Is this what you call performance parenting?

[NotSoSlimShadee]

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

Yes. YABU OP. Maybe try lowering your voice.

Yes. I'm afraid I would eyeroll too if you were trying to explain chess to a 4 year old in a loud. Oice,,

I'm with you and others. Children are intelligent so there's no point talking to them like they are idiots. My daughter is 7 and I've always talked to her like she's a mini-adult. If she asks a question and I don't know the answer we look it up. I don't care if other people see it as "performance parenting". She's my child and I'll parent her the way I think I'd right. It does no harm to anybody.

When she was 4 her teacher was talking to her about the beach and mentioned tides and she was able to pipe and and explain how they worked as we'd been to the beach and she'd asked me. That's being curious about the world. Absolutely to be encouraged.

@justtaketheeffingpicture

who is? Surely it’s dangerous to be so absorbed by children you’re unaware of your surroundings?

@MainBain

just speak more quietly? Providing you don’t have issues with your hearing or anything like that it’s perfectly possible and is the polite thing to do.

I would think many 4 year olds know what "capture" means. Mine was very into heroes and villains at that age, so capturing baddies was part of lots of games.

Hearing unfamiliar words in conversation surely helps broaden vocabulary too.

Well most people don’t seem to bother talking to their kids at all, they’re either ignoring them in favour of their phone, simpering at them ‘mate’ or screaming at them.

You’re doing fine.

This just isn't true at all.

It really depends on the experience of the child. My daughter would know roughly where it because she has family in India and is obsessed with maps etc.

I think you are fine and if anyone else is bothered by it they need to get a grip.

I talk to my children in public and didn’t realise how much animosity people (or mumsnetters) have towards people parenting in an audible way. The responses here and on the thread yesterday will make me more aware of judgement next time I’m parenting in public, normally I don’t give a shit about what other people think.

Not about class - or, anyway, not intentionally.

I grew up on a council estate - my children, not. What insult could I have better used to express my disdain for those who belittle such an important part of parenting by ridiculing a mother engaging with a child in that way? Any suggestions, @justtaketheeffingpicture?

“ Laugh at me all you like. Then piss off, you stupid ignorant chavs.”

Oh dear, I guess you’re not quite as classy as you like to think.

"WAYNETTA, FACKING COME 'ERE OR YOU'LL GET FACKING THUMPED" sounds better does it?

@NotSoSlimShadee Oh I absolutely parent like this, when I have the energy. We do screens too (at home) I am by no means a perfect parent. Sometimes the kids love showing off what they know and really engage, sometimes I can feel their eyes glazing over. It's hard to know before I start. Overall though I think/ hope they appreciate the attention as a bonding thing, I am very close with both kids.

At nursery pick up the other day they made an off the cuff comment about my four year old being a very bright child who'd asked/ answered a lot of questions that day and I like to think all the effort we put into talking with them like this pays off! I've never noticed anyone judging me as a performance parent but I wouldn't be surprised if they have because we would absolutely have a conversation like this... Did the information about the birds have a shaded in map to show where Australia was? I could picture myself having the same question with a map there for them to point to 😂

I'm not sure the issue is mainly about others seeing you as performing OP. You clearly value learning and academic knowledge. Some people despise this, sadly.

I'm interested in your inference that I "like to think" I'm "classy". I wonder where you got that from. (I suppose I can't be sure, but I anyway suspect it's false.)

Who cares op - you are talking to your child - better than ignoring them and being on your phone! So long as the whole world don't have to listen.

Agree. The definition of performance parenting for me, is around the ‘performance’ bit. Broadcasting whatever educational point being made in such a way that it’s intended for others to hear. Definitely nothing wrong with in-depth, educational discussions with young children. It’s the broadcast bit.

There was one recently when I was in a café. Do you know what that is, Timmy? Timmy: “duck quack quack”. “ yes that’s right, it’s a MALLARD duck. Can you say mallard Timmy? Etc, loud voice, occasional scan to check somebody had heard. Excruciating.

As ever on these threads, the people getting terribly over sensitive about their own parenting and thinking this is about them having conversations with their children aren’t getting it. Performance parenting is when such pedagogy is done for the benefit of bystanders, not the child. I can imagine this is hard to visualise if you’ve never seen it, but it absolutely is a thing. I remember a cracking example at a urban farm in south east London years ago. It’s the sly little glances around to check that other people are suitably impressed. It’s just not an engaged parent having an interesting conversation with their child. That’s basic parenting. Or should be.

People are probably going to judge you regardless of whatever you do. Pay them no mind.

My parents talked to me like this. I enjoyed it. So much better than screen time and random snippets of clicked factoids.

If I'd had my second born first I would have though you were ridiculous as a four year old is almost still a toddler and mine doesn't understand the concept of countries or distance or any gane with anything more than the simest rules. However my first did know where Australia was and would have been quite capable of a game of chess at 4 and we talked to her about these things as she was constantly curious to know more.

Disagree with those saying you must be too loud if you’re not talking so quietly that other people right next to you can’t hear you. Why should we teach our children that they have to communicate very quietly? We should There’s not need to be overly loud, but people really love to take down anyone who dares not to blend into the background. Why not teach our children instead that it’s ok for them to take up space in the world?

Performance parenting is such a nasty term to level at parents who ae probably just doing their best. I definitely used to speak to my dc in that way and I certainly don't regret it or think, now they're 18 and 15, that I wished I'd spoken to them less (or quieter) when they were little. I'd love to go back for another day of them chattering away and asking me questions, hanging on my every word!

I remember being in a cafe and bf ds2, who was a few months old, while nearly 3 year old ds1 asked me questions about the big posters they had up of coffee plantations. I answered his initial questions but also added some questions of my own too to keep it interactive and involved. Two women commented in their way out along the lines of 'he's such a curious little chap/keeps you on your toes/ isn't he bright/you're doing a great job...' I remember feeling very grateful as I was hardly getting any sleep and was feeling guilty about the impact of ds2 on ds1 and their kind words were a boost. Thank god they didn't just dismiss me as performance parenting, and also thank god I didn't just shut him down with 'It's coffee.' when he asked the first question.

I had so many lovely comments from (mainly older, tbh) people when my dc were little. I think some people do enjoy seeing nice interactions between parents and kids when out and about, unlike the miserable fuckers on here who just seem to judge.

Two such occurrences indicates it is quite noticeable. Or you’re in a context/location with a very different parenting culture.