Calling out my mum’s bad presents?

[Rhinestonerhi]

I’m 26 and for my entire life my mum has ALWAYS bought me gifts I don’t like and it upsets me because it makes me think she doesn’t know me. I find this really hard to believe because I have very obvious interests and hobbies that I talk about and a clear sense of style. I’m not hard to buy for, all my other friends and family do very well and I love their presents.

My mum wears lots of extremely bright colours with extravagant patterns and chunky jewellery, whereas Im a lot more minimalistic and stick very much to black, navy, neutrals, white and sometimes red. I’m extremely boring in comparison. I sometimes feel like she’s trying to project her style onto me. When I was a kid, she would offer to take me clothes shopping but only if she got to pick the clothes.

My mum and I have an odd relationship. I love her but she can be quite controlling whilst also acting like a bit of a victim at the same time. She’ll say something very insulting and then get upset if you respond. She’s also quite selfish and in her own world all the time but expects you to be there at the drop of a hat. My older brother has gone completely no contact with her for this reason but I’m trying to keep the peace.

Just last year she bought me a bedding set and some throw pillows with a really bright, neon pattern of some herons. They were lovely but I never put them on the bed. I’ve got a navy and white theme in my bedroom and have white linen sheets, I always have and she knows this. I wasn’t overly bothered cause it’s typical for my mum to buy presents in her own style rather than that of who she’s buying for.

Anyway, it was my birthday yesterday and I couldn’t really believe what she got me. She bought me a ridiculous baby blue cable knit wool jumper with a massive frill neckline and frilly sleeves. It was so ugly and made me look like a clown lizard when I tried it on later that night. I never wear baby blue, it’s like nothing she’d ever seen me wear before so I don’t see what motivated her to buy that. Also she knows I can’t stand the feeling of wool on my skin and who on earth buys wool as a present in May? She also bought me a bright pink fluffy clutch bag which makes no sense and a lime green sequin t-shirt. I haven’t worn sequins since I was a child because they irritate my arms and she knows this.

I’d like to think that these presents are just her picking out stuff that SHE likes and wants to see me in but after this year I’m starting to think maybe she’s picking awful stuff on purpose. Like come on, can you be THAT bad at presents?

last night I got quite upset about the presents. Not because I wanted something off her, but because my own mother doesn’t know me well enough to buy me just one thing I’d like after all these years. I said to her ‘do you even know anything about me? You know I can’t wear sequins or wool and you’ve never seen me wear these colours?’ I mentioned the bedding as well and asked if she’d ever seen me with anything other than white bedding.
she got really upset and called me ungrateful and left.

AIBU?

Yanbu OP.
That is really awful.
I think you have every right to be hugely pissed off at getting such hideously inappropriate presents that are nowhere near your taste.

Every gift may not be bang on, but really shouldn't be the complete opposite end of taste.

I don't know what to advise bar see less of her.

Perhaps ask for a voucher in future as she is wasting so much money on tacky shite which ends up in landfill.

I’m not that poster but here you go…

'Mum, I mean this with the best will in the world but please stop wasting your money on gifts that I just never like nor use. If you would like to gift me something for my birthday then vouchers for insert shop name here would be lovely, but otherwise please don't waste your money'

OP, it's possible your Mum genuinely believes the clothes she chooses for you are gorgeous. Maybe she is unconsciousy choosing what she likes for you. Maybe she just has bad taste and doesn't realise it.

It was a bit off letting it get to the explosive stage and throwing up the flamingos!
Wouldn't it be better to ask for vouchers or money for presents as you have seen something you would like to buy?

I find it hard buying for my DD TBH. We now go shopping together for Christmas .and as he BD is near this time incorporate that as well.Just make a day of it .Can choose hers as well ."surprises" are usually disappointing I find

My Dparents are the same OP. I will never understand it.

I mean, I'm struggling to work out where she would even find a baby blue cable knit jumper with massive frill, a fluffy neon pink handbag and a lime green sequin t-shirt in 2025. But, hats off to her for trying! You should be proud!

Every year for xmas my dm buys me a black bag, a supermarket branded one. I had 5 of them built up that I gave to charity. I never wear black and always make a point if saying this but she still buys one every year without fail. I really think shes started losing her marbles, why would a person need that many of the same bag. At least you get a variety of different things from your dm 🤣 Seriously though, why can't they just give money or a voucher instead?

Im in my 40’s now and can’t think of a gift my mum has bought me that was something relevant to me. It was extremely upsetting in my younger years but now I know it would cause an argument and I don’t want to seem ungrateful as she randomly gifts me money throughout the year and pays for family dinners. But I would put that aside for her to actually know me or anything about me. She has no real interest in my life but I know she loves me a lot and would do anything for me. She has very different taste to me anyway and is a bargain hunter but she is the queen of the re-gift. She’s gifted me things I’ve bought her before, or that I’ve given back to her or that have been used.
This Christmas (as well as money) I got a basic salt and pepper shaker, not a fancy grinder one, from B&M (cost £1), a book on Arnold Schwazngerr, a cook book I’d been given before, a hair Beth that had been used, sequin slippers from Primark that weren’t my size and my husband got an opened bottle of aftershave from Aldi own brand. And every year I get earrings from TKMaxx that are truly awful.
I know it sounds funny but OP I know how hurtful it can be because it shows they have no real thought of you. I would bring it up as you have nothing to lose, but my relationship with my Mum is in a decent place now and she’s old so would be pointless.
Even writing this I feel ungrateful as she does give me money and my guilt is bad but wanted to let you know I understand where you’re coming from.

