shop to get a birthday card for her father. Her comment was " It's difficult, because I just want a card that's okay and that says Happy Birthday Dad. So many of them say 'to a wonderful dad' and he just wasn't and I just can't say it, even in a stupid card". He left the family when she was 11 and the relationships with his 3 children never recovered . Were all in our 60s. I have a pleasant enough relationship with my mum but she can be utterly vile. If my brothers were making a book and I had to write something loving in it I would find that incredibly hard. "Love from Angelina' is all that goes in birthday cards.

This. Some of us can organise joint gifts without wanting the "credit". Op is just trying to do a nice thing for her mum. A memory book of family, friends and places, events she's been to. Better than bed socks she probably can't reach to put on.

Well, tbh you are calling your sister:
Cow, multiple times
Fucking selfish, again, multiple times
Bitch-nasty, not needed!
Jelous-really?
You keep saying your sister doesen't like you but can't help but wonder if is not the other way around. She didn't want to contribute as she said she doesn't have time, should have said ok thank you and get on with it, not coming on Mumsnet and calling her all kind of names. She sorted her own present, she doesen't feel the need to contribute. This is perfectly valid, no is a full sentence. It doesn't warrant name calling. About the sewing project...fuck me I would pass on that as well. You don't come across well, sorry, but because of the name calling I would listen her side of the story as well before agreeing with you!

Not really. OP us trying to do a nice thing for their Mum, giving the opportunity for her sister to participate, and her sister doesn’t want to. Those are the definitive facts of the matter, and if the gift reflects that… their mum can view it however she views it, whether that’s “one of my DDs couldn’t be bothered” or “She got me a nice gift; it’s okay if she didn’t have time to participate.”

Her mum will have a present from the sister and presumably a card with a message, so she will know she is being thought of. The sister doesn’t also need to take part in the present organised by the OP to show thought and care.

But you are badgering her, you've asked 4 times, and she's said no.

Exactly!

I will leave this thread feeling very sorry for the sister. What an awful situation, and imagine not being keen or not having the time to look for photos for OP’s book and getting this hysterical overreaction?! I think op has some issues, nothing to do with her sister.