Partner has wet the bed…

[WFHbore2023]

41 year old healthy man, never happened before, completely sober. Obviously this is concerning (and my main concern) and he will contact his doctor.

woke me up this morning saying that we need to get up and change the bed, obviously not ideal but he’s embarrassed so I just crack on. He helps me strip the bed and then goes off to shower.

I’m working today, he’s taken the children out for the day, and so I have been left with a superking duvet to wash and dry, along with mattress topper, protector, sheets and any other bedding.

AIBU to be pretty pissed off that he’s just cracked on with his day without so much as a conversation over whether or not I was ok to sort everything out this end?

I'd be far more concerned about what is wrong with him to be worried about the mess, assuming he is anotherwise ok husband/father. If this is not his usual behaviour, he may have been very embarrassed or worried himself and just tried to get away. This is absolutely NOT normal, he needs a medical evaluation immediately.

Has any woman every tried to get away from an embarrassing situation (and let's face it we've all had them) - pee, blood, menstrual fluid etc on fabric - by leaving it to someone else to clean up? that sorts the embarrassment does it?

You can completely forget the event knowing someone else is putting your pee-stained clothes through the washing machine. yeah right.

Yep, I had a friend Ann Marie who had a boyfriend she'd been seeing for a few weeks, and she unfortunately bled heavily on his mattress while asleep. She was mortified, quietly got dressed and fled while he was still deeply asleep, never contacted him again.

You can keep trying to derail if you like but you have ABSOLUTELY picked the wrong person for this shite. I never give men a free pass for anything I wouldn't give a woman a free pass for.

I absolutely 100 percent definitively would give anybody a free pass for this if it was a one off. And I made it abundantly clear that it was only if it was a one off and he was otherwise a decent husband or father.

You're just spoiling for a fight.

Go lecture someone else.

derail? What are you on about.

And I haven't picked anyone. still less spoiling for a fight. Are you serious?

I hope your friend Ann Marie is doing better now.

Off you shove love, I do not care at all about your pretence at confusion or your attempt to start a shit fight. We're done, you no longer exist.

But I command you to continue replying to me and trying to win an argument with yourself 😚

I guess it's the same as a partner cleaning up after problems like post op bleeding/menopause sweats/period/lochia etc-I don't think there's a right or wrong when someone's ill (obviously, normally adults would clean up after themselves if they'd dropped a drink on the bed or whatever). In this case though it's a very worrying situation-I hope it turns out to be something the doc can easily help with, but I'd be concerned until I knew what was going on.

I'm not sure I could get a super king size duvet in my washing machine, the dog weed on our king size and it was hard to find a launderette with a big enough machine! Maybe I'm missing the point though. Did he leave expecting you to get on with it or could you have left it for him to do? I suppose it depends on whether you have spare bedding (don't most of us have at least 2 sets?). You mention the duvet but not the mattress, how does that work with gravity?

Haha I came to say the same - the constant washing is such a disruption to my very important work - I'd better post about it online every 2 minutes!

Slightly different as it wasnt wee but partner soaked the bed with sweat, two nights in a row, afew weeks back, due to a bad case of Covid. 5 pillows soaked, the king size duvet , sheet and mattress protector

We just stripped the bed and i cracked on
It took hours in the machine & dryer and then had to do it all again the next day, but i wouldnt expect him to do it, im a capable adult and had no problem helping him

IF it was pee, he would of been embarrassed and i would no way make a thing out of it

"Maybe you just lack care and empathy for others. Or maybe you're projecting because nobody cares enough about you to help you"

Was that necessary? That was quite, shockingly, nasty. 😢

"When my husband's stoma literally exploded at his friend's, his friend put his clothes in the wash while he showered and sorted himself out, and lent him some bits while his clothes were washed and dried."

While awful, you are bringing in an over the top situation as a comparison. This thread is about someone who peed the bed then toddled off leaving his wife to take care of it. Nowhere near the horror of your dh's situation.
I take it the trauma of your dh's ordeal is still raw for you as why else would you project?
I'm sorry that happened to your dh. 💐

A day later people still can't grasp the thread. 😵‍💫

I think it's strange how you're more obsessed with the washing that the fact that there's something wrong

Bizarre that one of your first thoughts was to jump onto Mumsnet to complain about it!!!

Should he have cleaned up his own mess? Sure. Did you maybe give some mixed signals indicating you would do some laundry etc - probably. If you'd told him it was his mess to clean up then he'd have done it.

