Loud parenting in public spaces

[76born]

AIBU to say that even as a parent of two, I find loud parenting and following this, loud children really bloody annoying.
Two examples this week which have had me furious 😡 (I’m obviously bored and need to get a life)
Example one, sat in a cafe now enjoying a cup of tea whilst my two build Lego (it’s a Lego cafe) and one parent is commenting on her child’s building skills, eg “oh wow Timothy, great building of a really high tower Timothy, look jacasta, look how high Timothy’s tower is” (names changed). Now dad joins in. His I’m really mean..
Example two, walking home from school last week when a young g child of about two being pushed in a pushchair mumbled and pointed at something. Mum, in the loudest, poshest voice ever, “yes darling, that black Range Rover is like the one found at grampy’s house”.
i am perimenopause, I get the rage at minor things and just would enjoy your thoughts and of course, examples, to add to this thread.
I thank you

When my dd was a baby, my friend commented with surprise that I was talking to her like she could understand. I replied that no one knows whether or not she can understand, and she never will if I don’t talk to her.

Di you also discreetly mutter under your breath, ffs? I do and I’m doing it now.

What I also find amusing is that they don't seem to realise the people/person they're putting on the performance for, know it's all fake!

I bet half the time it isn’t fake though and people are just being unnecessarily judging and making shit assumptions.

It’s annoying/irritating but causing ‘fury’ is totally OTT

I occasionally have concerns that people out and about think I’m performance parenting 🤣

The reality is, my 2yo has the attention span of a gnat, and is not afraid to show it! So the choice is listening to me waffling on, or hearing my child whinge, moan and occasionally scream. I pick the lesser of the two evils! I try to not be loud about it and parent discreetly sans humble brag because I don’t like drawing attention to myself, but it’s inevitable sometimes as kids are loud.

I was at Tesco, waiting to put my blue token in the slot for charities. Mr Performance Parent was in front of me.
"The RNLI is for people who rescue those in distress at sea, darling. Do you know what distress means? Cue long explanation.
"The breakfast club is for children whose parents are too poor to give them a nice breakfast like you get, darling. They wouldn't have avocado on toast and granola like we have"

Etc etc

Resisting the urge to slap him, I said "Excuse me" and put my token in the slot otherwise I've no idea how long this palaver would have gone on.

I am of a similar age to you OP and I notice this nowadays.

Some people seem to be desperate to be viewed as amazing parents, performing for an audience.

I was recently in a supermarket where a father was endlessly speaking very loudly and unnecessarily to his young child in the trolley seat. Clearly not a natural with the child, it was awkward and very fake. Eventually, the child began to cry, loudly. Dad clearly did not know how to handle this, just stopped talking and ignored the child for the duration of their shop! If you were going to engage with your child, you'd think that when they are crying would be the time to do so!

Meh, I find it annoying but it doesn’t give me the rage. Everyone’s just trying to get through the day. A lot of performance parenting stems from insecurity, I don’t think judging parents helps anyone. just be kind.

I’ve been a performance parent at times, because I was so depressed and anxious about parenting plus exhausted and no sense of hearing from my baby screaming all night that I was wound up pretty tight and probably talked too loudly, but it was that or stay home and sob in front of my toddler. I so desperately wanted to do the right thing.

with perspective now I get that I was annoying. I was just doing my best. I’ve also occasionally been the shouty parent with out of control kids at a supermarket that me pre children would have judged, I’ve also had strangers come up and compliment me on how well my children are behaving.

parenting is a humbling experience, the bad days are awful, just be kind.

At the zoo a while ago. A parent with flash cards loudly 'teaching' her child to spell hippopotamus in the hippo house. The child was maybe 18 months / 2 years! 🤣 Just let them enjoy the zoo!

My DS had glue ear until he was 5 so most of my parenting was performance or rather fish wife since he often couldn’t hear me. But it was more like yelling instructions at him. Once he had grommets fitted life became much quieter.

Good for you! That’s really fantastic!

I'm a Facebook friend to a woman my dh is related to . She's always posting how wonderful her children are and how they can request a roast ( or other food item ) at 10pm and she will run to the kitchen to make it . Also how wonderful life is for them .
Yet I know she regularly throws her kids of of the house for weeks on end and tries to get her parents to take them on !

