To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

"Jesus Christ Koalafan, you look awful" Are you sick? Maybe time to buy yourself a coffin ahhahaha. And who did your hair like that?" - just making a conversation here!

💯
Not in my circle. It is cringe.
When realistically their way isn't perfect or averages around most the world.
The illusion and stigma leads to disappointment and missed opportunities.

No one in my circle had kids before they were 30, that's much more normal these days. People are often in their 60s when they become grandparents.

I agree with you OP . Being asked if you’re pregnant when you’re overweight or if you’re a grandmother (which we’ve been conditioned to associate with being ‘ old ‘ and ‘unattractive’ ) are questions that anyone thoughtful understands can make someone reevaluate how other people see them and be really jarring and are therefore avoided by tactful people .
It’s a massive shame that the joyous thing of becoming a grandmother has such horrible stereotypical baggage attached to it .

Most of the women in my family became grandmothers in their 40’s.

There is a whole pile of subtext in these replies… kinda stealth lifestyle bragging.

‘My parents didn’t become grandparents until their 60’s ‘ rough translation ; I’m middle class and although my grandma might of had my mother at 25 in the 1960s when it was socially acceptable- in fact completely normal to be a mother and life long housewife in those days - I am a university graduate career woman who wouldn’t consider breeding until at least 35..

“My parents were in their 70s when they became grandparents.” Rough translation; I am upper class/socio-economic group A . My granny was an academic/career woman at a time when that was unusual, as was my mother , as am I. We are a typical family of wealthy high fliers for generations.

‘I don’t know anyone who is a grandmother in their 40s/50s ‘. Rough translation ; I don’t associate with the working class/socio-economic group C 1-3.

Travel and fun don't stop with children either though. It's mind boggling to me that people think starting a family is the end of fun.

I've travelled all over with my children and had heaps of fun with them.
And some of my best memories as a child are surfing and skiing with my parents.

I also find it curious because implicit in these kind of responses is the idea that people are gambling with their fertility (and the health of their children) purely because (in their socially aspirational heads) it's simply not the MC thing to have babies before 30. Which is mind boggling really.
I expect people who have been securely middle class for generations/people who aren't social climbers, care less and just get on with having babies when they feel ready (financially and emotionally etc).

I certainly had plenty of friends who were solidly middle class like me who had babies before 30.

And equally some of the best and most amazing people I know come from all different walks of life and it shouldn't be a seen as a negative or terrible thing to not be a MC professional. In fact it's very bizarre that all these people saying you "have to" use your 20s for "travel and personal growth" are in fact displaying very narrow minded and geographically, culturally, biologically and historically unusual ideas about when the "right time" to have a baby is.

My mother had her children very young. She wanted to. She had a place at university and turned it down. She wanted to be a mum - simple as that. And she was a very good mum. When we started school she got her qualifications then. She is now retired and travelling the world. No regrets at all. There is nothing wrong with having kids young if you want them young and have the means to support yourself. People always go on about travel - well some folks value other things more and that’s fine.

‘Grandparent age’ is different in different social circles. Maybe 49 is grandparent age for you, but it certainly isn’t for me or for many other women in this country. In the circles I move in, most people become grandparents in their late 60s or early 70s, sometimes even 80s. So asking someone in their late 40s if they were a grandparent would definitely be taken as an insult - it suggests they look far older than their age.

I think as the average age of becoming a first time mother has increased to 29/30, it's more unusual than not.

I was pretty much in the middle of my friendship group having DC and when I'm 49, my DC will be 16 and 14, which is pretty average.

I don't think it's quite the same as asking someone if they're pregnant, and I probably won't be offended, but I think I will find it pretty amusing and wonder if the person is quite sane if they ask me if I have GC in seven years time! (Also don't currently look like I'm in my 40s).

Do you only ever "move in" a very narrow social circle? How dull. I have friends from every walk of life.

She isn’t that young with children in nursery if she’s in her 30’s according to her barometer though, you should definitely ask if she has older kids starting uni too as she could easily in her early 30’s as this thread has shown . She could just have a big age gap 🤷‍♀️

For all those saying it's somehow a stealth brag to not know anyone who became a GC in their 40s... That might be so, but it's also quite common considering the average age now to have a first child is 29 and has been increasing steadily for the past few years.

Totally agree, but it's a different kind of fun. I wouldn't have taken the risks I did or travel to some of the places I have if I was with DC. Great that you have had lots of fun travelling with your DC, I'm hoping to do that soon too.

But people aren't putting off having children because it's the "middle-class thing to do"...

It's because they want to be settled in life with careers, marriage and houses, which all takes time. It's incredibly difficult to do any of that after having DC. And tbh, society would be in a much better position if more people did wait for those things to be in place!

My 20s were coming to terms with my disability and realising if I didn't have kids I wouldn't have kids.

I'm 35 and have a career where I am earning over average for the area. Own home. Dp is the same with his own business to boot. All while trying to live my life as normally as I can with a debilitating disease.

Travel has always and will always be at the bottom of my list of wants and needs.

I was 21 and 23 when I had my boys. Making my mum a GP at 48.

But many people want to do this kind of stuff without the encumbrance of children in the mix. Neither is wrong.

Why on earth would it be a 'stealth brag' to say you don't know anyone who had kids in their 20s or whatever? It's just stating a fact, surely, and if people are somehow offended by it I feel they are projecting and have insecurities because that is such a bland statement to be offended by.

Fwiw, as I've said, the vast majority of people I know were 30 or thereabouts when they started their families. I can think of two people who had dc in their 20s in my wider circle. One had 3 kids by the age of 28. She has a career job she's doing pretty well in but struggles massively for money due to nursery costs and her partner being totally useless. Hopefully it'll work out well for her and things will get easier when they're not in school but it's not how I would want my dd to spend her 20s - it looks massively stressful from the outside. The second one had a baby with a man she has been with for less than a year and has since cut off from all her friends and her life seems to have shrunk. She's moved to his area and gone part-time in her job, which is a career job. She might of course be really happy but I know people are worried about her.

But neither of these anecdotes tells us anything about the original question I asked or anything useful really about the best age to have children. People should have them when they are ready and for most people these days, that's not their 20s.

The average age of becoming a grandparent in the UK is 49, according to government stats. If you are surrounded by people with infant school children at 49 and you think 49 is an outlandish age to be a grandparent, then you are in a bubble.

I had all those things by 27, and had done heaps of travelling. I appreciate that might not be the case for someone in their twenties now, but I am in my early 40s now and it was perfectly possible if people wanted it.

I also have lots of friends who have bought their first home/climbed the career ladder after having children

I'm quite happy to agree that neither is wrong. Each to their own. But if people are delaying starting a family purely because "noone in my social circle" would have a baby yet (even though they are otherwise ready and want to) then that is a really sad reason to gamble with fertility

If your work colleague is early 30s with a reception-aged child - say she’s 33 with a 4-year-old.
By the time she’s your age, her child will be 20 - does she expect to become a granny when her child is 20?

I had twins at 47 and no one has asked if I’m their granny yet!
My mum was early 40s having me, and once when she was about 50 and helping at a fair in my primary school, someone asked her “oh, do you have grandchildren attending this school too?” She still remembers it over 40 years later!

If you have them young you do those things after they grow up.

Lots of people on this thread are convinced they ‘don’t look their age ‘ . To ourselves we generally don’t . People can be fit and attractive at any age but we are very good at knowing what age a person is as there are so many ‘tells ‘ which we subconsciously read .