The lurid colours are presumably because she has decided you ought to wear / use brighter colours (like her?). The sequins/wool thing is just ridiculous.

She sounds dreadfully controlling and selfish. Maybe someone needs to explain to her in words of one syllable that the point of presents is to give something you have good reason to think the recipient will like, to make them happy.

What would she say if the next gift you give her is something you like but know she won't?

How would she respond if you told her what to get, or asked for vouchers? Is that not better than assuming she just knows or is psychic?

My DDs and I usually do this rather than take a wild guess and get it wrong. My mother prefers to give money so that the person can either buy what they want or save it.

It isn't always easy to know what someone else really wants, if they actually want anything. Even if you have known them for decades.

Funnily enough, everyone seems to think they are easy to buy for, or that they themselves are these fabulous gift givers. In my experience it usually isn't that simple.

I'm not a good gift buyer and prefer to give gift tokens or money, but then people bitch about it being impersonal or no effort and I tend to feel I have to spend more on a cash gift.
People who say, you know my style...Yes I know your style, you mainly wear sports branded clothing and jeans. I buy a Nike hoodie and the response was, do you mind if I return it, I have too many hoodies, although yes, it was a teen.

I know it's not quite the same as your mother, who is obviously making some kind of unkind point about your style not being right, because it doesn't match hers and the sizing issue is just bloody downright mean.
But I do wish we could ditch presents for adults, as it's an expensive minefield.

I wonder if this was like my great aunts gifts to me...

Open a cupboard, find something she wore once in 1982/1972, or forgot to send back to some dodgy company, and randomly give to one of her (lucky) nieces for birthday/Christmas

Completely zero thought as to what the recipient would like /their style... ...

Once I got an empty lipstick container in agree make up bag from John Lewis , and an old ladies black tatty handbag (I think from one of her elderly dead friends... It smelt grim)... I was 12 and the most ungirly girl out... I'd have been delighted with a book /record voucher... But that would have actually cost money rather than passing her rubbish on to me!

you n eed to ask for a voucher in future
can you return the gifts?

Sorry but this is absolutely shit for you… some of these examples of ‘gifts’ listed by people here- honestly they’d be better off giving nothing, how utterly embarrassing giving used or empty already cheap products to someone. I’d honestly think they were mentally unwell if I got something like this. It almost shows a degree of hubris or disrespect and needs calling out. OP, she is meant to be your mum, that means for birthdays and Christmas she buys something you will like. The only exception to this would be if she literally had no money at all- in that situation I’d tell her not to bother but to come round for a cuppa on the day. I find my dad impossible to buy for- I just ask him now what he wants or if he is being evasive then I just buy him a voucher for his favourite shop. I don’t just grab rubbish from the shop or the back of my cupboards.

it seems passive aggressive to me, like she is trying to show you that she doesn’t care about what you think so she will enjoy herself doing as she pleases (or push it further) even if it annoys you.

Please find some satisfaction and bring some balance to yourself by putting the gifts in the wheelie bin as soon as you get home. If she doesn’t give a shit, neither should you. No need to have reminders around of her lack of care or trying to find them a home.

What do you buy for her?

I would stop buying presents for each other as it gives her a chance to be unpleasant to you. Just say no more presents and if she gives you one let her see you put it straight in the bin unopened. Never open them.

I just ask my adult DCs what they want and they ask me -sometimes with the occasional chocs or flowers.easy

This.

Preemptively tell her you dont want any gifts anymore. Any gifts.

Those "gifts" are insane. I wouldnt give then to someone I dislike! 🫠

I can’t believe no one has mentioned ‘Narcissist’ yet. Mumsnet standards are slipping!

For my 40th, my mum gave me 40 small presents. She had gone round her house finding random things such as a button, a badge, a mug she had (badly) made and a shell. She thought it was a fun project and she clearly enjoyed rummaging through her possessions. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say. Shopping was never her favourite activity and she was starting to lose her sight, to be fair.

Return them.

Tell her they are ridiculous and to get her money back.

My parents are awful gift givers. I think it’s partly because they are convinced that presents should be “something a bit different” which inevitably means they’re not something the recipient will actually like.

I’m used to it now and either give them very, very specific suggestions (i.e. I send them a link to what I want) or just accept that I’ll need to take everything they buy me to the charity shop.

To be fair I don’t think they are particularly impressed with the presents I buy them either! We just don’t seem to be on the same wavelength when it comes to this.

Maybe suggest that you stop doing presents going forward?

It’s not the present it’s what the present symbolises which is that she can’t be arsed and she does not see op as an autonomous person. I sympathise op , I have similar.