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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ground DD for a week

180 replies

Starfire2000 · 30/05/2025 11:44

Last night DD13 had a meltdown. By the end of it, she had pulled out a handful of my hair, kicked, punched and scratched DH, all while screaming the house down.

I'm at the end of my tether here. I've canceled her friends coming over this weekend as a punishment, and removed her phone and all access to other devices.
My MIL thinks I'm being to harsh, as we suspect Dd is on the spectrum. I don't care, she cannot be allowed to behave like this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Loveduppenguin · 30/05/2025 11:48

I don’t entirely agree with grounding as such and the other thing I don’t really think works is giving a “timeframe”. I would go with something more along the lines of you will get to do XYNZ when you can show me that;

  1. you are sorry for what you did.
  2. You can show me that you understand that what you did was wrong .
  3. You start to show some more respect for us, etc
  4. And whatever cause the meltdown that she can show that going forward, she will try and work with you instead of turning it into a battle

In saying that if you think she is on the spectrum, then you will need to tell that approach according to her and her needs. And if you do think she’s on the spectrum, it would be worthwhile getting her assessed so that you can have a better understanding of what tools you both need to avoid these situations.

Coffeeishot · 30/05/2025 11:49

I don't know about a week of grounding but maybe some quiet time at home decompressing might help her, fwiw it isn't any of Grans business.

jeaux90 · 30/05/2025 11:50

Know this OP a lot of kids on the spectrum have a very hard time or little control over these outbursts. It does get easier and there are forum here for SEN teens etc where you can learn tips but only you can say whether this was a reasonable punishment.

personally I reserve punishment for my DD16 who has AuDHD for actual rule breaking not for her occasional meltdowns she has no control over.

There are many triggers and reasons.

Original poster
Starfire2000 · 30/05/2025 11:57

I should add we are very adept at dealing with DDs outbursts usually, and in order to pre empt this one we even both took the day off work. She was due back from a school trip that we knew would challenge her comfort zone. We made sure the house was quiet and calm, cooked her favourite dinner, let her chill in her sensory swing and then stroked her hair for 2 hours while she watched a film she chose. She was fine. Until it was time for bed and then she exploded. I think it's unacceptable for her to use me as her punch bag.

OP posts:
Arrearing50 · 30/05/2025 11:58

@Starfire2000 ive got two autistic dds, one of whom attacks when melting down. I don’t think the actions are wrong but the language is - she needs a screen and friends break as she’s clearly overwhelmed, so it’s for her sake, not punishment.

a red line is always a red line - when she’s in a better place, have a sit down with her and ask what would’ve helped avoid that - what can you put in place for next time she feels like that?

did you and dh try and get in her face or does she come after you?

Mareleine · 30/05/2025 11:59

I agree with you OP. I think we do children a disservice when we stand back and let them have these meltdowns with no consequences. They need to learn that adults in society can't just flip out whenever they want. I'm sure loads will say the opposite though because it's the trend du jour and god help us when they're all adults still behaving like this.

sesquipedalian · 30/05/2025 12:01

“I've canceled her friends coming over this weekend as a punishment, and removed her phone and all access to other devices.”

For how long have you removed her devices? I would have thought cancelling her friends would have been enough: why does she need to be grounded as well? Of course it’s unacceptable for you to be used as a punch bag - has she apologised? I agree that there needs to be some sanction for such behaviour, but neither too draconian nor too long-lasting.

Arrearing50 · 30/05/2025 12:03

I do agree but you have to understand that very often a lot of punishment language can invoke more meltdowns, so it has really got to be about why did this happen, what were the steps and what can you/we/school do so that you can regulate better.

Whist clearly all acknowledging this was unacceptable behaviour and made you really upset and hurt. If your dd loves you, she already feels awful about what she’s done.

Original poster
Starfire2000 · 30/05/2025 12:04

@Arrearing50 I left the room, she followed and grabbed my hair and ripped it out. Dhs injuries are from when he was getting her off me and removing her to her room.

OP posts:
Riaanna · 30/05/2025 12:07

Starfire2000 · 30/05/2025 11:57

I should add we are very adept at dealing with DDs outbursts usually, and in order to pre empt this one we even both took the day off work. She was due back from a school trip that we knew would challenge her comfort zone. We made sure the house was quiet and calm, cooked her favourite dinner, let her chill in her sensory swing and then stroked her hair for 2 hours while she watched a film she chose. She was fine. Until it was time for bed and then she exploded. I think it's unacceptable for her to use me as her punch bag.

And you think grounding will alter this?

Arrearing50 · 30/05/2025 12:07

Yes my elder dd was like that would actively attack when melting down - very horrible you and dh must both feel really worn out and sad. Very hard too as so much meltdown advice is ‘leave them alone, reduce demands’ - hard when they’re coming after you and won’t leave you alone….

