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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sister is such a cow!!

266 replies

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 22:19

It’s a big milestone birthday for my mum (90), and I’m putting together a scrapbook of family photos, messages etc. Months ago I asked everyone to send brief messages / photos / memories for inclusion. Pretty much everyone has, except my eldest sister who tells me she ‘hasn’t got time’ and that it’s a gift from me, and she’s already got her gift sorted! 🤦‍♀️ Kind of not the point!!

Sadly, she has form here. She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.

What I want to do is send her a reply saying she’s sort of missing the point, and how hard can it be to send a few photos & a message. But - am I right in thinking there’s little point! She’s not stupid. She’s doing it to try & sink my idea, simple as that. (She won’t - I’ve got loads of other nice stuff to include!)

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??

OP posts:
fiveIsNewOne · 01/06/2025 03:26

Does she "do photos" in general?

I wouldn't have anything to send.
I just don't take photos of people in general, including not taking photos of myself and my partner.

If someone in family tried to push it and babbled about "just five minutes" and "ruining their idea", I would think they are the cow in the room.

Babycakes39 · 01/06/2025 03:43

I have two sisters and I would have definitely suggested the idea as a joint gift and doing it together.

Wilfrida1 · 01/06/2025 04:37

Your sister hasn’t made something similar as a gift, has she?

Okthenguys · 01/06/2025 05:09

Did you ask all the siblings if they wanted to do this before you decided to? I ask because as PP have pointed out, there could be many reasons your DS doesn’t want to participate. You remind me a lot of one of my DS - we all love our parents, no backstory or anything but she always assumes we want to celebrate them or contribute to stuff for them without consulting. And she often wants to do things that reflect her budget, tastes, and relationship with them which are different from the other siblings. She is your mother's daughter too - let her celebrate her in a way that she’s happy with. And agree - you seem to be centering yourself here. You’ve decided it’s a great gift. You’ve assumed the only reason she would decline is because she is threatened or jealous of you. Let her do her own gift and crack on with yours, it’s not that deep.

TakingHavenInTescoExpress · 01/06/2025 05:31

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 23:24

She will frequently ignore my wishes in family situations, will pretend to not hear my request or comment for something (such as a suggestion in a conversation about a family day out or meet up). So for example she might call me and we’ll have a conversation about a family holiday she is organising, and I will explain that location a would be great but location b is trickier. And she will say ‘understood, let’s go for a’ and then in a group chat with family she’ll completely overlook that conversation ever happened and go with location b. Just one example but I’m trying to be specific!!

I’ve previously organised a sewing project (a sewn ‘picture’ that I made for our dad) and it took a huge amount of effort to get her to send me something for that - she had a year’s notice!).

Show quote history

Why are you going on holiday with your sister when you clearly do not like each other?

Flashahah · 01/06/2025 05:41

Ilikeadrink14 · 31/05/2025 23:36

You are missing the point here. The book was meant to have snippets and contributions from family and, maybe, friends. If the OP didn’t ask (ask, NOT badger) others for their contributions, there would be no book.
if the sister doesn’t want to join in, that’s her choice, I think she is being mean. If she wanted to give her own present, that’s fine, but refusing to have anything to do with the book is weird. The OP says they all get on well, so I find the sister’s refusal strange. She could contribute to the book but give her own, personal gift as well. What would be wrong with that?
Looking on the bright side, the Birthday Girl will get two gifts instead of just one! Sounds good to me!

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I think four requests is badgering…

Flashahah · 01/06/2025 05:43

Flashahah · 01/06/2025 05:41

I think four requests is badgering…

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They all get on well, the thread title is my sister is a cow….. 🤔

ClearHoldBuild · 01/06/2025 06:06

You’ve asked her, she’s declined giving her reasons, move on.

CompetentAdults · 01/06/2025 06:13

MsTTT · 31/05/2025 23:05

Based on your posts here, I think your sister sees you as quite narcissistic. You seem very confident that, of all the gifts your mum will receive, yours will be her favourite. You also view any feelings contrary to an interpretation of you as confident or outgoing as jealousy.

Your sister has said she doesn’t have time to take part in helping you with your gift. She’s entitled to do that. You’re creating a memory book, not a court summons.

I’m guessing you have a history of badgering people to do things to make you look good.

What an unpleasant comment. The way people post on MN amazes me. Why would the OP have form for badgering people to make herself look good?? Narcissistic? What’s wrong with some people.

Anyway OP. Your sister is jealous of you and wants to sabotage the gift. It would take seconds for her to email a short message. Your mum will miss a comment from your sister and that’s sad but there is nothing you can do. It’s a lovely idea and I am sure your mum will adore it. What a shame your sister is making this a competition.

CompetentAdults · 01/06/2025 06:16

HiRen · 31/05/2025 23:31

I’m afraid I’d do, and have done the same as your sister. I HATE jolly hockey sticks joint projects. I HATE enforced togetherness. I HATE someone co-opting me into their project. I HATE being told what to do. And more than all those, I hate being guilted for all the things I hate.

If you were my sibling and suggested this, I’d tell you that I have my own present in mind and to please proceed without me (and also that I don’t want to hear a word about me “spoiling” your present - should have asked me first before unilaterally deciding on an idea that required input I don’t want to give). The only thing I fault your sister for is not being upfront about her intentions.

Goodness. What a reaction. This is just a scrapbook for a mum. What’s a ‘jolly hockey sticks joint project‘?

MN is where fun and joy are sucked out of the most ordinary things!

CompetentAdults · 01/06/2025 06:20

PIPERHELLO · 01/06/2025 00:01

Thanks x
Yes, some of the comments are wild!!

