To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

It is

It tells me that you're wrong.

Yeah they become grandparents in their 80s or are already dead at that point.

It so happens that I'm from a working-class background. (Mineworking and being 'in service'.)

My parents were ambitious for me and I should certainly imagine that that was the case for my contemporaries at uni. So far as I'm aware, my friendship group there - in the late '70s and early '80s consisted mainly of middle-class students (many of whom had been privately educated). I recall being surprised at the dearth of working-class students.

Most of the girls that I knew at uni married and had families in their 20s.

I disagree.

You made it about class markers being of a certain age before having children.
Not @MiracleCures
At 49, it is possible to have a grandchild. You're assuming that she meant you were old, youthful skin doesn't hide age, you're still 49 with good skin.
As a wc person, I found @MiracleCures quotes refreshing.
Restored my faith, not all degree educated ladies are judgemental with a superiority complex.

I actually didn't call her haggard, I said she was butt hurt because her colleague thought it 😅

Nothing to do with her having a different opinion, more that she was hellbent on being offended.

I 100% don't call my children haggard 🤣

I was asked that when I got my hysteroscopy last year at the age of 64 and the doctor had my records in front of him. As you suggest, it's a standard question for women.

I burst out laughing and told him I'd be selling my story to the tabloids if I were. He told me he wanted 10 per cent...

You were asked at 64 if you still get your period?

Well the King is 75….

No. (Ironically, I was being investigated for post-menopausal bleeding.) I was specifically asked whether there was any chance that I might be pregnant.

Obviously, the gynae knew that it was a ridiculous question - but it seems that they're required to ask. (I suppose that there's an outside chance that a woman of my age might be using someone else's embryo, but even so...)

3 yrs earlier, I was asked the same when I got my flu and Covid jabs.

if we’re being technical then colleague could also have grandchildren - flip it on its head and ask her about hers!

Contrary to some posters, I don’t think it’s common at all to be a grandparent in your late 40s. Possible yes, but not common. Many of the women I know in their mid/late 40s still have DC in primary school.

OP I do think it was a bit rude of your colleague but I wouldn’t worry about it. She probably wasn’t really thinking, I’ve done this before when making small talk (not this exact thing but asking stupid questions because I wasn’t concentrating!) It doesn’t mean you look older than you are, don’t get a complex!

Lol I got asked to give a urine sample to test for pregnancy while I was still in hospital after having a hysterectomy. Beyond ridiculous. Obviously people just don't think

I think the “could you be pregnant?” question is something they have to ask every female patient post puberty and they usually know it’s completely ridiculous when someone is clearly past childbearing age.

Ah. I work for NHS, clinical role and yes we do have to ask but it’s normally for “age bearing women” horrible phrase I know. Common sense does not often prevail even more so if it was for post menopausal bleeding 🙄 but yes we have to tick it off our records and not assume.

Yes, it is. Clinical worker here, bloody ridiculous but it’s for documentation incase anyone was and something happened. But at 64 🙄

After they performed a hysterectomy the previous day?

Yes, it’s what they do. The question is on the list so they ask it. I’m resigned to it being asked for the rest of my life.

This is what I don’t understand.

That and the complete disdain for anyone who isn’t a “professional”. Who cuts their hair? Provides their childcare? Serves them at the supermarket (if they brave going in person that is)?! Installs their new bathroom? Packs and delivers their online orders? They’re all people we need so why are only people with degrees and professional ambitions worthy of any respect? As a professional with degrees I cannot understand this mentality at all.

Of course none of this has anything to do with the actual OP but what a strange lot of responses about the kind of unambitious undesirables who have children in their twenties and can’t possibly be respectable professionals.

Yup. It’s a generic system (the one my trust uses) which isn’t specific to each every individual procedure or the patient.

Your maths are a bit off there, she’s early 30’s with kids in nursery !
I was late 20’s having mine and they’ll be more like 21 by 49 not late 20’s which is a big difference! Where are you getting that from ?
Also by the colleagues assumption as a woman in her early 30’s she could also be a grandparent in her late 30’s if she maybe has older dcs..

Also people who say “oh have I touched a nerve?” are generally arseholes in RL but wouldn’t dream about behaving in RL the way they do here.

Agree. But that’s the middle class snobbery mindset. I suspect a lot of them making such comments are “aspiring middle class” and probably post what makes you middle class on MN to get some ideas of how to act or what to buy. Would be interesting to know what education they have, in terms of degree and “professional” job… doubt they’d have to balls to comment.

I absolutely did not make it about class at all- it was numerous pps who did that. I did say no one else in our workplace of my age is a GP but that wasn't meant as a reference to class but to point out that in our shared frame of reference there are not grandparents of my age. It was everyone else on the thread who made it all about class

💯 or “do you have any kids at uni yourself?”