Original poster
Starfire2000 · 30/05/2025 12:07

@Arrearing50 we had already had those conversations around how to help regulate better, hence the tine off work, sensory swing, favourite dinner etc. I'm struggling to not see her as a spoilt brat who attacks me when she doesn't instantly get what she wants. I'm really angry she thinks its ok to attack me.

OP posts:
PoopingAllTheWay · 30/05/2025 12:08

You understand that if she is on the spectrum, Grounding, stopping her seeing her friends & taking her devices away wont stop the meltdowns / anger, Dont you?

TeenToTwenties · 30/05/2025 12:08

If it was a true autistic meltdown then could she actually help herself in the minute? That impacts whether a consequence is warranted in my opinion.

Arrearing50 · 30/05/2025 12:10

I’ve been there too - autistic girls can really look like spoiled brats who’ve been indulged by parents walking on eggshells. I get that too…

somethng is going on with her she’s not coping with.

all I’ll say is punishments never ever worked, they escalated it and her anxiety. Although as I said I’d have done the same actions for the fact that she’s burning out for her sake re phone and reducing social stress.

you’re not alone, I know it feels like that…grandparents aren’t there and don’t understand how awful it feels to be attacked by your child.

Original poster
Starfire2000 · 30/05/2025 12:10

Riaanna, what do you suggest? Just let her rip more hair out next time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Starfire2000 · 30/05/2025 12:14

She can meltdown. She cannot attack me. She has never attacked her friends, its just me. I am done with being her punch bag.

OP posts:
ellie09 · 30/05/2025 12:14

Different answer here than the rest it seems.

I have an ASD son whos a bit younger, but just because he has ASD, doesnt mean he cant be badly behaved in general or "push his luck" so to speak.

A lot of ASD kids will chance their bad behaviour if their parents use ASD etc as an excuse for it, over and over again.

DS used to hit me. He's a big boy for his age and it was doing some damage - black eyes, scratches, bruises. I was basically being beaten by my own child.

I had to start punishing for these meltdowns, as they were becoming more and more frequent. He started to think it was acceptable to act like this any time he got upset, irritated etc.

Your DD is 13 and old enough to know that physical hitting is not ok. If you have already tried other approaches (which I think you said you had), then yes, grounding the child, taking away devices etc like you would with ANY OTHER CHILD is the right thing to do.

The association will soon become clear that reactions like this equals consequences for her. She will then be more receptive of other methods to calm and difuse a situation.

Dont pay any attention to GPs. Their opinions dont matter.

TeenToTwenties · 30/05/2025 12:14

Starfire2000 · 30/05/2025 12:10

Riaanna, what do you suggest? Just let her rip more hair out next time?

Withdrawing before it gets to that stage?

Of course physical violence isn't acceptable. But in a true autistic meltdown they have gone beyond the point of controlling themselves, so punishment after the event isn't going to change behaviour. Or at least that is my understanding.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 30/05/2025 12:15

I have 2 teens with asd. Raising hands is something I have never dealt with. But mil isn't raising your dc.
Can't get past you stroking her hair for 2 hours.. Has she any respect for you usually? Seems not. Imo.

BrunchBarBandit · 30/05/2025 12:15

We’re generally non-reactive to DS meltdowns but he does have a consequence for hitting. He has 24 hours no phone/computer, no negotiation. The hitting has reduced so he is learning to control lashing out physically. After a meltdown if he has hit out then he generally acknowledges and apologises.

What was hard to learn as a parent was that dealing out punishments during the meltdown made things worse.

Riaanna · 30/05/2025 12:18

Starfire2000 · 30/05/2025 12:10

Riaanna, what do you suggest? Just let her rip more hair out next time?

I would suggest ensuring her needs are met so she doesn’t reach that point.

Are you suggesting that grounding her will stop it from happening? Because if yes then she is in control and it isn’t an autistic melt down. Decide what this is. Is this about helping her regulating her emotions and being ok or punishing her?

Mrsttcno1 · 30/05/2025 12:19

I think if you do believe her to be on the spectrum then you need to be pushing for an assessment because if she is, then yes YABU for punishing her for something that is possibly entirely out of her control.

If she is NT & behaving like this to be a spoilt brat then yes, absolutely punish.

If she is ND though it is not that simple and you’d be punishing her for something she possibly has no control over- you wouldn’t punish a child in a wheelchair for not walking or a blind child for not being able to see.

pikkumyy77 · 30/05/2025 12:20

What about the safety of the friends? If the melt down and violence is uncontrollable then the friends, too, are in danger. If overstimulation is an issue—the excuse—then screens are contraindicated.

Original poster
Starfire2000 · 30/05/2025 12:20

Rianna, Did you miss the previous post where I said I took the day off work to help her regulate?

@ellie09 I'm glad to hear your opinion. Sanity is needed here. She would never behave like this in front of her friends or teachers.

OP posts: