Calling out my mum’s bad presents?

[Rhinestonerhi]

I’m 26 and for my entire life my mum has ALWAYS bought me gifts I don’t like and it upsets me because it makes me think she doesn’t know me. I find this really hard to believe because I have very obvious interests and hobbies that I talk about and a clear sense of style. I’m not hard to buy for, all my other friends and family do very well and I love their presents.

My mum wears lots of extremely bright colours with extravagant patterns and chunky jewellery, whereas Im a lot more minimalistic and stick very much to black, navy, neutrals, white and sometimes red. I’m extremely boring in comparison. I sometimes feel like she’s trying to project her style onto me. When I was a kid, she would offer to take me clothes shopping but only if she got to pick the clothes.

My mum and I have an odd relationship. I love her but she can be quite controlling whilst also acting like a bit of a victim at the same time. She’ll say something very insulting and then get upset if you respond. She’s also quite selfish and in her own world all the time but expects you to be there at the drop of a hat. My older brother has gone completely no contact with her for this reason but I’m trying to keep the peace.

Just last year she bought me a bedding set and some throw pillows with a really bright, neon pattern of some herons. They were lovely but I never put them on the bed. I’ve got a navy and white theme in my bedroom and have white linen sheets, I always have and she knows this. I wasn’t overly bothered cause it’s typical for my mum to buy presents in her own style rather than that of who she’s buying for.

Anyway, it was my birthday yesterday and I couldn’t really believe what she got me. She bought me a ridiculous baby blue cable knit wool jumper with a massive frill neckline and frilly sleeves. It was so ugly and made me look like a clown lizard when I tried it on later that night. I never wear baby blue, it’s like nothing she’d ever seen me wear before so I don’t see what motivated her to buy that. Also she knows I can’t stand the feeling of wool on my skin and who on earth buys wool as a present in May? She also bought me a bright pink fluffy clutch bag which makes no sense and a lime green sequin t-shirt. I haven’t worn sequins since I was a child because they irritate my arms and she knows this.

I’d like to think that these presents are just her picking out stuff that SHE likes and wants to see me in but after this year I’m starting to think maybe she’s picking awful stuff on purpose. Like come on, can you be THAT bad at presents?

last night I got quite upset about the presents. Not because I wanted something off her, but because my own mother doesn’t know me well enough to buy me just one thing I’d like after all these years. I said to her ‘do you even know anything about me? You know I can’t wear sequins or wool and you’ve never seen me wear these colours?’ I mentioned the bedding as well and asked if she’d ever seen me with anything other than white bedding.
she got really upset and called me ungrateful and left.

AIBU?

YANBU. What do you do with the gifts, does she end up getting them back and then wearing them herself?

I feel your pain. I'm almost 60 and my DM is still doing this. It pisses me off immensely because, as you say, it's like she can't be bothered to either ask me what I'd like or think about it. She either buys me books I already own, or am not interested in reading. Or she buys me clothes I'd never wear.

My shit gifts in the past have included a massive book on 'Dreams - and How to Interpret them'. Obviously she bought a couple of copies cheaply somewhere as I was gifted this on two Christmasses in a row. On a side note neither she nor I believe that dreams have any kind of meaning and are not interested in this sort of guff.

I've also been given things where she's genuinely said something along the lines of 'I can't imagine anyone will want this - so I'm giving it to you'. She once gave me a book which listed the main dishes of UK counties and described them - but didn't have the recipe. WTF? Like I need to read a description of what Yorkshire Pudding is? (Yorkshire pudding is a traditional British dish made from a simple batter of eggs, flour, and milk (or water). It's baked in the oven, where it puffs up into a light, crispy, and golden-brown pudding with a soft, slightly chewy interior.)

I'm not hard to buy for. I like a book token. I'm now blatantly rude when she buys me something I don't want and say bluntly, 'I've already got this book' or something similar.

Hey, good for you for calling her out on it. What's her goal here? Is she innocently persisting in case one day you want to join her in bright colours and sequins, if only she can show you the way? Or is it a passive aggressive attack?

@Rhinestonerhi The other thing about the clothes she buys me is that she generally buys me a size 12 or 14.

I'm a size 20.

@Hatty65 The Yorkshire pudding bit made me laugh. God I'm sorry, what a knob.

@DidILeaveTheGasOn I know - I've had some utterly bizarre gifts from her (generally stuff she's ordered from some catalogue and been disappointed with, I suspect). One year for my birthday (July) I got given some beige suede fur lined mittens, a bit like oven gloves.

Does anyone, anywhere still wear mittens? In July?

I bet they were cheap.

Some people are just like this. My in laws are. They choose presents they want to buy, they don't focus much at all on what the recipient would like. I've received various ugly jumpers and scarves in MiLs style over the years. I just thank them graciously, wear on the day and shove them in the cupboard afterwards.

I'd say it's might be that she can't visualise other people's likes and just buys what she likes, imagining they will like it too. She might be doing it more for you as her daughter, projecting what you SHOULD like onto you.

I think there can be a point for many as an adult when you realise your parents don't know you very well anymore.

If the presents thing was the only issue, I’d say to just let it go, but given the other things you’ve said about her, I do think it’s more than just being crap at gifts. She sounds like a very difficult character all round - she must be bloody hard work if your brother’s given up on her. She sounds like someone with a huge ego who thrives on attention and drama and is also hyper-sensitive to rejection, which is a very tedious set of traits in a person.

If she calms down enough to have a normal conversation about this, I would be inclined to suggest that you just stop exchanging gifts in future to remove the potential for future conflict.

