To ground DD for a week

[Starfire2000]

Last night DD13 had a meltdown. By the end of it, she had pulled out a handful of my hair, kicked, punched and scratched DH, all while screaming the house down.

I'm at the end of my tether here. I've canceled her friends coming over this weekend as a punishment, and removed her phone and all access to other devices.
My MIL thinks I'm being to harsh, as we suspect Dd is on the spectrum. I don't care, she cannot be allowed to behave like this. AIBU?

I would suggest getting her assessed ASAP if you can. I'm really clear with my Sen son though, yes you find emotional regulation harder - we will help you, we will provide space for you to regulate, we will provide tools to help, it's a skill we will help you learn, there are cushions you can punch. However, he needs to spot his triggers, understand when he's heading for meltdown and get himself to a space he can either regulate or meltdown then regulate.
At 13 she can probably spot things making her feel wobbly, she can know what to do when she feels this way. It's literally not viable to send her out into the world if she could exhibit this level of meltdown without seeing it coming or knowing what to do when it's coming. So I'd suggest a professional and an assessment to see where she's at, because if it's as you see it (that she might be nd but she can manage things to the extent she's chosen to use you as a punchbag) then you're right that there should be a consequence. If she's not in that place ND wise, and she literally has no control over it, then there's a much bigger issue going on.

Well it's none of your mil's business is it? How does she even know? I would not be telling her anything in future. You know your child best and if she's being a little madam, even if she is on the spectrum then fair is fair. And yes (before anyone piles on) I have been in a very similar position myself with DD. We had her assessed. Not on the spectrum but suspected be by teachers etc.

I know I’m late to this discussion but wanted to share my own experiences as an autistic adult and parent to an autistic child.

For both myself and my daughter if we’d come home from an overstimulating event we’d need time away from everyone. Just time alone either playing solo games (solitaire for me on the old 90s computers!) or reading or watching something comforting alone away from everyone. Did your daughter want you there while she unwound?

The other thing is the violence in a meltdown. It’s this massive pent up of emotions that feels stuck and then explode in frustration and anger. I’ve never lashed out and my daughter hasn’t lashed out since about 8 yo but we both self harm with it. There could be alternative outlets for that frustrating eruption. Maybe hitting a pillow or get her an actual punch bag or throw bean bags at a wall?

This age is also soooo difficult with hormones. They are all over the place and it definitely makes the emotions harder to regulate. I was still having (private) meltdowns in my early 20s and struggled so much with PMS.

I’m not going to tell you if you should or shouldn’t punish/ground your child but remember these big emotions during meltdowns are hard to control. I know for me the self loathing was punishment in itself. I also know I was often told to apologise but couldn’t understand apologising for being me and feeling. Most of my feelings now are very muted and I wonder if that’s from years of oppressing them so I didn’t get told off.

As a mum with a SEND child this comment really caught my attention. YOU and her father are her safe zone and therfore yes she is more likely to attack you, it shouldn't happen but it does. Her friends aren't her safe zone. YOU ARE!

SEND kids minds work differently and I do think you've gone overboard. Stopping friends coming over OR removing devices which ever one will have the most impact. She's just come back from a school trip where's been away from her comfort zone. Of course she's going to be hyper and she just needed to explode. I'd try and sit down with her, get her to apologise and say why it can't happen again.

Parenting send is hard and it has to be done differently! Removing devices, stopping friends and grounding is too much.

I know for me the self loathing was punishment in itself. I also know I was often told to apologise but couldn’t understand apologising for being me and feeling. Most of my feelings now are very muted and I wonder if that’s from years of oppressing them so I didn’t get told off.

@schoolstruggle I think this is something that people often feel - I feel this very strongly myself, and I felt that way as a child too. It's a factor in anxiety and depression. And I also know that's not right (though I still find it very hard to act on that knowledge!) Self loathing internalises the punishment in a way that helps nobody.

It can actually be less terrible for a child who is prone to self-loathing to be given a finite external punishment and to apologise; and then the badness is "spent" and you are forgiven and you can all put it aside and move on. So you don't have to punish yourself.

The apology is needed as well as the external punishment because an apology is not about "being you" or your feelings at all, it's really about your actions and their effect on the other person and on the other person's feelings. We all hurt other people sometimes, accidentally or deliberately. Some of us find it very difficult to apologise or to feel forgiven.

Did your parents "tell you off" without acknowkedging your feelings and without giving you a sense of being forgiven afterwards? Some parents don't put that across very well, and some children don't pick forgiveness up easily and need extra reassurance and clarity about it. (Not saying I always succeeded with that as a parent!) It's important not to make a child promise never to do it again, especially not an autistic child. Because they may not be able to keep the promise, or they may not feel able to promise honestly because they might lose control again, and that's a real mindfuck. All you're trying to get across is an understanding that they shouldn't have done it and an intention to find a better way.

My DC finds it just as hard to apologise as I do. I treasure the apologies that he has managed to make. We apologise to people for the same kind of reason we say "thank you" for gifts we don't want at all. We recognise and respect their feelings. They had a generous impulse towards us so we say thank you for the gift even though we didn't want the hideous item. Our actions hurt and frightened someone so we apologise for the unacceptable thing we did. Even if we had strong reasons to do it.

(edited for annoying typo)