To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

Yes, fine, enjoy your bubble. Just try and employ a little grit if someone pops it with perfectly reasonable questions.

Hmm, ONS or AI... 🤔

49 is the ONS, 2010. The figure of 63 is also the ons 2017. Amazingly it didn't rocket that far in those years. It's two different methods of collation and the latter excludes grandchildren who live with grandparents.

I don't think it's at all unusual to be a grandparent at 49.

Of course it isn’t . Heavens above !

So, an average age of 30 does not mean that it is unusual to have mums in their 20s. That's not how averages work in these statistics which are calculating the standard average. You could theoretically have an average of age 30 without one single mum actually being 30 when she had her first child.

There are in fact quite a lot of women having kids in their mid to late 30s, so if the average age is 30 that suggests there are also quite a lot having them in their 20s.

Yeah I think a lot on this thread are happy you're not in their bubble too

There are some really really nasty comments on here. I was 18 when I had my daughter (middle class family that really supported me) and she was 21 when she had hers. Not ideal but here we are. She’s just had her second at 27, married, own their own place and I have a very very good senior management role in an industry many would kill to get in to.
I’ve never been asked if I’m a granny but I’ll shout it from the roof tops as I’m so proud of me and my daughter and love those two little children as much as I love her.
Don’t judge people.

To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

Goodness! Everything is offensive these days. No one cares about the intention or context. You can't talk to people now for fear of saying/asking the wrong thing. That's why online has become the go to for interaction. It's safer, ironically.

No smaller than anyone else's and considerably larger than a lot of people's experience I would say. It's certainly not common in the social sphere I generally move in, is what I'm saying, and it would be a question which may cause offence.

Let's look at the stats. 20% of women in their late 40s in the UK don't have children at all. The most common age for women born in the mid 1970s to have children is 31. So most commonly, a woman aged 49 will have a 19 year old, as I do, and likely (by statistics not opinion) young adult offspring who aren't thinking about having kids yet.

So statistically speaking a lot don't have children at all, a lot have younger children (there has been an increase in the proportion of births at age 45+) and yes, there will be some who had kids younger and will be grandparents.

However, as quite a number won't be anywhere near being grandparents yet and many will never be grandparents, it's best not to ask the question.

Or, you could ask the question and they could answer without all the bellyaching, the analysis of skin quality or outrage that they have been mis-classed 😂

it not.

@InsomniacSloth

As I said, statistically it is far, far more likely that a woman seen with a small child who is in their 40s is the mother than the grandmother. Being a grandmother in your 40s in the UK is a rarity these days

Can you post the proof of these 'statistics' please? You seem very certain that your opinions are fact. Evidence please.

Of course it is! You're basically dismissing someone else's lived experience.

Yes definitely

i think the expensive housing isn’t helping this generation

my dd was the youngest at her NCT group and was 25, rest were in their 30s

But the implication is that you or your daughter might lack a degree so it's incredibly offensive.

I wouldn't be overly judging as you never know you might become a DGM before your time.
Unless all MC teenagers, young adults refrain from sex before marriage or are taking bullet proof contraception.
I assume that it is the latter.

What’s offensive about not having a degree? Jesus, MN gets more bonkers by the day.

On mumsnet you haven't lived unless you have a degree, a wasted life, probably thick too, in an unskilled job.

Very narrow minded view of society.
Pathetic really.

Ouch, that question really is a brutal reminder that you're not in your first flush of youth, isn't it? I do hate it when it becomes apparent to me that someone sees me as old (or even just old enough for grandkids), mostly because I don't think of myself that way.

One of the insensitivities of young people is that they don't yet realise that even at age 80 if we are in good health, we don't feel old in our heads. Bastards.

Unless you have another reason to think she was being snide, I think you should chalk this one up to insensitivity rather than rudeness and comfort yourself with the fact that she will be in her late forties herself one day, facing just such a moment.

Meanwhile, you can comfort yourself with a glass of wine and the fact that you have survived the chaos of young children and are on the cusp of launching your own kids out into the world (no doubt to traumatise some perfectly reasonably aged woman in their turn)😆

None of those are remotely comparable to asking if you have grandchildren though.

You could reasonably have children in their early-mid 20s who might have had a baby in the last couple of years?

I know a few people in their very early 40s who have a grandchild. I wouldn't say it's the norm but if your kids are over 16 then they could potentially have had their own kid?

She clearly didn't mean it rudely. Maybe she has them herself and wanted to compare notes?

Some of the most amazing people I know don't have degrees.

Why? What kind of people do you think you would find outside that bubble? What a baffling statement.

Wtf I don't have a degree do you think your better them me due to that?