I think some people are just crap at gift giving, they buy something they like or want rather than the recipient.

My MIL once bought me a mirrored picture frame with diamantés spelling ‘family’ across it. I was very amused she would think I’d like it as I have nothing like that in my house.

"My older brother has gone completely no contact with her for this reason but I’m trying to keep the peace."

Peace will be kept far better by following your brother's lead. Contact just leaves you upset.

I imagine it is not worth the effort in trying to explain to her any longer. Just take the gift then donate it.
Your style is not boring in comparison to your mother’s style btw. Your style is yours. You sound sophisticated with good taste. Don’t devalue yourself.

My mother has always been exactly the same. Gift-giving, controlling, acting the victim, the drama (dropping everything to help her). With the gift giving, some years I would get given left-over Christmas presents that no-one wanted, other years it would be things that were extremely expensive that I completely had no use for, but if I didn't use them or if I was cross about something, she would guilt-trip me about the amount of money she spent. When I called her out about it, she would call me ungrateful and that I was imagining things. And when I talked to anyone about it, like my aunties, she would deny and laugh and just be horrible to me.

The thing is, I would not have cared what she had gotten me, if it was cheap or second-hand, if she had only shown an interest in me and cared enough to give me something I needed or could use. For comparison, her mum used to work at a second-hand store where she buy enough to stuff a pillow-slip full with age-appropriate toys and books. It was so nice getting things where someone had thought about me and what I would like.

I realise now that she had her favourites, from early childhood on, and I was rated last out of 5 children. The favouritism doesn't bother me now, or at least, I don't ruminate like I did when I couldn't understand why it hurt so much. I tried for years to get closer to her, but her lack of interest and continual attempts to control me and manipulate just ate away at whatever desire I had for a better relationship.

OP could you possibly return the gifts and get something wearable? Those gifts sound very odd, not as if they even matched. I'd be inclined to ask her not to bother in future.

There are plenty of people that are shit gift givers.

my ExH was one of them.

it’s generally not considered ok to call people out on it.

DS is like this - but thankfully she likes to work from lists; I'm generally in the position to buy whatever I want, but about three months before each birthday/Christmas I start adding things to a list & resist buying them for myself.
Very dodgy when she goes off piste or I can't think of a list😂

This week I went to an exhibition with a friend, she bought me a piece that I fell in love with for my birthday, not esp. related to the thread, but I am so touched and delighted with it.

You had me at the neon heron bedding and the clown lizard jumper but the lime sequin t shirt was too much 😂surely, surely this can't be real... if it is, then obviously yanbu!

OP, everyone thinks they are tremendously easy to buy for, and it’s not always the case. Do you ever ask her for something? Most mothers don’t actually want to upset their children, especially over presents, but we all get it wrong sometimes. I find it much easier when my DC ask for something, rather than having to find something they might or might not like - but I would always give clothing with a gift receipt. It’s not so much that your DM doesn’t know you as that she perhaps buys something she would like - it’s hard to buy something you don’t care for yourself unless it’s been specifically requested. You’ve upset her by calling out her presents - next time, ask for something specific!

Me and my two sisters and my mum and dad just write lists for birthdays and Christmas and bypass all the awkward pretending to like what other people choose stuff.

Yes, you don’t get surprises but at least you don’t get lime green sequined t shirts and clown lizard costumes 😂

I think some people just lack the ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes. They buy gifts that they would like and think the recipient will like it too. I don't think it's helpful to take offence and get upset that your mum isn't able to see 'who you are'.

I do think buying clothes for someone else is a very tricky thing to get right. I don't buy clothes for people unless they're cosy pj's or basics like nice branded pants, joggers or t-shirts for my grown up sons. I would suggest to your mum that she gets you a voucher or cash so you can shop for something for yourself - tell her that you don't want her to waste her money buying things that don't suit you and you won't wear.

I remember watching a grumpy old women program where they were talking about presents. One made me laugh out loud, the husband bought his wife a manicure set that consisted of 6 nail clippers in various sizes from tiny to absolutely huge . They were in a red suedette pouch. The wife thought he’d bought them because they were red and therefore obviously Christmassy.

Some of these are ridiculous! OP your mum sounds very much like mine, not so much about the presents but in general. I’ve persuaded mine down the vouchers/Secret Santa route but it’s always a bit interesting 🤦🏻

What's her attitude like when she gives you the presents. Is she gleefully pleased with herself for finding you the exact right present that she knows you'll be delighted with?

Or is she really not interested in what your reaction is and just carries on talking about herself something else?

If she is clearly expecting you'll love it then it would be very mean to reject her gift (and very bad manners). If it's a wind-up, then she deserves what's coming!

I think gauging her intention will probably suggest how you should respond.

I want that poster who does the Ai pictures to do a clown lizard.

🦎🤡

I can relate, I feel your frustration as my mum has become increasingly poor at gift giving over the years and looks for a reaction to check if I don't like something (can't really say anything in case it upsets her which is a whole other issue). At Christmas I got money (which I was grateful for), a large practical men's wooly hat and a pair of gloves aged something like 5-8 ie for children. They had a shark design on them!! I think it very much depends on your relationship as to how you respond etc - with my mum it's not worth causing a fuss as she doesn't really care if I like something - she just wants to feel good giving a gift. If I've gently said in the past something is maybe not my style she'll come back about someone in the shop or someone she knows recommending it - the implication being that their opinion matters more than mine. that reaction annoys me more than the annoying gifts so I don't say anything and then just forget about it. Not saying that's the right approach for you