Loud parenting in public spaces

[76born]

AIBU to say that even as a parent of two, I find loud parenting and following this, loud children really bloody annoying.
Two examples this week which have had me furious 😡 (I’m obviously bored and need to get a life)
Example one, sat in a cafe now enjoying a cup of tea whilst my two build Lego (it’s a Lego cafe) and one parent is commenting on her child’s building skills, eg “oh wow Timothy, great building of a really high tower Timothy, look jacasta, look how high Timothy’s tower is” (names changed). Now dad joins in. His I’m really mean..
Example two, walking home from school last week when a young g child of about two being pushed in a pushchair mumbled and pointed at something. Mum, in the loudest, poshest voice ever, “yes darling, that black Range Rover is like the one found at grampy’s house”.
i am perimenopause, I get the rage at minor things and just would enjoy your thoughts and of course, examples, to add to this thread.
I thank you

Example 1 seems fine. The parent was congratulating the child. What makes this performance parenting? Example 2 seems a bit performative but might just be their usual manner.

How can you tell the difference between the parent engaging with their child and performance parenting? Is it just the volume?

I am usually surprised by how little parents engage with their children in public. Speaking to a kid in a louder and more sing song voice than usual seems completely reasonable for young children.

Wow - brutal thread. I’m constantly chatting to my toddler repeating what he’s done or said back to him because he likes the affirmation that he’s been understood and it’s supposed to help them with language acquisition - and I’m probably reasonably loud so he can hear me on busy roads etc. Luckily I mostly don’t care what other people think of my parenting so I’ll keep doing it - but interesting to know that the takeaway from most people when they hear parents talking to their kids nicely is that they are “performance parenting”. I’d be shocked if many parents have the energy to fake parent their children just to impress random strangers with their level of engagement.

Don’t let threads like this make you think you need to explain yourself. This sounds like very engaged parenting which is very good for children.

I don't think that talking to your child is performance parenting. It's when it's done at the top of your voice whilst glancing around to check that everyone around you is admiring you.

This is a fucking horrible thread, especially as it’s clearly making some decent parents feel self-conscious about engaging with their children.

And texting your Mum friends to tell them you think another mother is a dick is probably the twattiest thing I’ve read in over a decade on MN.

Couldn’t agree more - to me that’s just a mother trying to positively reinforce how wonderful vegetables are to her kid. I don’t feed my kids ice cream yet as my toddler isn’t even two so I also tend to use examples from his real life instead of ice cream.

I don’t mind other people engaging with their children (however loudly) unless it obstructs other people. I could see someone describing my interactions as performance parenting but they wouldn’t know anything about my motivations or circumstances.

I suspect that I wouldn’t respect the opinion of someone so judgmental anyway. Parents get criticized no matter what.

I talk to my kids like this because its good for their development. Not at a high volume but in that sort of way which I think some might think is performance parenting. I do it at home alone too and I couldn't give 2 shits what random strangers think when I talk to my children in public.

My 3 year old has an excellent vocabulary and is great at identifying needs and emotions. Might be nothing to do with the way I talk to her but we have lovely conversations so ima keep doing what I'm doing 😊

100% agree

@Rizzz do you work for Google or something? 😂 Give it a rest, everyone’s got your point. (Or at least heard it several thousand times.)

I’m with you OP this gives me the rage.
My example -
Went to order some breakfast from a well-known bakery establishment. There was no queue when I got there but some bloke leaped ahead of me with his toddler and spent AGES talking to him about all the different types of cake/cookie he could order

“Oooh LOOK Jacob, this one is shaped like a DINOSAUR!!! You LOVE dinosaurs don’t you? Tell the lady behind the counter your favourite type of dinosaur……” he looked around at me with this grin on his face as if to say “ooooh aren’t I wonderful, I’m such a ‘hands on’ dad”

My face didn’t betray the reaction he was looking for. In my head, the words “will you just hurry up and fuck off. I am hungry”

OP sounds like one of the kids at school who slouched around being too cool for everything. Didn’t care what you thought then, don’t care now. I’ll continue teaching my kids about all the wonderful things in this world.

I know what you mean about perimenopause rages. I have been getting them about waiting lists and my MIL just lately. Also, my 12 year old is deaf and performance parenting is totally different to the kind of talking you need to do when you are talking to a deaf child.

one of dh's family does meal times with their child like they are a midwife with a woman in labour. "Yes, you can do it!, One more pea, Well done! Just one more carrot and then we will go to costa" etc. All very loud. Meanwhile I just tell my dc that as long as they have some veg it's fine. Disclaimer, none of the dc have an eating disorder, arfid or are underweight.

