Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

Oh, let me try! Ignoramuses? Dunces? Something else suggesting they are somehow foolish? Not that I agree with name calling. But how about something that doesn’t imply that people from less privileged backgrounds are more likely to BE these thicko’s?

you sound like an engaging parent who can make learning fun. ignore idiots that want to drag you (and by extension your daughter) down. Some people think we should all aim as low as we can so that nobody’s feelings get hurt.

She’s 4. Every trip to the park doesn’t need to be a learning experience. And most 4 year olds won’t understand the concept of chess either.

I think it's fine, OP.

Though I have to say when DD2 got to about 9/10 and we were visiting a castle in Ireland and we were probably asking things like this, DD2 said "STOP MAKING ME LEARN!" 😅

I don’t see a problem with this. So many children in the UK have so little exposure to a second language. So she’s teaching them some French! So what?

I think you're wrong. At 4, everything should be a learning experience ... and for many years thereafter. (After 80, perhaps have a rest ...)

And a properly-brought-up 4 year old will well understand the concept of chess (albeit he/she might need a handicap in her/his favour the first few times you play.)

Surely it's no one else's business how/what you teach your child. I can't imagine reacting that way to hearing a parent teaching their kid about something, really weird imo.

4 isn't too early to teach a bright inquisitive child chess.

I've played (simple) board games with my children from 18m, and my 4yo could play chess. She wasn't going to be beating any experienced players at that age, but knew the mechanics and could play a basic game.

Apart from very complex ones, she can play many games designed for adults now at 7, often holding her own strategically.

I’ve read a couple of “performance parenting” threads on here recently and I think it’s a classic case of taking something which is rare and quite funny (I think we’ve all got our own example, the one that went down in legend for me was overhearing a mother saying to her kid “but don’t you CARE about BEETHOVEN??” ) and extrapolating it out to overhearing perfectly normal conversations.

Some people are loud - I don’t care if I hear them as long as it’s not a confined space. I have a quiet voice but I’ve decided not to give a fuck if someone overhears me talking with my kid and thinks it’s pretentious. All kids are different and some will be very interested in chess or books or who won the World Cup in 1982 and others would look at you like you were mad for speaking to them about it. We know our own children and if passers by think I’m a wanker for chatting with my child about things that interest them and me then that’s their problem.

When their children grow into teens who can’t hold a conversation with a teacher or employer because they’ve never had a chat with their own parents beyond “what’s for tea?” then maybe they’ll rethink.

@persoeYAWN. I’ve got 3 intelligent children. Everything does not need to be made into “a learning experience” unless you are the type of helicopter parent driven by a need to have your child be a chess prodigy/young musician of the year/fluent in Mandarin by age 8. It’s boring. Children find it boring having “learning” rammed down their throats all the time too.

Whatever the parenting style, it is the high volume that is annoying.

I hope it isn’t true, but it is what I observe very often. Rather performance parenting than poor parenting.

I think the fact she asked you what a chess table is and you immediately offered to buy her some chess pieces speaks volumes to be honest!

You sound like a lot of work/insufferable

Fair enough, in a way. "... stupid ignorant dunces ..." ("Ignorant ignoramus" is kind of pleonastic, no?) Hmm.

Any other suggestions anyone? (Yes, I suppose you have to agree with name calling. But why not? If the cap fits ...)

I personally think every day should be a learning opportunity, even if only in passing - ideally for us adults too, but certainly for young kids.

My second is obsessed with animals and often teaches me facts about wildlife. I remember picking up a 'dinosaur' when out and running out was a strange looking spinosaurus. My second, who was three at a time, corrected me that (1) it was a dimetridon (2) it wasn't technically a dinosaur but lived and the same time (3) it ate fish. I googled it, correct on all 3 counts.

We really underestimate kids and their ability to soak up information sometimes.

Yes, it's for their benefit now to act like a good parent in front of others, but I'm not going to stop talking to my kids and us discover things together any time soon.

I know right! Don’t buy your kid chess pieces at 4 OP @NotSoSlimShadee not unless you have money to burn and don’t mind wasting it

I talked to my DCs when young without needing the world to be our audience. They were both reading basic words when they started school as they were interested in talking and reading. My daughter was on the gifted list for reading and passed exams for selected secondary. She now works in IT. No, I don't need to tell you all of this but for context I think it helps show my DCs coped with performance parenting.
Can the noisy performers stop putting other families off their conversations?

Well, but you have to do it right, you see. Temper the wind to the shorn lamb, sort of thing.

Not at all boring. Learning stuff is really fun if you're a human. (Not just for children, either.)

@NotSoSlimShadee as a parent to a ND child who hasn't got half a scobbie about what I'm talking about to him other than routine driven commands that may or may not result in being screamed at or hit, I wouldn't take any notice of whether or not other parents think you're being performative or not.

I'd love to be able to be a performative parent rather than the parent everyone is staring at because their child is taking his clothes off due to getting a bit of water on his top even though it is Baltic outside. In other words fuck them and their judgements.

Something related to the judgement and belittling rather than an explicitly class-based insult? That seems obvious.

It doesn’t matter what it looks like. If it’s normal for you and your daughter then crack on. I have three kids and often look like the worst mum with loads of screaming and crying. In a quiet moment on the train with them yesterday I started doing maths with my eldest. It was only a few minutes trying to teach him how to multiply bigger numbers. It may have looked like a performance but it was a good a chance as I’ll get to engage with him and a few minutes well spent we can pick up next week in a quiet moment to try it again.

You are so wrong.

It's just as natural for a child to like the patterns of maths and chess as it is to like the patterns of hopscotch or singing.

Luckily people in my family haven't needed to wait for the experience of school to learn about and learn to hate logic and strategy.

A fair few of us have gone into related professions. And we all had fun along the way.

OK. "Something" ... but what?

(Incidentally, I've learned from these exchanges of the class-based nature of 'chav' as an insult, something that somehow had passed me by. Even at my age, still learning!)

Wow that took me back to my daughter's dinosaur phase! And her space phase directly afterwards where she would tell my bewildered self about neutron stars and mass. I had no idea children absorbed so much until I had one. Although now, at almost 10, she has forgotten a lot of it in all honesty, replaced with new surprises like detailed information about Palestine/Israel and impressive Donald Duck impressions out of nowhere. There's nothing as intense as a young child with an interest and they are endlessly surprising.