Loud parenting in public spaces

[76born]

AIBU to say that even as a parent of two, I find loud parenting and following this, loud children really bloody annoying.
Two examples this week which have had me furious 😡 (I’m obviously bored and need to get a life)
Example one, sat in a cafe now enjoying a cup of tea whilst my two build Lego (it’s a Lego cafe) and one parent is commenting on her child’s building skills, eg “oh wow Timothy, great building of a really high tower Timothy, look jacasta, look how high Timothy’s tower is” (names changed). Now dad joins in. His I’m really mean..
Example two, walking home from school last week when a young g child of about two being pushed in a pushchair mumbled and pointed at something. Mum, in the loudest, poshest voice ever, “yes darling, that black Range Rover is like the one found at grampy’s house”.
i am perimenopause, I get the rage at minor things and just would enjoy your thoughts and of course, examples, to add to this thread.
I thank you

Cannot bear performance parenting! In our local park there is a wee little playhouse with a window, kids usually pretend to be running an ice cream stall and adults dutifully play along etc. Around five years ago I was there on a grey rainy morning, one other mum and her little girl were there. Mum began asking the girl if she would like to buy some ‘yummy kale soup’ from the hut window.

Usually I’ll natter to any parents at the park, but I must admit I gave her a wide berth that morning and messaged a few Mum friends about what a dick she was 🙈

Well, who gets to draw the line? I have never encountered performance parenting so my middle ground is probably your performance parenting.

Also, if you believe that performance parenting is a thing the dichotomy is not ignoring kids vs performance parenting. The dichotomy would be 'ignoring kids vs over parenting' or alternatively 'performance parenting vs performance ignoring'. Performance parenting according to the definition someone posted can include ignoring or neglecting a child so this whole thing just doesn't make any sense.

I enjoy judging others as much as the next person and I'm judging the people on this thread quite hard right now but I would like to think that most parents are just trying to do the best they can for their kids rather than impress the strangers around them.

As i said..i just don't get the nastiness. I mean just imagine a tired, frazzled and insecure mum (or dad though it's usually the mums who get all this lovely judgment directed at them) trying to be a good parent and talking to their kids maybe a bit too loudly or a bit too randomly and then having someone roll their eyes at them and making them even more insecure and unsure of themselves.

Oh I have been accused of this before.

I have ADHD and suspected Autism - going through the process of that diagnosis at the moment. I also went to drama school. I find it very hard to regulate my volume, especially when loud because I’m not always aware of it.

Add in one very sweet but precocious AuDHD 6yo and a younger child who can only be described as feral, we do not stop talking between us. Loud is our go to volume.

Am I performing for anyone? As if.

Do I try and be quieter when we are out? Of course!

If we don’t manage do I actually give a toss? No you can jog on

If you had texted me this I'd have genuinely thought that you are the dick. How do you know what they were playing? Maybe the girl had mentioned kale soup earlier or maybe they were going to have it for lunch and she wanted to prepare her dd for that, or maybe it was an insider joke or who knows what. (My dd loves kale by the way.)

It just shows how nonsensical this whole performance parenting is. It sounds like it was just your family ahd this mum and dd so whom was she performance parenting for? On a grey rainy morning? And you gave her a wide birth so you literally know nothing about her except that she said one phrase containing kale. I mean surely you can see that it was you who was the dick here?

There are so many shitty parts of parenting IMO, I can’t see why anyone can even be bothered to make it worse for someone by being judgy

There was an American guy on the cross channel ferry this week being so noisy doing this I wanted to punch him. Also a woman who thought it was great her tiny toddler was pushing a little chair as a baby walker over the wooden floor making a nails on blackboard sound for ages.

The one that annoys me is the "Good Job" said with a particularly annoying (slightly American?) intonation!

Whatever happened to "Well done" or "That's great!"?

Rizzz, I get that you are (believe yourself to be) so much better informed than most people on this thread, and in your ability to use Google. Indeed, I’ve already noted your marvellous use of performance Googling, and perhaps performance Mumsnet posting is also a forte.