I mean I get the irritation at the loud ‘we have a posh car’, one but enthusiastic parents? Not really. Surely far better that than those I see at our nursery who barely acknowledge their kids when they come out. The slightly awkward Dads who might give them a slight pat (if at all) and say, ‘alright mate’ while ignoring their child’s desire for interaction and cuddles. These poor kids who’s (usually but not always) father’s are far too scared of being shown up as ‘not real men’ for showing anything close to emotional engagement. it’s rather sad I think.

When I hear loud parents "performing", I presume it is for show, as there is no reason to talk so loudly that everyone can hear you. More than likely at home they are just stuck in front of a telly., and this is just so they look like parents who engage with their children, typically the children also run amok and have zero discipline, as the parents find the irritating behaviour endearing. Not judging, just speaking from my own observations. .

But the first example could be someone using positive parenting. If parents aren't confident at talking to their children, they are told to narrate what the children are doing. As a nursery manager, would you rather a parent doesn't get something completely right, or not bother?
I was sick of the judgement because I had to speak loudly to my grandchild, who has moderate hearing loss. MYOFB.

I cringe at this memory. When my son was 3, I printed out and laminated little flash cards with all the high frequency words on. I had them in a freezer bag and used to take them everywhere because it was his favourite thing to do.

I bet people were eye rolling at me and my precocious little toddler in his buggy, reading out all these words 😂. In my defence, we did it very quietly and it was not performative.

It's not as annoying as women who use perimenopause as an excuse for being judgemental and intolerant.

Oops. People may well have thought I was performance parenting in the past. The reality was that my DC had partial hearing loss due to congestion. It resolved in time, but for a few years if you wanted him to hear anything you had to be loud.

I've got 10+ years on you, I'd happily tell you to GTF at your mutterings. It's fucking pathetic. Anyone out of the teen years shouldn't be eye rolling. You don't get to dictate the behaviour of other people.

How can this possibly be anything other than a judgement when you yourself have said you ‘presume’? 😂

And your observations are things you can’t observe; what they’re doing behind closed doors at home and how the parents feel internally.

I didn’t realise talking to my kid, praising them was seen as a bad thing.

It isn't.

These threads are always the same.

There's always a handful of people who'll comment without having a clue what performance parenting is.

Just Google it 🤷‍♂️

A few months ago I was in a crowded cafe. Two mums with one toddler each were there together at a little table. Both children were behaving beautifully. One of the mums suddenly went into full on Performance Mode. We had loud singing (just from her) followed by loud pat-a-cake (just her) following her bellowing “A DOGGY! A DOGGY! LOOK THOMAS, THAT MAN’S BROUGHT HIS DOGGY!” and yoiking poor bemused Thomas out of his high chair to go and meet the doggy. Doggy and Thomas both looked utterly perplexed. Several minutes later, with Thomas sitting beautifully in his high chair again, she pulled him out of it and decided to run up and down the middle of the cafe with him, shouting “WOO! WOO! WOO!”. Meanwhile the lady she was with sat there quietly. I wondered if this was the first time they’d had a coffee together, and if there’d ever be another one!

Key Characteristics of Performance Parenting:

Seeking External Validation:
Performance parenting often involves a need for external approval and recognition, which can manifest in various ways, such as using social media to showcase their parenting or seeking praise from others.

Presenting an Idealized Image:
Parents engage in performance parenting to present an image that is perceived as "perfect" or "successful," often to impress or compare themselves with other parents.

Neglecting Child's Needs:
This can lead to neglecting the actual needs of the child, as the parent's focus is more on the presentation of their parenting rather than on the child's emotional and developmental well-being.

Potential for Stress and Anxiety:
Performance parenting can be stressful for both the parent and the child, as the parent may feel pressure to maintain a certain image while the child may be feeling neglected or pressured to meet unrealistic expectations.

Lots more info on Google.

I think everyone comes out with it sometimes, they could be awkward and trying to assert confidence- there’s times I hear myself coming out with crap because I feel out of my depth! Pobody’s nerfect!

There is a difference in encouragingly praising your child in normal tone, in comparison to speaking loudly for attention from other adults around you.