Calling out my mum’s bad presents?

[Rhinestonerhi]

I’m 26 and for my entire life my mum has ALWAYS bought me gifts I don’t like and it upsets me because it makes me think she doesn’t know me. I find this really hard to believe because I have very obvious interests and hobbies that I talk about and a clear sense of style. I’m not hard to buy for, all my other friends and family do very well and I love their presents.

My mum wears lots of extremely bright colours with extravagant patterns and chunky jewellery, whereas Im a lot more minimalistic and stick very much to black, navy, neutrals, white and sometimes red. I’m extremely boring in comparison. I sometimes feel like she’s trying to project her style onto me. When I was a kid, she would offer to take me clothes shopping but only if she got to pick the clothes.

My mum and I have an odd relationship. I love her but she can be quite controlling whilst also acting like a bit of a victim at the same time. She’ll say something very insulting and then get upset if you respond. She’s also quite selfish and in her own world all the time but expects you to be there at the drop of a hat. My older brother has gone completely no contact with her for this reason but I’m trying to keep the peace.

Just last year she bought me a bedding set and some throw pillows with a really bright, neon pattern of some herons. They were lovely but I never put them on the bed. I’ve got a navy and white theme in my bedroom and have white linen sheets, I always have and she knows this. I wasn’t overly bothered cause it’s typical for my mum to buy presents in her own style rather than that of who she’s buying for.

Anyway, it was my birthday yesterday and I couldn’t really believe what she got me. She bought me a ridiculous baby blue cable knit wool jumper with a massive frill neckline and frilly sleeves. It was so ugly and made me look like a clown lizard when I tried it on later that night. I never wear baby blue, it’s like nothing she’d ever seen me wear before so I don’t see what motivated her to buy that. Also she knows I can’t stand the feeling of wool on my skin and who on earth buys wool as a present in May? She also bought me a bright pink fluffy clutch bag which makes no sense and a lime green sequin t-shirt. I haven’t worn sequins since I was a child because they irritate my arms and she knows this.

I’d like to think that these presents are just her picking out stuff that SHE likes and wants to see me in but after this year I’m starting to think maybe she’s picking awful stuff on purpose. Like come on, can you be THAT bad at presents?

last night I got quite upset about the presents. Not because I wanted something off her, but because my own mother doesn’t know me well enough to buy me just one thing I’d like after all these years. I said to her ‘do you even know anything about me? You know I can’t wear sequins or wool and you’ve never seen me wear these colours?’ I mentioned the bedding as well and asked if she’d ever seen me with anything other than white bedding.
she got really upset and called me ungrateful and left.

AIBU?

Wise post.

If you felt she was genuinely trying to get you something you liked, this wouldn’t be upsetting. It’s not about the stuff, it’s the fact she’s using stuff as a way to say “you should be more like this”.

This is something lots of us will struggle to get right occasionally. Everyone who’s ever given a gift of their own favourite novel, say, is walking a line between “I love this- maybe you will love it too” and “this is something you ought to love”. Staying on the right side of that line isn’t necessarily easy but it sounds as if your mum isn’t even trying to do so (a jumper in the wrong style is one thing- three sizes too small is something else).

So anyway, presents- bin, charity, whatever. The more important thing is the relationship.

This is her taste and her style. Isn't it a bit like having different lenses? She can only see through her lenses. It would probably be anathema to her to buy something that doesn't have colour or sequins - as though she was short changing you.

When you buy her gifts are you able to buy things in the style that she likes or do you find it difficult? I would find it difficult to buy for someone like your mum as her style sounds so out there. If you feel this way then perhaps you'll understand her a bit more.

It's OK that you told her what you would really like as gifts in the future as long as you did it with kindness. I don't think she's going to change though.

This might sound unusual, but I stopped exchanging gifts with my mum when I was 20. I already moved out and was working so spending my own money. I used to put in so much effort and she would hate everything. I’d buy things that suited her interests alongside flowers, card, chocolates. She literally would turn her face up and I was left regretting the purchase.

Meanwhile she would get me weird shit like a red leopard print pj set from Asda. Or a £5 shower gift set etc. It was apparent she would get me cheap/token things. I prefer not getting receiving them in the first place as the I don’t need to bother getting rid of them, plus I don’t need to feign excitement nor feel disappointed.

My late mum was just the same. It became a standing joke in the family.
I even told her what to buy me she still got it wrong.
She did the same with older brother but younger brother got just the right item.
I gave up caring what she bought. I always opened a few days before as I received them a week before as we lived far apart.
I thought I'd cracked it one year as I asked for her to buy a part of a dinner set.
Took her to the shop put her name on the list so nothing was duplicated.
Royal doulton wild cherry.
First Christmas I received an eternal beau plate. When I asked why it's because the other was boring.
Over the years I got an ornamental dog - Alsatian we had cavaliers.
Empty box in gold - to save my photos.
Pink jumper - size 6 I'm an 18.
DH was given a child's sports bag.
I could go on and on.
Older brother was always given second hand stuff.
All I can say is that the charity shops were hopefully happy with the donations.

