To think someone's sexual predilections reflects on their broader character?

[MonTuesWeds]

Just that really. I feel like I came of age in a time when we were encouraged to believe that someone's 'intimate preferences' were just that, and that they were completely isolated from that persons wider self and personality. I just don't think that's true though. I suppose I'm wondering two things here, firstly if IABU I'm thinking this now but secondly - am I the only one who has felt the pressure not to judge someone on what 'they're into' providing it was always fully consensual.

Okay, so take a woman who enjoys putting her partners penis in her mouth, likes missionary sex with no extras, and doesn't ever insist on orgasming herself. (I insist every time, I'm just dreaming up a 'standard' sex life - sorry if I got it wrong. Not in to boring sex myself)

What assumptions can we make about this woman and how does it reflect on her character? Could you give me a run down of your sex life and tell me what it says about you?

They don't dictate every facet of your personality, but they do of course contribute to who you are more widely. Every single thing you do /think/feel is a part of you are, including what turns you on sexually, what you do with an intimate partner, what you read/watch/search for on the internet. It's all a part of who you are.

The idea that sexual kinks exist in a seperate bubble and are no reflection of/have no impact on who you are is laughable.

I have.

Rape fantasies are women having a specific fantasy I think

And acting on them should involve a partner you are comfortable with, have set boundaries with, have a safe word/safe action to stop it at any point and involve lots of discussion before and after care afterwards. Even then it can still be hard to sleep with someone for a bit afterwards

Condemning fantasies and kinks is actually harmful to women. "Well if you want these things then he probably misunderstood" for example if said partner didn't stop during the "rape scene" when you safe worded out or if they then tried to do it again without your consent.

Yet you're seeking validation of your theory on MN, when you've had access to empirical research 👍

No I don't know because I don't know you. How OP, do I have a wholesome and healthy sex life which doesn't 'transgress'? Can you tell me what sexual activities are acceptable, and which are not? Is sticking your foot in someone's mouth gross, but touching their bumhole okay? Where exactly do we draw the line, please?

There are so many prudish judgey people on this thread. OP you have knowingly started a goady thread. I judge you for that. There are a wide range of sexual preference out there and they are all part of our character however if it doesn’t affect you what’s the problem? Shame culture in sex is a big problem. Hurting people is a different matter. Grow up and know the difference.

Age play is creepy

Surely our sexual preferences are part of our broader character, as are all other aspects of self. It’s not as simplistic as “this kink means that trait” but it’s all part of a person’s character. As is preferred food, hobbies, sense of humour etc

So do you put a moral judgement/failing on kinks?

I think that we need to look at it in the context of the days of putting homosexuals in the same category as murders and pedophiles. While the Nuns, who carried out pure wickedness, were seen as saints, partly because they wasn't sexually active.

Understanding the psychology behind a person's kinks is hugely complex. Unless you've studied this area, you're not going to find many relevant answers on here.

There was a morality to character, as opposed personality, though.

Open question for the thread

does a woman having a rape fantasy (or acting it out) say anything about her personality?

does a man having a similar fantasy and/or being prepared to act it out say anything about his?

I guess my broad view is that fantasies are private and say nothing about you as a person (maybe. I’m unsure about extreme or violent ones). Acting out a kink of some kind might, depending on what it is. Maybe my view is “I don’t know”…

I'm not sure I've got the psychology skills to analyse your fictional woman I'm afraid.

I probably could give you a run down of my sexual preferences and what they say about me, but I won't. I don't think it's necessary for the conversation and I just don't really want to discuss my predilections with a (quite aggressive) stranger on the internet.

What do you think it says about your character that you're the only one on the thread who's referenced 'moral superiority' a number of times and also the only who has asked both the OP and now me to describe our sex lives to you? I think that's probably a far more interesting question that what I like in bed tbh!

OP i find use of the word “transgression” interesting. It implies you believe there are some moral rules when it comes to sex…

Creepy but not illegal.

But that's the thing

OP is making out kinks define you as a person

Which they don't

They are just a part of you

They aren't YOU

It may not be for you, it doesn't make it creepy

Are you talking with a particular person in mind OP? An ex that liked weird shit in bed and turned out to be horrible all round? I'm not sure where you're going with this?

It depends on what it is. Look at Tate. He's all about being degrading and violent to women sexually and that's the kind of person he is.

A good therapist/psychologist could likely break down someone's sexual kinks in relation to their overall personality.

This is coming across now as some quasi religious BS of shame

You’re talking crap , it’s like pp said , if you like to play Dom/Sub , does that mean whoever likes to play dom in the bedroom has a controlling personality outside of the bedroom ( no it doesn’t ! ) or the submissive in real life, is meek & needs to be constantly guided in life ?? as in has that type of personality .. Also no ..
People have kinks, & enjoy certain things sexually that has no reflection on their personality ….

Completely agree with this.

I agree, they don't define you in isolation. People are extremely complicated, no-one is only their kink, but everyone's kink is a part of them.

For example, I don't think that every man who watches rape porn or acts out rape fantasies with a consenting partner will go on to become a rapist. But if you look at the internet history/past behaviour of a rapist you will almost certainly find rape porn/rape play in there. Enjoying a woman saying 'no' while you penetrate her doesn't dictate that you become a rapist, but it's certainly a red flag for future behaviour.

OPs sex life and her views on sex are entirely relevant to the thread. See, the OP has stated that those of us who do have some kinks/fetishes are 'transgressing', which implies a moral boundary. I'm just really trying to understand where that boundary is. I for instance don't participate in some sexual activities as I think for me personally they are degrading. I do some things which would make your eyes water. I just want to understand exactly where I'm going wrong. If I took my foot out of my partner's mouth, and instead swallowed his ejaculate, would that be okay? How do I stop transgressing?

I find it really interesting that OP would come on here and cast her judgement far and wide about other people's sex lives, without being willing to discuss her own.