To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

An unspoken assumption in OP's complaint is that looking "old" is "bad". Looking older than you are is especially bad (ugly even, is that the word meant?). Which is why OP seems insulted that she was perceived as looking 'old'.

If you don't perceive looking old as "bad thing" then there is no offence to be taken if being asked if you have grandchildren. Although I could take offence in OP's repeated assumptions that looking old is bad and undesirable...

get over it . I’ve never heard such nonsense. You are upset because someone has made you feel old .

Really no aspirations? How do you figure that out. Many people are qualified in whatever, married, have their baby and far more energy and inclination to be back at work making progress.

Niece of mine was in junior management position at work. Married at 22, baby at 23. 5 months off work. Since then 2 promotions and a professional qualification done. Not 30 just had second baby. ( Same husband)

Erm, it's common for mothers to be older these days and have kids in their late 30s and early 40s. So I'm so confused why people think 49 isn't unusual for a grandmother! My youngest will be 9 when I'm that age so yes, I'd be furious! It's rude and weird.

Its rather sad actually

Why are people trying to normalise having kids so late in life when fertility is lower and complications are higher. No wonder the level of disability in this country is so high. It's completely normal and healthier to have children in your 20s

Older than 25 is not really "so late in life" - people always had kids well into their 30s.

Well that's me told. How charming.

It's pretty clear that I'm put out that someone has made me feel old, yes. That's what my post was about because I feel that's a rude thing to do. Unfortunately, most people have ignored that and just posted anecdata about the ages they and people they know became parents/grandparents, but never mind. If I saw someone I perceived to be in their 20s with a child I wouldn't ask whose it was / were they the nanny, despite being a parent at that age being unusual in my area/ circle. That would be similarly rude imo.

@lljkk I know what you mean and I don't mean to imply looking old in itself is a bad thing. I am happy to look my age but don't want to believe I look 10 years older, which is what the question implied to me.

I don't really get why everyone associates aspirations with work/ career. It's very telling. I'm talking about life experience, such as travel etc I also don't get why people are normalising having kids under 25 when it really isn't a thing now in most circles. Understand in some areas and demographics it might still be. I'd be upset if my kids had kids under 25 before they really got to enjoy their life without the responsibilities that come with settling down and having children. Your 20s are for having fun not tying yourself down. Fully appreciate that for some the goal is getting married and having children, nothing wrong with that if that's what you want.

I’m 49. None of my friends are grandparents!

Yes, she is quite a bit younger than me - probably early 30s and her dc are in nursery/infants.

Well, there you go. By the time she gets to 49, her kids may well be old enough to make her a grandmother. Probably that is what was informing her thinking.

It is rude to ask you if you are a grandmother! I'd be depressed too if someone asks me that if I don't look very old. Totally get you OP. Although I doubt the person meant it as an insult and was just making conversation.

Most people are really, really terrible at guessing ages. She almost certainly just sees you as a generation older than her, ergo she has kids, you have grandkids. It's not about her thinking you were 55 rather than 49. If she has young kids, she was probably trying to find a topic in common, or maybe she wanted advice?

I work with students in their early twenties and I'm pretty sure they lump me (late 30s, two young DC) in with my colleagues who are early 50s with teenagers. We're all just middle aged.

It's really not common at all.

I had DDs at 29 and 33- DDs are 19 and 16, I'm 49 now and most of their friends' parents are a few years older than me if anything. None of us would be impressed to be asked if we had grandkids. I also know lots of parents with small children in their 40s.

It's certainly not something I'd ask of someone in their 40s or 50s. Not even anyone older unless I was already pretty sure they did have grandkids and would like to be asked about them.

@BusMumsHolidaymakes a really good point!

OP, the state of this thread (absolutely fuming, ten pages of people getting their feelings hurt, only a handful of posts even really addressing the OP) can at least reassure you that you’re right that it’s a bad conversation starter for a workplace even if most people won’t admit it.

