To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

It's 63 according to the ONS.

It is rude. Maybe she was just making conversation but I would have said “No! My kids havent even left home yet!” Or something to that effect to let her know it was offensive.

What is your source? That’s ancient data.

I'm another who was married, a homeowner, had done post grad studying, travelling and had a good job by 27yo, at which point it seemed like a good idea for us to start a family. And then we took them travelling with us.

My eldest is doing his A-levels - I don't think I'll be a grandmother for some time yet but I don't think it's a mark of a life well spent to drag your feet into motherhood.

My work colleagues were extremely shocked when I told them I was eligible for a Covid vaccine after it opened up to 39-year-olds! 😂

I don’t like being asked but it’s absolutely nothing to do with age, I’m 55 so could easily be a GP. My DC are in their 30s and neither want DC of their own, which I’m 100% fine with. But there’s an implication now that they should have had DC (or at least want them) and that I must be sad they haven’t had them, that something has gone “wrong” in their lives. I then feel I have to “justify” their decisions.

Usually when I say “no” to the question, I’ll get something back like “oh there’s still time”. Just accept the no! I’m not sitting here yearning for GC.

Ok so travel then Why does it have to be in your 20s. I've been doing loads of travel in the last 8 years and I'm 53. Spend roughly 3 months a year abroad. Had mortgage paid off and kids grown. Appreciate it far more than many in their 20s who travel to sit on internet for all day and drink all night. Friend of mine sold her business and travels permanently ( she's Nan with a backpack on yotube)

I'm surprised anyone has kids if it's considered your life is basically over when you have them

I think this was absolutely rude of her to ask, I am a couple years younger than you and I would be horrified if someone asked me this. It would feel like quite a watershed moment. I would never ask this unless someone was looking about 70. Even then I probably wouldn’t in case it was a difficult subject for them. There is plenty of other things to small talk about.

op you will just have to think she must have weird boundaries in conversation . I do remember when I was 22 and had recently graduated. Someone asked me “how long ago did you graduate? If that isn’t too rude a thing to ask” and when I said “actually just last year “ she looked shocked and said “oh , I’m sorry I thought you were a bit older than that”. I was like wtf? It was so strange as she was only a couple years younger than me and was implying she assumed I was 40 or something. It really knocked my confidence. But I also have had many people think I look young for my age too , so not really sure what happened there

And 49 according to AI. The ONS figure doesn’t include grandparents living in the same household.

But surely you understand having a child at 47 isn't the norm

It's a staggering difference. I wonder what proportion of people have children while living with their parents and if that proportion has risen in line with house inflation?

I had my two at 23 and 24 so by 49, my eldest will be 25 which doesn’t feel too young to be having children.

Shes 22 now with a good job, a nice home and a loving partner - the same as I was at her age when we decided to try for a baby.

I don’t see 49 as being super young to have a baby if I’m honest and I do know a few people who are.

It's really not common at all

Your world must be so small, how do you not know a variety of people who have had children at different ages? Literally hundreds of women have posted on this thread saying how common/normal it is.

I'm 49 and if someone asked if I had grandchildren I would be offended too!!! I do have my head deeply in the sand about turning 50 soon, so maybe I am just not ready to be considered old enough for that!! I used to get told I looked 10 years younger, that seems to have tailed off recently 😳

I have a couple of friends who became a grandparent in her 30s but in my world most 40-somethings have school age children. YANBU op. I am 46 and if someone asked me if I was a granny I’d think they were really weird! Your colleague has crap social skills. If they were stuck for something to say they should’ve asked how old your kids were, how they were doing, blah blah blah.

I genuinely can't believe how narrow some people's lives are. How have they not met a range of women having babies at different ages?

My friends all range from 25 to 52 ( I'm 33 ) and their children range from 0 to 33. Some of us had babies in our 20's, others had babies in their 30's

I'm that age, and if dd had had her first same age as I was I'd have been a grandmother by now.

Although I suppose what you're thinking is that I tend to more get people saying I don't look old enough to have a 24yo dd. So it's perhaps more people saying you look your age, rather than the actual grandchildren. Personally I think I do look at least my age, so maybe people are just being polite. 🤣
Never thought of that. I'll ask the next person who says that. 🤣

It’s quite normal to have grandchildren in your 40s, I know plenty who have including my mum.

There is such a range isn't there... Most of my 40something friends have kids in school... Often quite young kids...

But equally several parents of kids I was at school with were grannies before 40.

The youngest granny I worked with was 29🙄😱

I was a grandmother at 50, 25 years ago today.

I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t anticipate anyone in my circle being a grandmother till at least seventy.

Just say no 🤷‍♀️

But, what about the beautiful skin? Where's the outrage?

That’s ridiculous. I have friends from every walk of life but none of them include forty something grandparents. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on much to be honest. They’re just not part of my circle and I don’t see many of them around. I grew up in the US it was the same in my neighbourhood.

Very happy to be in a bubble if that is the case.