Calling out my mum’s bad presents?

[Rhinestonerhi]

I’m 26 and for my entire life my mum has ALWAYS bought me gifts I don’t like and it upsets me because it makes me think she doesn’t know me. I find this really hard to believe because I have very obvious interests and hobbies that I talk about and a clear sense of style. I’m not hard to buy for, all my other friends and family do very well and I love their presents.

My mum wears lots of extremely bright colours with extravagant patterns and chunky jewellery, whereas Im a lot more minimalistic and stick very much to black, navy, neutrals, white and sometimes red. I’m extremely boring in comparison. I sometimes feel like she’s trying to project her style onto me. When I was a kid, she would offer to take me clothes shopping but only if she got to pick the clothes.

My mum and I have an odd relationship. I love her but she can be quite controlling whilst also acting like a bit of a victim at the same time. She’ll say something very insulting and then get upset if you respond. She’s also quite selfish and in her own world all the time but expects you to be there at the drop of a hat. My older brother has gone completely no contact with her for this reason but I’m trying to keep the peace.

Just last year she bought me a bedding set and some throw pillows with a really bright, neon pattern of some herons. They were lovely but I never put them on the bed. I’ve got a navy and white theme in my bedroom and have white linen sheets, I always have and she knows this. I wasn’t overly bothered cause it’s typical for my mum to buy presents in her own style rather than that of who she’s buying for.

Anyway, it was my birthday yesterday and I couldn’t really believe what she got me. She bought me a ridiculous baby blue cable knit wool jumper with a massive frill neckline and frilly sleeves. It was so ugly and made me look like a clown lizard when I tried it on later that night. I never wear baby blue, it’s like nothing she’d ever seen me wear before so I don’t see what motivated her to buy that. Also she knows I can’t stand the feeling of wool on my skin and who on earth buys wool as a present in May? She also bought me a bright pink fluffy clutch bag which makes no sense and a lime green sequin t-shirt. I haven’t worn sequins since I was a child because they irritate my arms and she knows this.

I’d like to think that these presents are just her picking out stuff that SHE likes and wants to see me in but after this year I’m starting to think maybe she’s picking awful stuff on purpose. Like come on, can you be THAT bad at presents?

last night I got quite upset about the presents. Not because I wanted something off her, but because my own mother doesn’t know me well enough to buy me just one thing I’d like after all these years. I said to her ‘do you even know anything about me? You know I can’t wear sequins or wool and you’ve never seen me wear these colours?’ I mentioned the bedding as well and asked if she’d ever seen me with anything other than white bedding.
she got really upset and called me ungrateful and left.

AIBU?

YANBU, tell her that you’d prefer not to exchange gifts anymore.

I bet you you put a lot of thought into what you give her. Time to stop all of that.

Or just start buying her awful stuff as well.

If you believe that she’s controlling….why give her the power to upset you like this?

Look at the effect that a jumper and some bedding has had on you. Can you see the control it has over your emotions?

You have to cut the emotional tie you have linked to the presents with your relationship with your mum. You’re using it as a proxy for all that is wrong in the relationship.

Who cares that it’s ugly bedding or jumper. Smile, say thanks and drop it off at the charity the next again day. Don’t feel any guilt over it. If you’ve asked her to stop buying ugly gifts but she continues, then feel no shame in getting rid of it.

Don’t let this have power over you. Dont like them, get rid of them. Think no more about it.

Your actual issue isn’t with the presents, it’s to do with the relationship with your mum but that will only improve when you realise she doesn’t have actual control over your emotions and life. Start by not giving a fuck about some shitty present and set yourself free from it.

Your mum sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies or a personality disorder. My mum is the same and I had to go no contact for years.
The present giving thing is typical as everything has to be about them, not you. My mum would never buy me something I wanted or needed, only what she wanted to buy me which ended up being very expensive things I couldn’t use or want in my home. Funnily enough though when it was her birthday she would ask for what she wanted or return gifts to me that she didn’t like! She’d buy my brother gifts she knew I would have adored. It’s all about control and division and drama.

Am extension of collecting and hoarding maybe?

To perform the MN bingo, my mother does this. And she's a narcissist. It's not to say yours is by only this description, maybe this is the only way in which she manipulates. Most parents don't have children who find them so foul they have gone no contact though. And your mum already has one child no contact, and another on here taking about their mistreatment. That's not normal. And I suspect mistreatment being normalised has been a theme for so many years, it is your normal now.

I found your post so sad, because I know it runs so much deeper than this. The poking fun at how difficult you are you buy for, is not innocent fun, it's gaslighting. Because you know everyone else manages just fine. Yet she has to announce it, to make it clear to anyone present that you're the problem here, you know, like you usually are, but don't worry, here she is working around silly difficult little you like she's done her whole life, being the star she is.

The buying deliberately bad gifts then pearl clutching and turning on you if you call her out on what she full well knows she's done? Can you imagine doing that to your child? Now see how awful it is. We've just been conditioned by these people for so many years to think the way they behave is what any other mother does.