I find peoples approach to gift giving quite intriguing. My best friend will go to the ends of the earth to find a gift that she knows I'll love. She thinks of me - then finds a gift I will appreciate. My MIL has a different approach, she accumulates 'presents' throughout the year as and when she sees stuff. Then at Christmas and Birthdays she takes one off the pile and wraps it up. So we all get random presents - I got a lunch bag which she had bought from a supermarket in Canada. I don't take lunch to work - so it's an odd present. But MIL sees giving a present as a transaction/task which she can cross off her list.

OP these presents were so extreme, it's like she was trying to tell you that you ought to like her style and can't bear that you don't. Maybe her insecurities mean that she sees your rather classic style as an attempt to be better in some way. She finds it hard to see your choices as simply that, and not about a rejection of her. Not sure that really helps with a way forward though.

I have a similar mum too OP. The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot, and I don’t know if my mum meets all the criteria but it’s the same issues, controlling, wants to impose her taste on me via terrible presents, insulting to me but can’t have a negative word said back, gets upset if she’s called out and calls me “hostile” and “oversensitive”.

I have been very upset by the presents issue too - it’s not because the presents themselves matter, it’s because she’s showing you she doesn’t notice or care who you are, and that hurts. A pp said “Look at the effect that a jumper and some bedding has had on you. Can you see the control it has over your emotions?”. And they’re right but I too have cried buckets over this.

Once my mum asked what I wanted for a present and I sent her a link to some nice bedsocks I wanted. She said no “I’m not buying those, I don’t like them.” I cried and I was in my 40s at the time. Because she was just hammering home that she doesn’t give two shits about my taste, feelings or the fact she’d actually asked me for a suggestion then threw it back in my face. It hurts because you want to feel a bond with your mum and that she cares.

I tried saying just don’t bother with presents (its not actually getting presents I care about, it’s the way she used them to upset me) and she just does it anyway - to her it’s a control mechanism that she doesn’t want to lose.

Not meaning to sound patronising at all, you’re only in your 20s and it took me decades to make sense of this and find ways to separate myself from the effects it had on me. It’s very hard, facing up to the fact your mum is not caring and loving in the way you need. I would say it’s a journey and you can’t just wake up one day and stop caring about it, but you’re doing the right thing to question it and look for support. I have had a few lovely mother-like figures through my life in friends and boyfriends’ mums, neighbours etc who have been there for me in ways my mum hasn’t.

And you’re not boring, you’re chic and minimalist, that’s great. It’s good that you know your own tastes and don’t let your mum affect them.

and a hug for you.

If my Mum buys me anything, it's always random and thoughtless because it was something she spontaneously bought from a Facebook ad😂

Gift them back to her for her birthday in a couple of years time.

If your Mum is a narcissist, the worst thing you can do is either ignore the awfulness of her gifts (because she wants a hurt reaction from you) or laugh at them.

I'm.37 and my parents buy me nothing even my kids get nothing

My mum was like this. Bought me a tin of hair accessories as a teen when I had a pixie cut.

We stopped doing any non-edible presents when I turned 18.

PIL bought me a double CD of “housework songs” the first Xmas I was with DH. Haven’t done any sort of present swapping with them since (25 years). Makes life so much easier.

I feel your frustration - my mother is exactly the same. She gets me things she likes or thinks I should have. I have noticed a new trend when she follows the theme of what I get for her birthday...so a box of deluxe handmade chocolates I get her becomes cheese pots for me. I just manage my expectations these days.

some mothers do deliberately want to upset their children…

My dm is similar. Bought me a wooden cat looking at its own bum. We have dogs. Eventually, I gently told her to stop buying ornaments/trinkets/plastic chunky jewellery from her sun, sea and sand holidays, it just so isn’t me. She finally decided vouchers/cash is the way forward, thank god and I’m always mega grateful.

I sent them back... and told her why... and said I hope she kept the receipts...

There must be a shop especially where your mother goes to get this crap!!!!

She never seems excited or happy, just a ‘here’s your gift’ kinda vibe. Then looking very carefully at me for a reaction. I always pretend I like them (not over the top just like ‘aw that’s nice thanks’) but this year was just too much I couldn’t even fake it because of how ridiculous they were.

YANBU

She clearly can't be arsed to see you for who you are and you are long overdue in pointing that out. That's not being ungrateful; that's being overlooked and ignored as a daughter she's supposed to love for who they are.

Very similar stuff to what she buys for herself. I pay very close attention to the brands she likes to wear and the colour scheme in the house. I bought her a colourful emma Bridgwater dining set last year which she uses all the time. Year before that I got her a big, colourful fur throw for the living room that matches her colour scheme which, again, she always uses.

This made me sad.

What’s wrong with Baylis and Harding stuff?

I do sympathise, OP, it is awful to not feel 'seen' by your own mum. But I think for your own happiness you should abandon hope on the presents.

Some people are just terrible present-givers - I am. Last Christmas was a particular high point: I gave a relative a book on politics which I had really enjoyed. She does love books, and politics, but she declared she never reads books I give her because I have 'an agenda'. My mum then chimed in saying I had given her two vintage paintings the year before that are so awful she stores them in the attic, facing the wall. Then someone else started laughing about the hideous artefact I had given them.

I was so crushed! I had thought these were epic presents. I had to realise that I clearly lack the empathy and insight (and possibly taste) that I had thought I had. I'm going to have to resort to Body Shop baskets, aren't I?

You’re missing a trick here! Take the stuff back yourself for refund or exchange. That way, you will actually get some pleasure out of it.