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There are people on MN who really just look for the worst in everything. I often wonder if they are as miserable in real life.

Flyswats · 01/06/2025 06:25

I have a sibling who won't be told to do anything, on principle. And even if asked nicely, usually says "No" if they don't fancy it.

It's definitely a sibling dynamic. They don't have to impress you or keep you sweet because you'll always be their sister / brother.

ClearHoldBuild · 01/06/2025 06:30

PIPERHELLO · 01/06/2025 00:18

Yes, I’ve found a few nice photos of her to include so I think I’m just going to try & make her opt-out as un-noticeable as possible.

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You’re not actually listening to your sister. She doesn’t want to participate in your gift, she has her own for your mother. With respect I’m sure your mother is aware of the kind of relationship you have with your sister. You don’t have to make anything unnoticeable, your sister can explain if the question is asked, you don’t need to say anything other than she arranged her own gift.

BeautifulCoastalSunset · 01/06/2025 06:39

What a shame your sister is making this a competition.

Lol. It sounds like it is OP that is making it into a competition talking about her present being the most meaningful and making up a whole to drama in her head about her sister being jealous. Her sister has simply said she has sorted her own present without any drama.

TranceNation · 01/06/2025 06:46

I wouldn't waste your breath with her. It'll only ruin your day with your mum. You tried and she rejected. Can't do much more.

Fairyliz · 01/06/2025 06:55

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 22:50

Neither…she gets on fine with mum, but hates my guts! I think she’s always had issues with the fact that I’ve been more confident and outgoing than her, and this is how it manifests…sadly.

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Or possibly she sees it as you showing off again and making it a competition?
Look at me, I am the wonderful daughter who has sorted out the special present that mummy will love the best.

prelovedusername · 01/06/2025 06:55

MsTTT · 31/05/2025 23:05

Based on your posts here, I think your sister sees you as quite narcissistic. You seem very confident that, of all the gifts your mum will receive, yours will be her favourite. You also view any feelings contrary to an interpretation of you as confident or outgoing as jealousy.

Your sister has said she doesn’t have time to take part in helping you with your gift. She’s entitled to do that. You’re creating a memory book, not a court summons.

I’m guessing you have a history of badgering people to do things to make you look good.

This was my reaction too, based on my own relationship with my sister. I wasn’t jealous of her, I just didn’t allow her to manipulate and control me as she would have liked.

As others have said, this isn’t a gift from you, but you are framing it as such.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/06/2025 06:59

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 23:24

She will frequently ignore my wishes in family situations, will pretend to not hear my request or comment for something (such as a suggestion in a conversation about a family day out or meet up). So for example she might call me and we’ll have a conversation about a family holiday she is organising, and I will explain that location a would be great but location b is trickier. And she will say ‘understood, let’s go for a’ and then in a group chat with family she’ll completely overlook that conversation ever happened and go with location b. Just one example but I’m trying to be specific!!

I’ve previously organised a sewing project (a sewn ‘picture’ that I made for our dad) and it took a huge amount of effort to get her to send me something for that - she had a year’s notice!).

Show quote history

What would your sister have done if you had not contacted her to request photos and a message and had just left her out of this gift? Would she have been happy because she doesn't like this sort of thing and had planned her own gift, or would she take massive offence at being excluded? Does she enjoy you asking so that she can say no or would she prefer not to be asked?

TENSsion · 01/06/2025 07:02

NeymeChenge · 01/06/2025 01:03

I’d just leave a blank space where you were expecting your sister to contribute and if your mum asks about it, just explain that she didn’t participate. Let that sort itself out on its own.

And this would prove beyond any doubt that the photo book is more about OP than her mum.

MaryBeardsShoes · 01/06/2025 07:02

To be honest, your posts here make it sound like you’re a bit of a pain on the arse who has absolutely no ability to honestly reflect on their own behaviour. Bet your sister has had enough of being belittled by you.

prelovedusername · 01/06/2025 07:07

CompetentAdults · 01/06/2025 06:13

What an unpleasant comment. The way people post on MN amazes me. Why would the OP have form for badgering people to make herself look good?? Narcissistic? What’s wrong with some people.

Anyway OP. Your sister is jealous of you and wants to sabotage the gift. It would take seconds for her to email a short message. Your mum will miss a comment from your sister and that’s sad but there is nothing you can do. It’s a lovely idea and I am sure your mum will adore it. What a shame your sister is making this a competition.

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What nonsense. The OP’s sister has said she has her own gift, quite possibly an equally thoughtful one.

It isn’t a big deal but the OP is making it one because she isn’t getting her own way.

TakingHavenInTescoExpress · 01/06/2025 07:08

Making arrangements for other adults to do things is contra-indicated, unless you happen to be their line manager.

AnotherNaCha · 01/06/2025 07:08

That you love the idea of including an awful pic of her and a few other comments makes it seem you are competitive with your sister and this is more about getting the best gift rather than a nice gesture to your mum. Think your sister’s form probably comes from a history of that

Feetinthegrass · 01/06/2025 07:13

The rivalry is ridiculous at your age op! Grow up and start being respectful.

If she doesn’t want to to do it for whatever reason, that is up to her. Maybe she DOES have much bigger things to worry about, that she hasn’t yet shared with the family.

Your fury and rage that she won’t give in to your demands sound brattish. Don’t inflict yourself and your own demands on others, be mindful of their choices and life will get a lot easier. She doesn’t have to take instructions from you.

beAsensible1 · 01/06/2025 07:14

MsTTT · 31/05/2025 22:25

It’s not really a gift from you if it involves effort from other people.

Given your mother’s age, I’m guessing you and your sister are likely in or around your 60s and too old for petty squabbles and oneupmanship?

This