To think someone's sexual predilections reflects on their broader character?

[MonTuesWeds]

Just that really. I feel like I came of age in a time when we were encouraged to believe that someone's 'intimate preferences' were just that, and that they were completely isolated from that persons wider self and personality. I just don't think that's true though. I suppose I'm wondering two things here, firstly if IABU I'm thinking this now but secondly - am I the only one who has felt the pressure not to judge someone on what 'they're into' providing it was always fully consensual.

But consent makes a huge difference!

Hitting someone in a scene where they have control and can stop it and then cuddling afterwards as aftercare is not the same as battering your partner because they forgot the milk and they are shielding themselves from you and begging you to stop and then going "I only do it because I love you"

One can find the first exciting and still be appalled by the second.

If you can't see why consent makes a difference then it's a you problem

I'm not prohibiting anyone from doing anything. But it seems like you don't think I'm entitled to have my own opinions about what they do. I've seen David Lynch films. I know you walk among us.

There is a difference. It just don't think it's as big a difference as the people engaged in these activities would like.

And what are your own opinions on what they do ? What’s your view on “kinks”? Are they all transgressions and immoral or are some ok?

This seems to me to be a good example. People whose jobs and sex lives are built on inequality; people who spend their lives in a world dictated by hierarchy are people who do not seem balanced and healthy to me.

So there some acts between consenting adults that you do think are wrong?

I'll admit to having a very vanilla sex life but I think There are kinks and kinks. Generally speaking practicing your kink with a consenting partner, in private, is none of anyone's business and really doesn't say anything about you. If you and your partner practice ethical monogamy, fair play to you. If you're into swinging and sex parties or role play that's entirely up to you. If a "kink" involves using prostitutes, for example, then you demonstrate that you're happy to pay to use someone else's body and that does speak of your general character (in my opinion)

If your kink involves dishonesty, then yes I do think that speaks of your general character.

On the other hand I suspect that many people have fantasies and kinks they never explore because they're just not brave enough so you could say that practicing your kink does speak of your character but in a positive way - it is brave and courageous to explore that side of yourself

People who think of themselves as balanced and healthy often seem to be the least self-aware. Gotta wonder what they're hiding from themselves.

Of course I do. I don't think it's good for those involved to be doing anything scatological, or simulating historical racial disparities or all manner of activities. If adults wanted to consent to acting out what that man from the LostProphets did - I would think they were wrong to be doing so. And I'm fascinated by those who argue otherwise

Lol, if you are referring to me- I never said I was balanced or healthy-

I don't think it's good for the people involved. It doesn't contribute to their flourishing. But they are free to do it.

I don’t think she’s on about positions, more people that want to have their sexual partner role play a defenceless baby. Come on now.

How can you conflate consenting adults with what the Lost Prophets guy did? Either they're consenting adults and it's all an act or they're doing what he did and there's a non-consenting non-adult involved. To mix the two things is just falsely stacking your argument to make the former seem akin to the latter in the most extreme and pretty sick way. But consenting adults acting out is simply that and no one else is getting hurt or even aware of what they're doing with each other.

Am I wrong?

I don't believe this is true- if you could accurately predict personality traits from sexual interests e.g. so and so enjoys being degraded so their personality must be xyz; then the opposite would also be true e.g. so and so has personality xyz so there's a reasonable chance they enjoy being sexually degraded.

I've seen no evidence that supports this and I don't think I could predict this for friends, colleagues etc. Then again, I don't have a prurient interest in other people's sex lives.

I also don't like the heavy dose of victim blaming inherent in this belief, or it's implications for safeguarding- so if a women complains her bf chokes her, the answer is she shouldn't have dated a dickhead, as his intentions would have been clear from his personality? And of course that guy can take the kids on a day out with no checks, he's got such a charming personality, definitely not a wrong 'un.

OP, are you writing a thesis and looking for contributions?

I'm not conflating the two and it is really frustrating that some people can't understand what I'm saying and think I've said something I clearly haven't. I was trying to avoid being too graphic because this is a dreadful subject matter. But for the avoidance of doubt - if two consenting adults wanted to simulate the rape of an infant with one being the offender and the other the infant and they are getting enjoyment from this activity - I think that's deplorable. Maybe you deliberately chose to misunderstand me because when put so plainly it does make your position look very questionable.

And sometimes things just aren’t that deep with something underlying !
I had a FWB one time & I love role play , game was , car broke down outside his house , so I knock on his door for help, he comes out , invites me in, we start to chat , before you know it we are having a few drinks, but then when I go to leave , he won’t leave me & we played rape …
It was hot & we both really enjoyed..
Everyone has a sexual side to them
Nothing sinister underneath it all , just two regular people who liked to have fun 🤷🏻‍♀️😊

Watching porn is also a different thing

And not all porn is made for men

Anti-sex feminism is so tiresome. Also enraging when a false link is drawn between consensual non-vanilla sexual predilections and non-consensual sexual assault.

Yes OP, the only acceptable sex drive is vanilla and preferably for procreation purposes only. Famously no women ever have any other sort of sexual desire.

FWIW I have met many more men who wanted to be dominated than to degrade women, and know of many more women (including myself) who want to be in the dominant role. There's an inherent power dynamic to sex; some people are turned on by leaning into it, some by subverting it. It doesn't reflect on their broader character - though your judgy and reductive take certainly reflects on yours.

I actually posted before I saw the OP bring the Lostprophets guy into it. Good lord.

This could be an interesting conversation topic but I fear the OP started this with an agenda (probably religious, that there is a “right” way to do sex and everything else is immoral)

i dont think we’ll get the open and interesting conversation we could have had…

I think that a lot of who we are, what we are ‘naturally’ into or drawn to is very much moulded by pornographic content, which seeps into all parts of society and media (including family films). I find it scary that many women (myself included) are (secretly or otherwise) turned on by things that can hurt or damage them, that soft, slow and loving sex feels ‘boring’ because we have seen and been exposed to/ experienced more ‘hard core’ sex. I think that the brain is malleable and the concept of pleasure and pain changes. So it might become ‘natural’ or something you can’t help/ have always felt, but that doesn’t mean you would have always had said ‘kink’ if your situation/ life/ society had been different. I don’t think anyone should take offence by people questioning sex, ethics etc. even if it is with consenting adults. Ethics is more than consent (eg it could be morally acceptable but unethical). Because as a society we are producing (and rewarding) more and more Bonnie Blues and I just don’t think that’s a ‘good’ thing (personally).

In the context of responding to someone asking me if anything consenting adults can do would be wrong. Good lord indeed.

How about I shuffle off and you can lead that conversation without my interference?