Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

Beautiful

I used to engage with DD and DSC’s all the time, I love knowledge and learning and really enjoyed teaching them stuff. Now the youngest is 15 and rolls her eyes every time I try and tell her anything, even when’s she’s asked me 🤣 I’m hoping the interest and engagement will come back, it is slowly with DSC’s (early 20’s!). I am probably loud with it as I’m partially deaf, I don’t think I’d be accused of performance parenting though as I’m not posh and was really young when I had 3 DSC’s and DD at 22!

Well, if other people can hear you AND you can see their reaction you’re obviously
(a) very loud,

and

(b) not looking at only your daughter but glancing around to see who’s noticed you ‘parenting’

So yes, performative.

I think the issue is both the volume and the "can you remember what else lives in Australia" which can be interpreted as "pay attention everyone - the fruit of my womb is about to astound you with her amazing knowledge".

Most parents when their child says "look at that funny bird" would say something like - look at its big beak, I wonder what it eats, doesn't it have cool red feathers, etc etc.

Ackshually 🤓 the aim is to put the opponent's king in a situation where it can't avoid being captured. You never actually capture it. And of course pawns can sometimes move two squares. If I had seen this incident I would have suggested that OP take some chess lessons before feeding fake news to DD!

I think it partly depends on how loudly you do it. But also whether the subsequent questions - "Do you remember what else is is Australia? sort of stuff - is forced or comes naturally in a conversation. Were you lecturing her or having a conversation?

The way you put it in your OP @NotSoSlimShadee doesn't sound like a conversation ...

You sound like an engaged parent. I think a lot of people totally underestimate the curiosity of children. Your engagement with her curiosity will pay off. Chess pieces and a board are great fun to play with and four isn’t too early to learn a little of the game.

Exactly this!

Your description doesn’t sound like ‘engaging’ but more you lecturing her about chess, and testing her general knowledge about Australia. It doesn’t sound like it was aimed at her and for her benefit, but for the other people around you.

It’s more engaging to be age-appropriate conversation and play based.

The difference between engaging with your children and performance parenting is very subtle. The fact two separate groups noticed you - and you noticed them noticing you - definitely suggests it was PP.

My parents talked to me but they didn't feel the need to do it loudly in public for attention!

Indeed, there is a difference between talking to your children in a natural manner and lecturing at them.

I wish you’d have been quick enough to answer the square root question or better yet your dd

This. Just ignore them - everyone parents in their own way, but I’m with you - stretching your child’s mind is super important at any age but especially when very young. I think you are doing brilliantly.

At that age every experience is a learning experience - it’s just a fun, connected ine as opposed to “school” learning.

It does sound a little performative to me. But I don’t know if you’re like that at home or how often you do it? Yes it’s good to teach your kids about the world, of course it is. But it’s equally important to just let them have a nice time at the zoo without testing their knowledge of the flora and fauna of other countries. If they ask questions, that’s different.

When I take DS out, I tend to let him experience the world as he wants or needs to and I answer questions he asks. Yes, sometimes I will tell him stuff about what we are seeing. But I always do it quietly. I think anyone who talks so loud to anyone (or on their phones) is performing and I don’t like other people overhearing my conversations.

I took DS out recently and we grabbed some food and found a little picnic bench in a quiet ish area and we sat and chatted and laughed the same way I would with an adult. I was being present with him, only noticing him and not taking in the other people around us

yes if you ger, but by 4 I think you can start to bring more detail in. My son was obsessed with the Titanic when same age and would’ve felt patronised if I started saying “big boat that got a hold in it due to a lump of ice” because he knew lots of details about it, although in other ways (eg adding up) he had no interest so I didn’t push. You follos youf kid’s interests at that time.

Ignore. In my view it's part of the time-honoured tradition of anti-intellectualism in the UK.

I do this... so I'm reading in interest. DD is 2 and we explain things to her. My dad was the same. But I don't want to be hated for it!

Performative is putting on "perfect parenting" for others approval..

If you normally chat in a different way, but then act as you described in public = performative parenting.

If that is your normal style of parenting all the time = not performative.

(Also, those interactions are great. Teaching about chess is lovely, it's a great game for kids.. 4 is on the young side, but perfectly possible I'd the child is patient enough naturally to handle it.. and encouraging memeory and learning by linking new experiences to existing knowledge is great for their development and future education)

You said in both incidences that they just came up as you were finished talking so you must have been talking quite loudly if they were able to hear you. Whilst you may not have intended it, I think both the women and the couple saw it as performative parenting.

Ignore it OP seems like perfectly reasonable conversations, I have all sorts of conversations with my children that people may think are unnecessary but they love learning so not going to stop. They are like sponges and absorb everything, why wouldn't you take any chance to teach them.

Also think that even if people have heard it doesn't mean the OP is talking loudly, I've heard people's conversation when walking past them/at the park and they've been speaking at a reasonable volume but as the surroundings were quiet I heard them.

Keep having interesting conversations with your child.

She's 4 every trip to the park is a learning experience. All day every day is a learning experience at that age whether parents engage or not.

No. I can't stand the overuse of the term 'performance parenting' or 'performance anything'. In real life, as opposed perhaps to Instagram, few people are trying to show off to strangers. They are getting on with their lives and acting naturally. Sometimes with insufficient awareness of their surroundings.

So you were not performance-parenting. Could you have been annoyingly loud and unaware of how much your voice was carrying? Quite possibly; I don't know as I wasn't there. But that would be the opposite extreme from performance parenting.

Not rtwt as I was bored by the other one. Tell them to piss off and mind their own business (or some politer alternative).

What I learnt from the other thread is that a surprising number of obnoxious nosy parkers don't seem to have a problem with listening in on and judging private conversations between parents and their young children.

It's a gross invasion of the privacy of family life. A form of bullying, really. Parents do tend to speak more clearly and loudly to their children by necessity because interactions with young children often require this, but this does not necessarily mean that they are inviting interference in and judgment of their family life with their DC, just that they can be overheard going about their business.

You would be totally justified in saying to your DC (in a normal volume of voice), "Now there's an example of how not to behave, sweetie. Laughing at people in public is rude and nasty".

Who gives a toss what they thought? Their opinions were uninvited, valueless and should have been kept to themselves.

THIS. 100%