I'm taking the steps now, to remove myself. After decades of not living my life the way I should, always feeling "how will she judge me and ostracize me" and not making decisions that would have made me life so much better because of what she'd have to say about it, the penny has finally dropped. She's just a person. She's not a God or higher being. You owe her nothing. She's just made you feel like you owe her everything.

Start stepping away.

OMG that's just horrible. I'm shocked. It almost sounds deliberately unkind. I'm sorry.

I clicked on this thinking it was about people getting things sllighly wrong but trying. I have sympathy with this because I'm not brilliant with this but fret endlessly about it. I buy experiences now. I don't mean hot air ballooning but something like tokens for a nice lunch/massage/afternoon tea which seem to have more margin for error.

OP you maybe have to give your mum a list of options or to give you the gift receipt as some of the things she buys are absolutely vile don't fit.

OP you need to get over this.

You don't have the power to make your mother suddenly start giving you thoughtful gifts.
We don't get to choose our mothers and we can't change them.
I have a very unsupportive mother, she usually gives me Bayliss and Harding stuff, or cutsie stuffed toys ( I am in my 60s).

Lessen the emotional connection to your mothers gift choices- that is under your control.
Look at other ways too- could you agree a financial limit on gifts perhaps.

Otherwise you have to suck it up. I have accepted that my mother has no interest in who I really am- and that's ok with me.
I do donate unwanted stuff to charity shops or a local women's shelter.

I also agree with this but it often takes time to build up to this. It's a rubbish club to belong to!

My mother was like this. Would buy me things she liked, was constantly nagging me to buy clothes in her favourite shop which was far too old for me. Eventually she went to cheques. I see it like the Op as not really knowing me as a person in my own right. Far too self absorbed .

She also weaponised gifts. If you upset her the value went right down. I don't miss her at all (NC).

People saying ‘some people are bad at gifts’ are missing the point.

op I’ve got a daughter your age. She doesn’t have loads of money so gifts matter to her. So I ask her what she wants. Sometimes we shop together and that’s lovely but she chooses.

if I got her something she didn’t need or like and told me I’d say ‘ah sorry maybe that ones for me - what would you like instead or shall we swap it…’

that is normal people who like each other and get on. Your mum doing the sulking act is being a narc

To avoid whining shit like that I always photograph and send a picture of what I intend to buy to my dc with a message - want this? This way I eliminate ungratefulness and obviously, the collateral damage is that there is bugger all surprise.

I have a relative who does this. They just keep doing it despite it being said many times that gifts are not necessary, suggesting going out for a meal and spending time together instead to avoid them wasting their money again. They don’t seem to grasp that it’s unreasonable to expect someone to be grateful for something they didn’t ask for and don’t want. In fact what they are actually doing is making me feel bad for my birthday! Still don’t get it, never will. Now I either give them a specific list of things that I would like (which I hate doing as it feels grabby) or I just say thank you, then give the gift away or charity shop it.

My Ex H only buys our kids things he likes. Luckily there are areas their interests coincide, so he usually gets them things they both like. If we had a child who he shared no interests with, he would not be capable of putting himself in their shoes and buying them something they like but he has no interest in.

He is autistic and his expression is at the extreme end. To him, there are no experiences but his own. He is not cognitively capable of understanding his sons do not like something he does. The only way to experience it, is the way he does.

If his son’s ever rejected a present he would also be very wounded and upset. Because the only feelings that exist to him are his own.

Could your Mum be like this?

My mum bought me over the counter herbal sleeping tablets for Christmas last year…!

My MIL is like this. It's so hard as she also does it for both boys too so our house is constantly filled with crap. I try and donate and give away to charity as much as possible.

She tries to give me clothes of hers that she doesn't want or didn't suit her. She's a size 22 and I'm a size 14! So she'll hand me these dresses or tops and say oh this wasn't quite my style if you'd like to have them? She's just too lazy to take them back to the shop (still have receipts on them) then I get lumbered with them. It's very annoying and I can't criticise as it's MIL.

I also have a mother like this. If it was the odd occasion you’d laugh it off. But it’s not. It’s every birthday. Every Christmas. And that really stings.

Sibling always got what they asked for which made it even more hurtful to be gifted e.g. a packet of flowery knickers for age 5 when I was in my 20s. No she didn’t forget her glasses - you know when you’re in the children’s vs women’s section of a shop FFS.

I called it out. I tried asking for something specific. I tried saying I didn’t want anything at all. I told her I took everything back/exchanged it (got called an ungrateful bitch for that one). She carried on doing it.

For a raft of other reasons we are blissfully NC now. I’d examine why you feel the need to carry on keeping the peace as you describe it.

I'm 61 and it's taken me 40 years but I've finally got there.
Start by asking for the receipt. Say nothing else. Keep doing it. Eventually (15 years or so) my mum started putting the receipt in the gift bag.
Phase two (15 - 25 years) - Gentle questioning. Why have you done this? Build up to offering suggestions and a list. She will still go off list but you then have written proof (keep a copy as evidence) that you can wave at her.
Phase 3 (25 - 35 years) - you are now at the stage when you can laugh incredulously at the shit she is presenting you with. Keep going with the receipts and lists. Do not waver. Start reducing the number of items on the list.
Phase 4 - there is now only 1 item on the list with another as a possible alternative. Should neither be available she is now suitably trained to realise that she needs to phone and ask. Reply in writing so there is evidence.
Good luck OP.

