To think someone's sexual predilections reflects on their broader character?

[MonTuesWeds]

Just that really. I feel like I came of age in a time when we were encouraged to believe that someone's 'intimate preferences' were just that, and that they were completely isolated from that persons wider self and personality. I just don't think that's true though. I suppose I'm wondering two things here, firstly if IABU I'm thinking this now but secondly - am I the only one who has felt the pressure not to judge someone on what 'they're into' providing it was always fully consensual.

I disagree with this, it's not reflective of my personal experience and is a simplistic way of reading the development of someone's sexuality, which is complex and not really understood by science yet. Most people with kinks couldn't tell you how they formed them but it's certainly not as straightforward as "I hate women deep down so I want to degrade them in the bedroom".

Similarly it's very common for women to want to be dominated sexually, this doesn't mean they are complete doormats in other areas of life, it's just not that straightforward.

But there is a psychology behind it. Some seem to believe they simply appear in a vacuum

I agree with you, OP, particularly if the guy is into hurting women, choking women or underage people.

There is a psychology.

Maybe more people with kinks would be more willing to talk about it if people didn't start talking about 'trangressions' and peados and rapists in the same breath as the question.

I like to hit and (sometimes) be hit. My friends know all about my reasonings/psychology behind it because I talk about it a lot. They're also not assuming that I'm some kind of psycho because of it, and that IRL I'm just a normal person.

But I don't think a normal person wants to hit people. I don't think normal people will have an orgasm when they've hurt someone.

I think it’s an interesting question about where kinks/ preferences come from.

There’s a massive difference between someone who likes their partners feet and someone who commits criminal offences. The law reflects that.

I actually do think some kinks are strictly bedroom with consenting adults only. Others perhaps do bleed into real life in a negative way. Surely this is based on the character of the individuals involved?

I think my issue is that a good person would not indulge fantasies that involve degrading or hurting women. They would invest in trying to develop better expressions of sexuality. Rather than lean into it and the inevitable ratchet effect

It’s about consent, though. Getting off on hurting someone who gets pleasure from being hurt is very different from getting off on hurting someone who hates it and wants it to stop.

I was once told by a psychologist that we are all. All capable of torture. Interesting.

Ive never thought of this before but it's an interesting discussion. I think that it would depend on the fetish/kink, for example a shoe or foot i don't think would really say anything about them as a person day-to-day, but if you're into degradation of yourself or a partner during sex then it probably does tell you something about them as a person and how they value themselves or others.

But often it involves a pretense of hating it and wanting it to stop. It's a simulation of that scenario

I don't hit people who don't want to be hit. I hit people who want to be hit and have asked me to hit them.
At a very basic level, hitting can release endorphins, which feel nice. When someone feels nice, they make excited faces and noises. Those excited faces and noises are pleasing, and maybe arousing. It's not always that deep.

This response is problematic. Calling someone “not normal” for liking something you don’t isn’t adding to the debate, and isn’t fair.

It's different in that the person has a level of self - control and boundaries which is important but it still tells you that they enjoy and actually get turned on by physically hurting someone else, even if the other person consents.

Inevitable ratchet effect?

so someone fantasising will inevitably progress to acting out and then doing something bad/harmful? That’s not correct at all

We don't know where kinks come from

I'll tell you a story.

The first time I experience "excitement" from a kink was watching a FAMILY film where a character gets whipped (it was Will Turner in Dead Man's Chest). It caused a reaction in me I didn't understand until much later because at the time I wasn't familiar with the kink world. Nothing "influenced" me beyond the fact I found it exciting.

I don't and have never gone around whipping people for fun however...

Being into underage people isn't a kink...

What if someone gets off on being hurt or subjugated which seems to be a thing.

So, no, I don't think it follows someone out of the bedroom unless it's in a very abstract fashion.

Who are you to decide what is "normal"?

Are you saying boxers and martial artists and stunt people are not normal because they hit people, or pretend to?

And yes. I am a normal person. I live in a 'naice' area, in a nice house, with a nice job. I'm an upstanding member of society and if you met me you'd probably think I'm pleasant enough. I'm not mean or cruel to anyone IRL. I walk among you. But then I'm also a woman. Are women allowed to have kinks or is it just men with them we don't like? Because actually my husband is a normal person too. Promise.

if you're into degradation of yourself or a partner during sex then it probably does tell you something about them as a person and how they value themselves or others.

That is such overly simplistic reasoning I don't know where to start, except to say that whatever you think it tells you is likely to be very wide of the mark.

It's interesting to pick up you only speak about hurting WOMEN

When a well-known kink subset is women who hurt men...

Almost like you have an agenda

@MonTuesWeds I can't see where anyone has said that kinks appear in a vacuum. Of course they are a part of who you are. As I said, though, the answers you're looking for are incredibly complex.

Yes we are. The line between good and evil runs through every heart. I thought this was a mundane truism?

Are you trying to tell me that women en masse are watching porn where men are hurt? Because I don't believe that. That porn is made for men.