Calling out my mum’s bad presents?

[Rhinestonerhi]

I’m 26 and for my entire life my mum has ALWAYS bought me gifts I don’t like and it upsets me because it makes me think she doesn’t know me. I find this really hard to believe because I have very obvious interests and hobbies that I talk about and a clear sense of style. I’m not hard to buy for, all my other friends and family do very well and I love their presents.

My mum wears lots of extremely bright colours with extravagant patterns and chunky jewellery, whereas Im a lot more minimalistic and stick very much to black, navy, neutrals, white and sometimes red. I’m extremely boring in comparison. I sometimes feel like she’s trying to project her style onto me. When I was a kid, she would offer to take me clothes shopping but only if she got to pick the clothes.

My mum and I have an odd relationship. I love her but she can be quite controlling whilst also acting like a bit of a victim at the same time. She’ll say something very insulting and then get upset if you respond. She’s also quite selfish and in her own world all the time but expects you to be there at the drop of a hat. My older brother has gone completely no contact with her for this reason but I’m trying to keep the peace.

Just last year she bought me a bedding set and some throw pillows with a really bright, neon pattern of some herons. They were lovely but I never put them on the bed. I’ve got a navy and white theme in my bedroom and have white linen sheets, I always have and she knows this. I wasn’t overly bothered cause it’s typical for my mum to buy presents in her own style rather than that of who she’s buying for.

Anyway, it was my birthday yesterday and I couldn’t really believe what she got me. She bought me a ridiculous baby blue cable knit wool jumper with a massive frill neckline and frilly sleeves. It was so ugly and made me look like a clown lizard when I tried it on later that night. I never wear baby blue, it’s like nothing she’d ever seen me wear before so I don’t see what motivated her to buy that. Also she knows I can’t stand the feeling of wool on my skin and who on earth buys wool as a present in May? She also bought me a bright pink fluffy clutch bag which makes no sense and a lime green sequin t-shirt. I haven’t worn sequins since I was a child because they irritate my arms and she knows this.

I’d like to think that these presents are just her picking out stuff that SHE likes and wants to see me in but after this year I’m starting to think maybe she’s picking awful stuff on purpose. Like come on, can you be THAT bad at presents?

last night I got quite upset about the presents. Not because I wanted something off her, but because my own mother doesn’t know me well enough to buy me just one thing I’d like after all these years. I said to her ‘do you even know anything about me? You know I can’t wear sequins or wool and you’ve never seen me wear these colours?’ I mentioned the bedding as well and asked if she’d ever seen me with anything other than white bedding.
she got really upset and called me ungrateful and left.

AIBU?

@Rhinestonerhi this was my mum. She would buy really expensive stuff for me- not clothes, but jewellery- it was her style =flamboyant and loud. It was not mine at all. If used to make me sad that she either didn’t know me well enough or that she didn’t care. She certainly had enmeshment issues with me. I have had years of therapy to try and get over the damage done.

OP we have the same mother! She briefly stopped this after I told her I had bagged up the unwanted clothing and dropped them off at a charity shop. She then switched to buying random perfume even though I've used the same one for several years...

I can sympathise too. My parents did this and it also hurt my feelings, felt like they didn’t know me or even care that much.
As a child most my presents were books, I did like to read but when you get 15 presents and 13 of them are books it was a bit disappointing and felt lazy on their part. And now as an adult, the worst was when they bought me a fountain pen for my 30th - the most random rubbish gift. If I worked in an office maybe it would make sense but I’m a stay at home mum - some jewellery, perfume, a day out, literally anything but a fountain pen??

It's not about the stuff, it's the sentiment
I tried everything, for years. My DF actively told other family members not to buy vouchers or give cash as I'd only 'buy things for my house', well yes, I like doing that.
I have had some right shockers, some very similar to what OP describes. Because it's the hurt if not being 'known at all' by a supposed loved one that hurts.
But then on my 40th, I was slung £50 to my bank, with no message. When she found out about all the really thoughtful gifts from friends and family, she panic ordered a rose bush. Actually quite a thoughtful gift, especially with the name it has. Except that we were about to leave in a 3 week holiday and it was one of our summer heatwaves here. So I was on my hands and knees at 10pm, a few hours before a flight, planting a rose bush so it wouldn't die.

