To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

Massive, saying 'only' implies the snobbery to which you imply, saying a gardener is just presenting a fact.

In your opinion. You said

Never met anyone who was a grandma at 49 apart from a gardener in the village. Her daughter who isn't yet 30 has 4 DC from 3 different fathers , make of that what you will ...

It’s hardly a neutral statement of fact, is it? Raging snobbery and judgement.

I love how they're trying to frame that as not judgemental/snobby 🙈🤣 Jesus christ.

This was your way of "just presenting a fact? "

Definitely depends on your demographic.
Never met anyone who was a grandma at 49 apart from a gardener in the village. Her daughter who isn't yet 30 has 4 DC from 3 different fathers , make of that what you will ...

Love that you care so much that you've all gone looking for quotes, jeez. Fact remains that I didn't say 'only' which was the point I was making

Never met … apart from or Only - look pretty similar to me.

Yeah. Not saying only made that statement so much better.

Never met anyone who was a grandma at 49 apart from a gardener in the village. Her daughter who isn't yet 30 has 4 DC from 3 different fathers , make of that what you will
Well, that statement is dripping in disdain for the Gardener and his Daughter.
At least have the balls to own it.
We all know what you mean, make of that what you will. 😉

thats really unusual in my circles.

People tend to become parents in their 30s and grandparents in their 60s.

so if its not the norm in OP’s workplace, which she says its not, I can see why she would be offended.

Someone asked if I was pregnant the other day.
ive gained a bit of weight and also been ttc for 2 years but im not pregnant. So it was a sore point.
i laughed it off then went home for a cry!

Well said Blossom. 👏

Yep this. ^ As I said, someone need to take the shovel off these posters. (When you're in a hole etc...) 😬

Why offended? Because it implies she looks 60?
Or because it implies someone assumed she might have become a grandparent at a marginally younger age?

Well yeah, so someone in their early to mid 50s is offended that someone thinks they could be a grandparent, because no-one usually becomes a grandparent until maybe 5-6 years later usually!

Make it make sense!

.

Also, can noone remember being younger? When I was in my twenties and early thirties I would have struggled to distinguish between late 40s and late 50s/early 60s. People (even the ones who felt "youthful") just looked generically middle aged to me. That's not an insult, because I don't see aging as a negative. It's a privilege to grow old.

I find it harder and harder to gauge people’s ages as I get older. If I get it right within a decade I’m winning these days.

I am 37 and childless and my sister is 41 and childless. I would never ask this as it’s rude - I would only ask someone if I saw pics of kids around their house / on their phone or if I knew they were in their late 70s or 80s and up. At 49 most people I know are parents of primary school children. I have one person in my life who has a child starting secondary school - she is the only person I know who could be a grandmother at 49 and her daughter would have kids at a young age. All my friends had their kids in their late 30s. I think it’s highly unusual at your age regardless of what some people are saying on here. You are not being unreasonable, it’s rude and you should be offended.

Exactly
In fact I don't think it's ever easy.
I work with someone and I assumed she was nearing retirement and then she mentioned something which made me realise she had just turned 50. I expect she actually doesn't look at all old for her age I am just not that good at judging (and also she is very stylish but definitely dresses in a way that makes her as an older generation - stilettos etc for work).

But @Iggilypiggily you could 'offend' someone in their 70s or 80s too by asking them if they have grandchildren. What if they don't and they really want them? What if they never had chldren? Why do you think it's OK to ask someone in their 70s if they have grandchildren, but not someone in their 50s? If you're worried about offending people, then why ask ANYone anything? Tell ya what, let's all just not speak to anyone or ask anyone anything, lest we offend! 🙄

Also, re; your comment about how most people you know aged 49 have primary school age children, if I saw a woman of around 50 walking a child to primary school, I would assume she was the grandmother. Most people would. Genuinely.

.

It also doesn’t matter if it is possible to have grandkids at that age, it’s still rude. People asking me when I’m going to have children is also rude. People asking my mum why I don’t have children is rude. People should just mind their own. If you’re not mentioning grandkids then clearly you either don’t have a relationship with them or you just don’t have them. People will share the information they want you to know. If they haven’t shared it, they either don’t want you to know or there is nothing to share. If you what to make conversation, ask them what their hobbies or are what they are doing at the weekend or if they have any holidays planned or if they have any good shows they can recommend at the minute. Making conversation should be surface level and let it get deeper and more personal once the person invites that by sharing. I think that’s just being polite.

It’s called making conversation, I’ve got friends a similar age to you who are grandparents and others have nursery aged kids !

I'm 51 and would not be happy to be asked if I am a grandma!!! No one I know at my age is a grandmother. Perhaps we move in different circles. I'm with you, OP I would feel offended.

@Iggilypiggily

both my dc had graduated university by the time I was 49! I’m free most my friends have adult children and we are all early 50’s. Having dc so late is more unusual outside London

Why offended?

This thread is a cesspool of negativity. It’s statistically unusual to be a grandmother at 49 but that doesn’t matter. She was clearly suggesting that you look old. It was a completely unnecessary comment. There’s no need to ever ask a person about children or grandchildren as it will clearly be a sensitive topic for many people. I would not appreciate the question being asked at any age.

For those sticking the boot into older mothers, please gain some sensitivity. There are often reasons such as financial, a lack of suitable partner, career stability or medical. It’s not selfish and acting gleeful about later fertility problems is utterly heartless. Finding a life partner younger and marrying is luck. It’s not a person who tried harder.