This isn't just about being a bad gift giver. If it was, once you'd pointed out that e.g. the bedding was lovely but didn't match your colour scheme she would have apologised, and made efforts to "fix" the problem.

I know the words is banded about a lot, but her reaction and your description of other behaviours does suggest she has narcissitic traits if not full blown narcissism. The fact your brother has already gone NC further supports this.

With this sort of parents you need to set very strong boundaries. You've made a start. However your mother has tantrummed and left. Can I ask what would normally happen when she behaves like this (yes, I've made the assumption this is normal behaviour for her)? If, as I suspect, the answer is that she ignores you until you apologise (even though you have nothing to apologise for) then change the narrative. Don't go running and apologise. Wait for her to come to you.

Set your boundary around presents. I'd suggest either "don't give me presents" or "perhaps you could select something from a list I give you". If she ignores it, unless she's miraculously picked an amazing gift, then just give her the gift back. It's not generous to give someone something they have told you they don't want. Most gift givers want the person receiving the gift to like it!

This made me laugh. It is so like my mum although in her case I know she is trying and missing the mark. Although now elderly and overweight in her heyday my mum could have been a model or fashion buyer and she managed to give birth to two daughters who hate clothes shopping and are happiest in jeans or leggings. She loves bright colours, has never worn a pair of trousers in her life and is always immaculately made up. Even now she often gets complimented when we are out for her clothes and general put togetherness. We have managed to make her present giving a joke and she now leaves all labels and receipts with presents as she knows most of them will go straight back to the shop. She can be controlling but she has the grace to know the joke is on her and accepts it all with reasonably good grace. I will say she still annoys us by asking when we are going to change our clothes when we are all going out together and sis and I have no intention of wearing anything other than what we already have on. We must immeasurably frustrate her.

I'm shit at gifts. I just tend to stick to boring obvious stuff now as it is safer. If I put too much thought into things I tend to get it wrong.

It tends to be booze, beauty products, chocolate or plants now, or a food hamper. Half of the stuff I buy OH is unworn even though it is just plain functional stuff as similar to what he buys himself, so I have no idea what to get him anymore.

I have someone like this. They clearly buy loads of shit from B&M/Home Bargains and then just gift it to anyone. I just think, ooh stock for my Vinted account 💰

The point is, it is not about the presents. You can get scrappy presents from a nice person, and because you like them and/or mutually respect one another, scrappy presents don't matter. However, when the present comes from someone with whom you are struggling with, where you feel they don't like/love you and the respect is precarious, it is so much deeper than just a crappy present.

For example, my Mil buys crap, cheap presents but they are always on time, usable and always accompanied by a sweet card. There is something nice about receiving them in the post, knowing she has remembered us and is thinking about us. Like, here is a little something for you, and how are you going? It is a warm hug.

In comparison, my own mother is controlling and manipulative, plays favourites and power-games with her kids and grand-kids, and either doesn't send anything, or sends something late, or sends money weeks or months later. If we receive nothing, we cannot address it (one grand-kid will get something, the other nothing, or it will be grossly unequal) or she will tantrum. If we don't reciprocate, she tantrums and contacts us constantly about non-birthday things before her birthday. So, like the OP means, any present is a reflection of her thoughts and care towards us.

Another one with a mother like yours OP. I've tried the list thing but she can't even be arsed to look at that now and demands to know what i want (and all other family members) and gets very cross when i can't/won't tell her immediately. She then will ignore what she's been told or tell you it's too expensive (she's loaded and has form for randomly spending a fortune some years but then will berate anyone who assumes that suggesting anything in that price range in future years) I now tell her I want a surprise as it irritates the hell out of her and the outcome is the same but takes up less head space for me. It just ties into the whole vibe she had about me being a nuisance that was foisted on her. Conversely she expects everyone to get her amazing presents and got very very upset at my SIL over year who got her a voucher (note DM did not get upset with my DB - just the woman he's married to).

I get ya too - and agree with people mentioning that your mother is a narcissists. My own mother would say yes i will get you something for your birthdya but it wont be the FCUK stuff you are asking for ( Like i did in the 90's). I remember her telling me she would buy me a gold ring for my 18th - i don't wear yellow gold really, mid 40's and still don't wear it- she was adamant she wasn't buying a silver or white gold ring - my sister wears the ring the whole time now . I have risen above it now, yes it hurts that my own mother doesn't know me well enough that way - but i cant change her now. So i just smile say thank you - then sell donate or whatever with what she has given me

YANBU @Rhinestonerhi - well done for pushing back.

but this bit did make me laugh: “My mum wears lots of extremely bright colours with extravagant patterns and chunky jewellery,”
Is your actual Mum Prue Leith?!