You're trying to keep the peace, but it's not working. You are not peaceful but knotted up inside. Stuff like this has to go somewhere, at the moment you're absorbing it. Your, brother is keeping the peace by going no contact, no drama and at peace with himself

My mum and I have an odd relationship. I love her but she can be quite controlling whilst also acting like a bit of a victim at the same time. She’ll say something very insulting and then get upset if you respond. She’s also quite selfish and in her own world all the time but expects you to be there at the drop of a hat. My older brother has gone completely no contact with her for this reason but I’m trying to keep the peace.

OP this is your actual problem, not the shit gifts. The gifts are a symptom of it but they're not the real issue, which is that your mum is a dickhead and you don't feel loved by her.

"Calling out the presents" will do sod all to solve anything. Your mum will go into full victim mode and cry, you'll have a massive argument and you'll feel shit for ages afterwards. The presents won't improve and nor will her behaviour.

The only thing that will help the situation is if you accept that this is who she is and for the love of god stop bending over backwards to "keep the peace". This may require therapy to come to terms with the fact that you're not going to get the warm, loving, maternal relationship with her that you understandably crave. But really, you should be seeing what your brother's done as an example to yourself.

YNBU,but some people can not buy presents. My mum refuses to buy presents as she says she hates trying to choose and will always get it wrong, for everyone. She can't seem to grasp the concept of buying for another persons tastes. Anyway, she now says to us to choose a gift up to a certain amount depending on her budget that year (usually between 50 and 150) and this year I asked for a hair cut.
Can you suggest to your mum that from now in you do something like that or say, mum this year I dont want a gift, can we go to the theatre, or I really need my nails done.

I do think lots of people but things that they think are nice.

I would feel uncomfortable buying something that I thought looked hideous for someone (even if it was their style and thought what I wore looked hideous).

It’s difficult to say if it’s simply her trying to be kind but being a bit narrow sighted or if she’s being controlling.

Could you not ask for money instead?
Say you want to get your hair done or are saving for a holiday etc and would prefer money to go towards that.

Or say I’ve seen a lovely top, can you buy it for my birthday.

YABVU not to provide a photo of the lizard jumper.

It could be your style is very bad and she wants to help you?

Oh and my late mother would take presents back if she didn’t feel you were grateful enough.
she would explode with rage and not speak to you for weeks as well as constantly threatening to write you out of her will over very trivial matters. She would always ask me why I wasn’t wearing her very expensive presents.I had to make up stories to keep her quiet.
If was about control. I lived in a state of terror most of them time in case she got angry.
i wanted the will though so put up with it.

I think a lot of the rubbish gift givers (my SiL is one) buy to budget, not for the person. So for example she would set a budget of £15 and go out shopping for something that cost £15. The only filter would be man, woman or child. She would find an item, any item, for that amount, for a woman and buy that. Job done. It’s a tick-box exercise. People like this are incapable of understanding that that’s not how to do gift-giving and that’s why they’re offended when they don’t get the response they want. They’ve taken the time (their time) and spent (their) money so you should be grateful.

Have you tried telling her what you would like for your birthday? email her the make, part no. and colour six weeks before your birthday or Christmas. Say 'mum, I really want this for my birthday'

If she still gets it wrong, she's doing it on purpose, so I'd reduce contact.

My mum doesn’t buy me stuff I like too… I told her not to and give me the money instead.

You could be describing my SIL in personality but that is going to hit extremely hard as a mother. It is essentially like a bit of narcissism that she hasn’t grown out of. Only able to think about herself basically. It is very tough for a child to grow up with that because God knows all of the adults around SIL are affected by her behaviour not to mind being a child. Honestly I think awareness and distance are the only things that help. They are incapable of changing. They stoped developing as teenagers and the narcissist traits come from even earlier. There is no where to go except acceptance.

