To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

I wouldn't dream of asking a new acquaintance such a personal question. If people want you to know, they will volunteer the information.

But how would you know they were a grandparent? Because surely giving your own reaction and thinking it’s rude to ask, the people your age would also act like you and not ask other people if they are grandparents? How big is your workplace? I certainly don’t know who even has kids at my place, never mind grandchildren.

So because I had dd when I was 26 I’m not ambitious? wtf? I was features editor at a newspaper by then and had been married for 4 years. My 3dc are amazing and loved and my career matters to me - both can be the case. I also completed a masters level pgdip last year (age 42) at a Russell Group university to further my career. Just because things don’t match your strict, unimaginative timeline doesn’t mean people aren’t ambitious. You speak like women who have dc in their 20s just sit home claiming benefits - I don’t know anyone who did this in my friendship group.

I’m replying because the preconceived notions you base judgements on are very inaccurate so maybe this will widened your views.

Having dc young means I’m spending my 40s having a great social life and hanging with teenagers and/or my friends, going on holidays, last minute trips etc. it’s great 😊

This is true. You did not say anything about class. It was the other PPs. It's just the way it is on here, OP. Before lockdown there was a German woman who posted to have advice on how to look upper middle class. Oh, the bun fight that ensued!

As @BlossomToes said, they ask all women this. I had an x-ray a few months ago and they asked if I could be pregnant, I am in my late 50s! (And like everyone else, I look my age.)

Also, there's that 'in my middle class social circle' comment again. 🙄 The snobbery on this thread is off the scale.

It is not nuts to be asked if you have grandchildren when you're in your 50s.

As I said earlier though, some people are convinced that they look 15 years younger than they do. Especially on Mumsnet.

So the reason people are offended, is because even though they are old enough to be a grandmother (and are the average age of a grandmother - according to Government statistics, around 49-50,) in their head they think they look like they're in their early 30s. Everyone else is seeing someone who looks their age though. (As everyone does - within 3-4 years.)

So even though someone of around say 49-51 thinks they look 33, everyone else is seeing someone who is around 50. No-one thinks you look 33.

People aren't asking people who are actually in their 20s and 30s if they have grandchildren are they?

Totally agree

and also why do you have to be particularly ambitious anyway. It doesn’t mean you are brain dead if you aren’t

I’m mc but couldn’t wait to be a dm in my 20s and both my dds have had babies in their 20s

love being a dgm

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway Yeah, I don't think I look 33 but ok. Regardless, as you say, lots of people are a little insecure about their looks/age, so going around asking if they've got grandchildren is a bit rude/insensitive, isn't it?

That's not the case at all. I'm in my late 50's and absolutely know I look it, no way do I delude myself that I look 15 years younger!

I'd still be upset if someone asked me if I was a grandmother because it's just not the norm at all where I live! Not sure why people find it so hard to understand general demographics.

So you would be upset because you would feel they were assuming you were from a different social class? Why would that be so terrible? Is one class intrinsically better than another?

No no no that's not what I'm saying! I'd think they thought I look older than I was!

Its more because you're a bit snobby then yes? Thinking having kids young is somehow something to be offended about if its thought about you? Gotcha!

Why would you think that? Late 50s is easily old enough to have grandchildren. My mum was 56.

Oh my god, this thread is one big gotcha. You're either vain and ridiculous and think you look 25, or a crashing snob. And it's perfectly normal to go around asking people over the age of 40 (as far as you can tell) if they are grandparents. Everyone does it to make small talk and the only people who could possibly object are arseholes who fall into one of the categories above.

It couldn't possibly be something more nuanced about being a grandparent being quite a significant life stage and it being a bit of a jolt to hear someone for the first time apply it to you. No, you're a butthurt haggard old snob and that's all there is to it!

But you've just said you think you look late 50s? That's hardly 2x teen mum territory is it?

(Although to be honest I know some amazing women who were teenage mums, so I don't see the shame there either)

But its absolutely ridiculous to be so offended at something which is so possible.

I think some of the posters on this thread are proving that when you're in a hole, you need to stop digging. 😬

I'm totally with you OP, Christ it makes me wish I'd never bothered to join in the chat sometimes.

I went to school with a girl who had her daughter at 14, she was a granny at 30! Her grandchild is now 14. Imagine if her grandchild has a child soon she'll be a great granny before she's 50 😭

But no op I think you are over thinking this situation sounds like she was just making small talk unless she has form for snide comments?

But you’re 49, so nearly 50. At 50 you can look young or really old and yes you can be a grandparent, this thread proves it. I suggest you move on as you’re probably going to get more comments like this as you age.

Yes, I'm sure I will get more such comments in the future. Over the years I have often found mumsnet very helpful in terms of putting such moments into perspective and helping me see things from a different angle. This thread not so much as it's all been 'oh, but my grandmother was 36 when she became a grandmother, ' or people helpfully pointing out you can be a grandmother at 49. And then there were all the class comments....

Agree, I'm just seeing a lot of posters with massive chips on their shoulders tbh

The class comments were provoked by the raging snobs who belittled younger parents. “Rough estate” “Only the gardener”, “No ambition”, etc.

I didn't say 'only' the gardener, I said a gardener in the village, see how you've twisted it...

What’s the difference?

I have no chip on my shoulders. I have no room for any chips there. I just hate the judgments received on here about people who haven't been to uni and dared have kids in their 20s still seeing themselves as pretty 'accomplished'