Everyone knows the difference. They’re pretending they don’t.
I talk to DS all the time while we are out but I manage to do it at a normal voice level and without making such a performance out of it

It doesn't annoy me but it does seem a bit tedious, however they are just wee kids and need constant reinforcement and encouragement so those people are just being good parents so let them crack on with it.

DH and I went out for lunch today, and sitting on some comfy chairs in the corner of the cafe were a woman and her dd aged around 10/11. I was facing in their direction and they were there for around an hour. The poor child sat there silent and dejected, clutching a bottle of pop and sucking on a straw, and all the while her mother was totally engrossed in her phone. She didn't talk to her dd at all until it was time to leave. I'd much rather have been listening to some performance parenting to be honest.

It could be that they’re just doing their best to communicate clearly with their children. If Timothy had made an impressive tower out of LEGO, his mum should be praising him. I’m not sure really why that is ‘performance parenting’.

If Timothy was throwing LEGO all over the floor and spitting out his sausage roll, MN would be quick to agree “that mum should be the parent, not let him be naughty, etc etc. keeping the child engaged is how you avoid boredom and challenging behaviour.

Example 2, I suppose you could roll your eyes at her mentioning the brand name. But then if Grampy has a Range Rover, that’s not exactly a crime is it? My theee year old knows what make our car is. His favourite car is Lamborghini purely because he has a model of it in a bright yellow colour. It doesn’t really mean anything…

I experienced the opposite of this yesterday (well opposite may not quite be the right word)
I took my 5 and 7 year old to the library, there is a play are. My DC and a couple of other kids built an obstacle course, just cushions and soft blocks, the library encourage this. A little girl who looked about the same age as my 5 year old wanted to join in, she was literally sobbing and screaming but her mum just wouldn’t let her and was being very vocal about how high and dangerous it was! I got the impression she wanted the rest of us to tell our kids to stop playing on it. It was quite bizarre actually

Here’s the problem. My daughter talked really early and really well. By two she was talking in sentences, and by 3 her vocabulary was really advanced, because with her disability she spent pretty much every waking hour with an adult. She loved to talk, and given her gluey ears also had a really loud voice, and couldn’t hear very well. I am certain people around us thought we were performative parents, but we were just parents talking with our child. And yes, that involved complimenting her on things she was doing.

Just don’t judge.

This reminds me of when my partner and I were waiting to pay in a shop and it was near Halloween and the children were being mock scared by their Dad with a plastic spider (such fun parents). The Mum looked over at us, beaming with delight, but obviously didn't quite get the reaction she was seeking as she said "joyless, utterly joyless"...

I'm not really a confident mum. I'm getting better but I always worry I'm not doing a good enough job.

I try not to even look at my phone if I'm out in public with my little girl incase people judge me for not interacting with her enough. Now apparently I have to worry if I interact with her too much as well.

What an utterly depressing, bitchy thread. Some women really will drag other women down for anything.

I also think it's extraordinarily self centred for people to decide that these parents are 'performing' for their benefit.

Rather than, y'know, their child.

If you’re not doing that for the approval of others then you’re not performance parenting, so don’t worry about it.

It’s obvious when you see it.

People also do performative dog-parenting and performative arguing on the phone in public.

What makes it obvious?

I’ve been criticised for performance parenting several times. Starting with when I was quietly wittering away to DD as a newborn in the sling about what milk to buy. Which I did because the EYP had advised stream of consciousness narration to a child who otherwise wouldn’t hear much speech (no family or friends at that point). And more for when she would loudly ask for sushi in the supermarket (gluten intolerance).

I got side eyed in the library today for trying to shoehorn a bit of extra knowledge into DS. Thing is, he may look like an average 10yo (assuming there is such a thing) but what you can’t see is that he only started reading last year, is selectively mute and autistic with adhd and consequently home educated, so making him read labels on exhibits aloud and me leading a discussion about it is his fucking education! But the muttering from other parents…. My kid does know about artist names because it’s his sister’s hyper focus. He does know some fairly obscure detail about historical events because he’s interested.

That said, I’ve been criticised just as much for being on my phone or reading a book at softplay or the park. You can’t win.