BUT, while you seem fantastically good at telling people that they do not know what performance parenting is, and telling them (in an ever so patronising way) to Google it, you’ve yet to answer my previous question, which was to show me where in the OP’s post they have given examples (certainly the first one) of performance parenting.

The post asks about loud parenting. It gives two examples, one of parents engaging with a child and another of someone talking to them about recognising a car similar to their grandparents’. Now the last might well be mild showing off, but I’m not sure that either meets the criteria you’ve highlighted in your Google search. Perhaps you’ve Googled it but not actually read it?

Now there are several good/funny/slightly mean examples of what might be classed as performance parenting in this thread. But not in the original post.

By all means start your own post on performance parenting. Might be good. But stop attacking everyone who see’s no performance parenting in the original examples.

So really, get off your high horse and stop the showing off. What is it parents say to kids? It’s neither big, funny nor particularly clever…

Talking and engaging with your kids in a normal tone of voice = GOOD

Behaving like your auditioning for a "super fun" children's TV show = TWATTY

At what point does it become performative parenting instead of engaging with your child if they’re talking about something or trying to help your child talk?
I talk and narrate my 19 month old’s activity when we’re out and about, speaking very clearly so he can pick up the different sounds I’m making because he’s a bit slower on speech, but I also do it at home and there’s no one I’m ‘performing’ to there!

I was in Co-op last night and there was a dad in there who had possibly the loudest voice on planet Earth.

He wasn't even especially tall, shorter than me, but his voice was just booming and carried. And just to make it worse, he kept up a running commentary with his son on everything they were buying, trying to buy, or even had in stock at home.

I was trying to work out what I wanted for dinner and he was walking up and down with his son, maybe aged about 8? "Sausages? There's lots of sausages here but we have sausages at home. And we're going to have sausages for breakfast so we'll just have burgers. And mushrooms. The mushrooms are here. Let's get a pack of mushrooms...."

Pause.

"BURGER CHEESE!" shouted triumphantly while putting it into his basket.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with what he was doing. But dear god, he was so very loud. Worth mentioning I'm autistic so not great with noise anyway.

It got me thinking, I wonder what would happen if you got talking online through a dating app and then met up and found out that this fairly innocuous looking man had a voice worthy of Thor himself. Imagine a date, or even sex 😂 Would you get used to the booming?

I don't think I could cope with a voice that loud 😂

I think I sound exactly like your first example. Narrating what my child is doing, praising him, repeating myself. He's 7 years old and largely non verbal autistic. Perhaps you should make sure you know the circumstances before you judge or even better mind your own business.

You would probably consider me a performance parent. I have an RP accent and a voice that carries. I also have an autistic child with severe speech delay who needs very clear, direct instructions.

On behalf of us both I sincerely apologise for our existence 🙄.

It’s a spectrum isn’t it? At one end overly loud voiced performance parenting that imposes itself on others notice unnecessarily and at the other the sad sight of a neglected baby or toddler left to amuse itself or whine on its own or being babysat with a device while parent ignores it completely whilst enthralled by their own phone.

We all like to think that we’re somewhere in the middle .,,,;I enjoyed hearing a young Australian man chatting to his toddler son on the bus the other day. He wasn’t overly loud - it was just nice to see the interaction rather than another person gazing at a phone.

This is not quite the 'clever gotcha' you seem to imagine in your head?

There is no point in people discussing a subject they really don't understand and stubbornly refusing to Google it.

The OP didn't mention PP and later said that's what she meant.

But given the OP has taken part in this thread very minimally, the conversation moved quickly on.

I'm not sure if you spotted that?

YABU. I’m partially deaf, so have sometimes have trouble moderating the loudness of my speech especially if outside or in a public area (when competing with other sounds- I’m not talking about in a library or someplace that obviously needs to be whisper quiet).

I’m sorry if my communicating with my child upsets you but comments like yours are really ableist. And it’s not always obvious which parents have problems with their hearing - I just hope everyone’s not as judgemental as you.