Why on earth wouldn't you want to help him??? If my partner had just had a bit of an accident and was a bit confused then I'd want to help them. Of course what you think as "wetting the bed" could have actually been a bit of an excitable morning glory moment.

If you're that quick to toddle along to Mumsnet to complain about him then that rather suggests there are bigger problems than just a bladder/urethra/sphincter control situation. Suggest you get yourself some marital counselling and figure out how to communicate more effectively.

As for the wee problem: there are many reasons for this (everything from cauda equina and spine nerve damage, to prostate problems, to muscle problems) - anything involving a loss of control of one's bladder/bowels requires urgent medical attention.

Well, do we know he just walked off and left the washing to her to do? Maybe they both lack communication skills and she gave the impression that she wanted to help him and would do the laundry since he already had plans to take the children out and didn't want to disappoint them?

Don't you think it's a bit weird that this person would immediately decide to post this on Mumsnet before trying to resolve it with their spouse??? And that their main concern has been that they've been doing a bit of laundry?? (which is hardly an inconvenience these days: the washing machine does the work!!!)

.

This is insane.

you think that both of us have confused actual urine with an ‘excitable morning glory moment’ ?
🤣

What I think is weird is a grown man getting up and leaving his piss drenched bed for someone else to deal with! To me it’s unthinkable, entitled and downright rude.

We get to decide if we allow others to treat us like servants and skivvys. If op has belatedly realised she isn’t willing to put up with this, then of course she can say so. Demand an apology and an agreement that next time he wets the bed - HE washes it all.

I think OP's getting a hard time

It's disrespectful to leave someone to wash all the laundry

Although, if she didn't want to do it, they could have slept on spare bed last night

A quick update -

no, a doctor appointment was not made. He thinks that if he called them they would have wanted to see him the same day, and that’s not how he wanted to spend his day off.

apparently he just didn’t think about the washing, so that’s something I’ll be taking a different approach with further down the line - I can see that he needs reminding that any task shouldn’t just fall on me without a conversation first, which is the same common courtesy I show him

there are a few posters that should probably remember that if you have to exaggerate to make a point, you probably don’t have a point.
Posting on here wasn’t my first thought. I got woken at 6:40, and made the post at 2:30. I felt like venting, and seeing as talking to someone we know would be embarrassing, and he was out with the kids so I was unable to communicate this with him, I posted on here.
Yes, I able to post on here whilst being at work, but that’s because I had a mandatory teams meeting that I could not add to, and was not relevant to me, to attend. This wasn’t an all day meeting, which is why me having to do the washing loads and faff around with the drying whilst also working was relevant.
it says right there in my op that his health was my concern, so I’m not sure why so many people said it should be.
he wasn’t ill, he wasn’t confused, he was fully capable of taking the children out all day, so his lack of doing the laundry was nothing to do with that. It goes without saying that if he was ill then obviously the clean up would fall on me. This isn’t comparable.
and yes, the mattress was fine (even with gravity) because as previously mentioned, on of the items I washed was a protector.
and finally, yes, obviously I do have a washing machine and I’m not at the nearest stream with a rock - but if you read my posts I’ve been very clear that the issue wasn’t the act, but the assumption that I was ok to leave it to me.
god forbid a girl wants to feel respected.

So I wonder if he had a dry night in the spare bed?

Everyone's relationship is different, but I wouldn't need my partner to 'ask' me to do something like this nor him me. We'd BOTH just do it because it's the most obvious solution.

but if you need to be asked to feel respected. The. You need to communicate that, but be very sure you ask him to do every little thing and don't just assume he'll do it because he just does.

Perhaps OP could share her screen time data and how long it has taken to do the laundry so you could judge accurately? ⏱️ 🙄

apparently he just didn’t think about the washing, so that’s something I’ll be taking a different approach with further down the line - I can see that he needs reminding that any task shouldn’t just fall on me without a conversation first, which is the same common courtesy I show him

Was he at least apologetic about that, OP?

How do you make out that it was OP's "first thought" to complain on here and that she was "that quick" to go to MN when she posted after 2 pm about something that happened first thing that morning?

All about the man again!

The fact that he didn’t even think about the sheets and just assumed you would deal with it is a sign that the division of the labour has fallen too much to your side and he sees the domestic drudgery your job, despite you working as well.

I wouldn’t just be giving him a reminder, I would make clear that you are not his maid and if he doesn’t get it then stop doing things for him, whether that’s laundry, cooking, tidying.

He’s the one who wet the bed and you say OP is the one who ‘toddles’? Bizarre.