Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

Her cats were deux chiens? Genetic engineering has gorn too far. Defund the sciences now now now.

If you were saying it solely for the purpose of other people hearing (doesn't sound like you were) then yes. Otherwise I guess people should maybe worry about their own interactions with their children and not be so unkind whilst they're at it 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you were speaking quietly to your dd, no.

if you were talking loudly to ensure everyone around you could see what an amazing parent you are, yes.

Def sounds like square-root guy was amused, though!

As does your response 😏

It sounds like you are overdoing it. She is only 4. You could have given a much simpler answer regarding chess. The prompting question about what else lives in Australia is just teaching her to regurgitate facts rather performatively.

You over-explained and though it is interesting to ask about other animals in Australia and where it is - where is it, not sure of the latitude but in the vicinity of NZ and also places like Borneo, will that do? - it is a bit OTT. She just asked what chess was (a game where you try to defeat and capture the enemy, a war game in effect) so you didn't need to ask about playing it (and do you not have a chess set?) nor tell her the moves. Pawns move in 3 ways btw, at the beginning of any game any pawn can move forward either two spaces or one, thereafter only one space; if taking another piece it moves forward diagnonally i.e. if you are on the square to the left or right of a pawn and one place forward you are at risk. That's also OTT. Sorry.

Also why does she need to be "learning" those sorts of facts? She's only four.

Regurgitating facts is a good idea, though. Rehearsal, retrieval and repetition fix the information in long term memory.

Have you considered that some people are just...loud? Naturally?

You sound judgemental and smug.

4 year olds can learn chess. It’s just moving pieces on a board.

Basic chess, without the strategy, is little different from many other board games. At that age, as with all games, you play at their level and let them win sometimes to build their confidence.

You don’t have to finish it in one go. You can leave the board up and come back to a game later. You can buy little travel sets, which are great to take on holiday or anywhere they may need to sit still and feel bored.

Like all games (cards, draughts, football) you learn the basics first and the strategy comes later. Chess is becoming v popular again because you can play online and lots of outdoor spaces have chess boards.

I know all sorts that I have no memory of learning. It's just there, in my head.

Why does it hurt for her to know these things?

and do you not have a chess set?

We don't. We don't play and we have a small house, so unnecessary things are limited because of storage. I think lots of people probably don't own a chess set...

Iit's not what you were doing that was the issue but the fact that everybody could hear you.

I think what I’m learning from this is that many adults think that teaching should be left to teachers, that parents trying to help their kids learn are somehow overstepping. Explains a lot tbh as most topics in life are never going to come up in a classroom.

You're doing a great job OP! Connecting with your child is important, let the others be the pawns!

It’s hard to say without being there.
Your explanations are too long (why wouldn’t you just say to capture the other person’s king) and you seem to enjoy the quizzing sort of conversation so it might be your personality.
I think that the primary info we need is how loud you are. If you are loud enough that everybody in the vicinity can hear you then you probably are performance parenting. I see parents explaining things to kids when out and about but I can only usually hear what is being said when I’m very close to them as they have awareness of how people don’t want to be forced to listen to other people’s conversations iyswim. If you’re somewhere deserted then do as you like but if it’s somewhere quite busy you might want to time it down if you’re prone to being loud.

You sound like a lovely engaged parent. I don't understand all these other responses. Kids love learning, you've done nothing wrong.

It's about your intent. Were you trying to have everyone else hear you teach your daughter? If yes, performance parenting. If no, great parenting and your voice might just be naturally louder than other people (I know quite a few people who just naturally speak loudly, it's not a choice).

For the most part, kids really enjoy learning. It's why they ask "why?" all the time. Pre-empting that or engaging with it and giving explanations isn't performative; it's engaged and enthusiastic. It models passion for learning and information and knowledge. Using bigger words models good vocabulary and increases exposure to challenging words; you can then scaffold up anything they don't quite understand yet.

It sounds like you were engaged and encouraging. If other parents see that as competitive, it speaks more to their insecurities than anything else.

But, but ... But:

At that age it's probably best to see a child as a kind of sponge for every sort of fact and other piece of knowledge. (Understanding is really important, as well as facts - of course at appropriate levels.)

This is really important. Those of you (surprisingly many, I have to say) who think it's not important to tell small children as much as possible about the world, you are wrong.

Trust me. Talk to your kids. Explain things to them ... the chewing-gum stains on the city street, how mince is cooked, what a black hole is, why it's wrong to steal, why poetry sometimes rhymes, how you know where your feet are when you can't see them ... everything you possibly can. Really, they'll thank you for it. They'll have a happier life, too. So will you. Trust me.

Youre giving me gooozebree and cinnamon yoghurrrt vibes.

This is ridiculous!

Because they are engaging with their child?

I want cinnamon yogurt now

you sound like a lovely engaged parent and your daughter is very lucky to have you as a mother. i used to work at a nursery and it was always very telling who had engaged parents and who didn’t

I think some people also underestimate the intelligence of children and how they love to learn if it’s made light, fun and exciting. And how it sticks with them. Maybe some people think learning is something you do at a table or on a screen: being sat down and told it’s learning time. Kids learn best as they go along, through doing stuff and play, through what they do with their family.

For example, making cakes with kids is a great way to learn weights, measures and how materials react (gluten with butter with liquid) and heat. As well as how to cook from scratch. But most kids don’t realise they’re learning maths and science. They’re interested in tasting the mixture and eating the cakes!

But you obvs have to adapt to their level. For those shocked OP expected her DC to know where Australia is, what’s so difficult about ‘on the other side of the world’? My grandad taught us that every time we dug a hole: you’ll end up in Australia. I actually believed I might at one point! But I never forgot how far away Australia was. Ended up living there for a bit.