This is 100% a regional thing it has to be because I feel like im from a different planet reading this thread. Where i live its completely normal to be a grandparent by late 40s. One of my friends is a grandparent in her 30s admittedly that's not so normal. But in my area if you saw a 45 year old with a baby it would be more likely to be their grandchild rather then their child

This is 100% a regional thing it has to be because I feel like im from a different planet reading this thread

It definitely is - I do too but from the other direction! Round here a 45 year old with a child (including a baby) it would 100% assumed she was the mother.

@Liesmorelies if she has tiny children in her early 30’s now she’ll also be in in her 40’s with relatively young children , preteens even , maybe mention that to her as she’s obviously trying to make a little dig!
I rarely come across people in their early 20’s having children , in fact my neices and nephews are all this age and they would think it bizarre if someone asked this!!! Nothing could be further from their minds.
And I actually had children in my late 20’s and all 3 before 32 so not an old parent at all but also not v young .
I mean biologically it’s probably better to have dcs before 25 but I really believe your 20’s should be about enjoying yourself and I know pp have mentioned “you can still travel and enjoy yourself with children “, we’ve travelled loads with ours but it’s a totally different experience to only have yourself to look after and there’s far more flexibility and carefreeness alone obviously!!!!
Also we had/have absolutely zero help or support ever so once we had our 3 we were v v v busy as expected so no opportunities etc to have much downtime or nights away etc. I also think it’s completely different travelling as a young , full of energy, carefree 20-something to a late 40’s/50’s person , completely different even if you have money 🤷‍♀️ It’s like asking someone in their late teens do they have any kids (they easily could) but obviously I’d assume no so I wouldn’t ask… @Liesmorelies you should ask your coworker does she have any kids moved out or in uni , she could have older kids as she’s in her 30’s🤷‍♀️

@feelingbleh tbf in many other countries having children way younger is normal and the western world people are having children much older and probably too old really.
But on mumsnet it’s so common to have contrary answers in general, I notice that every time someone posts something, the first answer will contract usually to the extreme. Also the level of aggression from some of the answers is weird….
I know loads of parents with young kids in their late 40’s (again I had my dcs in my late 20’s , very early 30’s) and I wouldn’t dream of asking them if they are grandparents also 😂

@BusMumsHoliday Yes, good point. I suppose she does just see me as someone much older than her (which I am, of course!) and just assumed I was at a completely different life stage, which I also am. She's dealing with nursery drop-offs etc and I'm facing ds going to uni in the autumn. She was clumsy then. If she wanted to make conversation there was a lot more to ask about older dc than catapulting me straight to grandparenthood!

Very common to ask a woman in her late 40s if she’s a grandmother.

Erm, no it isn't.
Where I live it would be rather unusual to be a grandparent at that age.

I would never ask someone if they had grandchildren, no matter how old I thought they were.

In my social circle, no one has had kids before their mid to late thirties, and thus people in their late forties are parents of tweens and early teens, certainly not grandparents.
Peri menopause and tween relationships are explosive.
Mid 40's peri with a 5/6 year old children, tbe tiredness and hormone changes your children miss out.
You're also losing a generation over time, DGP first grandchild at 70, steals the experience from the grandparent.
I understand everyone on MN parents live until 90 while playing tennis every Saturday.
In reality it is rare.
I was 29 when DD was born, she is 16. I'm the youngest DM from her friends parents at school, they're in their 50's with 16 year old, its a MC school, what surprised me too, that most of the parents are separated or divorced.
50's unruly teenager. Argh.

That is probably true but the issue with this thread for me is the attitude to non-professional women without degrees having their babies in their twenties. Acting like these women are part of an underclass so undesirable it would be horrifically insulting that someone at work could confuse you for one of them.

I can’t believe this has to be said but women who have babies in their twenties or without having a degree or professional career are just normal people outside the MN bubble.

And I say that as a professional woman with multiple degrees who had my first baby in my thirties.

And I actually had children in my late 20’s and all 3 before 32 so not an old parent at all but also not v young
By mumsnet standards. You were practically a teen mom, 3 before 32. 😅