I never buy presents unless I have been specifically told what to buy (or given options on a list). Trying to think of what an adult, especially one you don’t live with, would like is too time consuming and stressful. I don’t know why people put that task onto themselves.

Yanbu op, it's not about wanting a gift but about her not being thoughtful. Therefore, I wouldn't bother trying to clarify what you would like, tbf you do sound easier to buy for, but look to choose siren the whole gift exchange. I might then start being honest, knowing she'll take the martyrd position, if she ever does give you anything. Just smile and say "thank you, this isn't me at all so won't get used, would you like it?" On repeat. I said might. Just a easy I would take everything straight to charity. I have a bullying controlling ex who still (20 yrs later!) Sends me cards and presents. Cards go in the outside recycling unopened, presents go to charity unopened.

I find gifts really tricky. My mum is lovely and tries really hard with presents but I still find the things she buys me make me feel a bit unknown. This year for my birthday I told everyone I’m decluttering and there was no need for presents at all (I’ve actually been hinting this for years but explicitly said it this year) and I still received lots of presents. I realise my annoyance at this is ungrateful! I guess what I’m saying is gift giving and receiving seems to surface some complex feelings in many of us (am I known? Am I loved? Am I listened to?) and it’s understandable that repeatedly being presented with things that demonstrate she isn’t really seeing you for who you are is hurtful to you. You don’t have to be grateful for that.

If it helps at all I have no qualms about taking things I’ve been gifted straight to the charity shop - the person will likely never know and it’s liberating!

This is so sad. I’d never heard of mothers like this until Mumsnet. The thing with gifts is that you will look ungrateful if you complain because gifts are not to be demanded. I’ve never commented whether I like a gift because it’s a gift. If she asked me why I’m not wearing/ using it I would explain it’s not my colour/ style etc. Maybe say to her that you should no longer exchange gifts or stick to vouchers. Sorry your mum doesn’t appreciate who you are.

YABU - you can’t call someone out for poor gift choosing - it’s a gift!

it may be a disappointment, but you will never change her (just as she will never change you).

however, rather than a confrontational calling out you could always send her a wish list from Amazon, or say you have enough clothes and would like practical presents from now on.

I agree. For the older generation in particular(60/70/80) being particular about gifts is ungrateful/ demanding. I no longer have my lovely mum but she’d buy me something small but lovely like a beautiful China cup and saucer or a cushion. I still use them and think of her. We had similar taste so I was lucky. MIL on the other hand can’t let go of buying gifts even though I’ve said not to. She’ll buy me strawberry flavoured gin and I’m sure I’ve said I dislike sweet, fruity stuff but I say thank you and put it with the drinks that get wheeled out at Christmas.

You say your Mum "knows" that you can't tolerate e.g. feel of sequins, that you never wear baby blue.

Can you get ahead of this and give her timely reminders of what you do actually like - indeed exactly what you would like - as a present?

It's easy to think people know and remember things about you. They don't necessarily, especially if there's something going on for them. I wonder if your Mum has a thing about gift giving and generosity going on? It's clear she wants to give, so if you can help her understand how to really give you something, you both win. But that will mean you being direct with her about what you want for this birthday/Christmas. It may take repeating a few times. Either she will respond or she won't, and then you re-evaluate.

Yanbu. That's a poor show from her.
I am pretty crap at presents, compared to some people, but where my dc are concerned I always know their tastes and what they would like. It's a bit harder now they are away at uni (so I worry about getting them something they already have) but I love seeing things I think "dd/ds would love that!) Surely it's part of being a mum?

What does she buy other people?

My dad is like this. I’ve given up expecting anything I’ll like now. Still disappointing as I agree it’s hurtful when he gets it so wrong. Some years I have even told him what I want and the shop to go to and he still gets me something weird. It’s like he can’t really be bothered! Often he gets me things he knows I can’t eat because of allergies. One year he gave my mum a bucket wrapped in a bin bag!

As it’s all random stuff it sounds like she has just gone to the charity shop. YANBU and I would tell her to stop buying you presents.