I've never heard of the phrase performative parenting before but it seems like just another stick to beat parents with. You really can't win as a parent sometimes. Make sure you engage with your children, but make sure you don't do it loudly enough for others to hear otherwise they'll think you're just putting on a show. Oh but also don't look at your phone for even a second because then you'll be neglecting them 🙄 Parenting is bloody tough - we should be supporting each other not judging the shit out of each other for actually interacting with our kids.

I am in the minority on here, but I much prefer a child headphoned and plugged into a device on public transport to one being actively engaged through "I spy" and similar delights.

Though personally I wouldn't just ban kids from public spaces, I'd also ban dogs (they bark and brush against my legs), cyclists (swoosh past and expect you to move for them, the twats, and get annoyed with small children dawdling on footpaths), tourist groups (obvious), pensioners (move too slowly, talk too loudly and, if lost, have the temerity to ask for directions rather than checking on their smartphones), foxes (rip open bins), workmen (block the road and create dust) and middle-aged women (one looked at me the wrong way the other day).

Once they're all safely locked in the basement, I might just be able to enjoy a bit of peace.

Parents and children are always in the wrong, whatever they do. That's a given.

The sooner we go the way of South Korea and abolish children, the better.

Well, I’ll ask you and the OP then where in her post she gave anything close to an example of performance parenting. You and your ability to Google tell us that performance parenting is:
Seeking External Validation
Presenting an Idealized Image
Neglecting Child's Needs
Potential for Stress and Anxiety

I see none of this is the OP’s post. The OP is perhaps being rather intolerant of certain rather non-events. You are desperately trying to prove something you appear to think is cleverness. It isn’t. It’s slightly unpleasant, rather silly and ultimately extremely dull.

Urgh, SO MANY of these people in the space center on Tuesday.

"where would you like to sit James? (James is about two) well, no, not there as there will be seven of us eventually, can you count to seven James? ONE, TWO, THREE........"

Why are you asking a two year old in a busy cafe where they want to sit if you need to find seating for SEVEN people?

And so many who allow a tiny person to tyrant their day. A young woman stood to eat her food because her nephew didn't want" aunty maddy" to sit in the only available seat. Her sister and the other two adults in the group allowed this. I mean, honestly!

Had this on a train recently. Couple plus 2 yr old got on, v busy carriage.Child "What dat?" on repeat as they do. Both parents "that's a WINDOW/ DOOR/ COAT..." v loudly, coupled with extra info for all.OK Fine. DH happened to look up in their direction as we'd left a suitcase near the exit as no storage anywhere so was keeping an eye. They then launched into a monologue of how he should be more tolerant of 2 year olds (that was the jist of it). Then sarcastically wished him a good day and told him to smile as they got off.
Trouble is, he's deaf, was reading and hadn't registered any of this, plus he's mostly in a world of his own! I was in a seat across the aisle so just observed, bemused. I didn't bother telling him.

But to balance things up, a family in Eurostar waiting area, boy of about 4, girl about 6, sat nearby. Mum produced 2 small boxes (playmobil), children both said "wow!" and their mum then helped the younger one sort the bits. No fuss, no drama and it was lovely to see.

It’s not performance parenting though is it. It’s just not being a miserable parent who shouts at their kids. This is how parents are supposed to be.

i parent my kids this way and would much prefer to demonstrate “performance parenting” then being a miserable bastard who can’t tolerate happy families. Yawn

A mother interacted with her daughter (shock horror!!!) buy playing at cafes and you took such offence that you decided to text your Mum’s network about it?!?!? Wow.

After reading this thread I’m now thinking the world probably thinks I’m performance parenting anytime I’m out with my toddler- I’m a very impulsive ADHD brained person, and I’m often loudly and excitably talking about anything and everything to my child 😂

We even went to an art gallery the other day and discussed all the paintings (in toddler terms), but only because HE asked to go and loves looking at art 🤣 I never knew this was something people around me might be judging