Calling out my mum’s bad presents?

[Rhinestonerhi]

I’m 26 and for my entire life my mum has ALWAYS bought me gifts I don’t like and it upsets me because it makes me think she doesn’t know me. I find this really hard to believe because I have very obvious interests and hobbies that I talk about and a clear sense of style. I’m not hard to buy for, all my other friends and family do very well and I love their presents.

My mum wears lots of extremely bright colours with extravagant patterns and chunky jewellery, whereas Im a lot more minimalistic and stick very much to black, navy, neutrals, white and sometimes red. I’m extremely boring in comparison. I sometimes feel like she’s trying to project her style onto me. When I was a kid, she would offer to take me clothes shopping but only if she got to pick the clothes.

My mum and I have an odd relationship. I love her but she can be quite controlling whilst also acting like a bit of a victim at the same time. She’ll say something very insulting and then get upset if you respond. She’s also quite selfish and in her own world all the time but expects you to be there at the drop of a hat. My older brother has gone completely no contact with her for this reason but I’m trying to keep the peace.

Just last year she bought me a bedding set and some throw pillows with a really bright, neon pattern of some herons. They were lovely but I never put them on the bed. I’ve got a navy and white theme in my bedroom and have white linen sheets, I always have and she knows this. I wasn’t overly bothered cause it’s typical for my mum to buy presents in her own style rather than that of who she’s buying for.

Anyway, it was my birthday yesterday and I couldn’t really believe what she got me. She bought me a ridiculous baby blue cable knit wool jumper with a massive frill neckline and frilly sleeves. It was so ugly and made me look like a clown lizard when I tried it on later that night. I never wear baby blue, it’s like nothing she’d ever seen me wear before so I don’t see what motivated her to buy that. Also she knows I can’t stand the feeling of wool on my skin and who on earth buys wool as a present in May? She also bought me a bright pink fluffy clutch bag which makes no sense and a lime green sequin t-shirt. I haven’t worn sequins since I was a child because they irritate my arms and she knows this.

I’d like to think that these presents are just her picking out stuff that SHE likes and wants to see me in but after this year I’m starting to think maybe she’s picking awful stuff on purpose. Like come on, can you be THAT bad at presents?

last night I got quite upset about the presents. Not because I wanted something off her, but because my own mother doesn’t know me well enough to buy me just one thing I’d like after all these years. I said to her ‘do you even know anything about me? You know I can’t wear sequins or wool and you’ve never seen me wear these colours?’ I mentioned the bedding as well and asked if she’d ever seen me with anything other than white bedding.
she got really upset and called me ungrateful and left.

AIBU?

I’m getting images of Phoebe Buffet’s paintings she gifted to Monica and Rachel 🫣

When my parents were alive/compus mentis we, (my brother, sister and me) got some weird presents for Christmas.

Often all the same and as if they’d had a trolley dash round either Lakeland plastics or IKEA. Think electronic nick knacks, wheeled butchers block trolley.

I've got the latter in our garage.

Always nice to get the presents and I’d never any issues with them but they made for interesting conversations later ( and harder for my brother who lived in the same village) Me and my sister could off load them to charity shops as their visits were fairly infrequent.

I would be very tempted to do this 👆🏼 OP.

Like some PPs, I don’t think that the gifts are just unfortunate choices on her part; from what you said of her more generally, it seems to me that she is deliberately giving you things she knows you won’t like. Which is so unkind on so many levels.

So you could perhaps ask her not to buy you any gifts any more.

Or perhaps another possibility could be not to unwrap them in front of her - can’t think of what excuse you might use - so that you take away the perverse thrill she seems to get.

Sorry, not sure if any of these are at all helpful within the reality of your situation, but a belated Happy Birthday OP, and I hope you have lots of other people in your life who were able to show you love and care 💐

SIL is a bit like this. I will give her the credit that she does give me gifts that she would like to receive - just can't seem to get her head around the fact that others don't. I have a couple of others who are equally bad so now I just do a regift circus and spend the money I save on stuff I actually want. Perhaps you should start regifting the presents back to your mother and use the money you would have spent on things you want?

I feel your pain. My Mum was usually fine but my Dad just ignores birthdays etc now he is on his own.

Mine only remembers mine but not my DH or DC. I used to remind him and he has DM’s birthday book . I gave up.

There are so many threads on here about gifts I wonder why anyone bothers!

Most people are struggling with cost of living to some extent. Most people would agree they have too much stuff and struggle to keep homes free of clutter. So many potential minefields about what to buy, when to stop buying for children, how important thank yous are after receiving a gift and how to deliver them, how much to spend, whether a gift is indicative of how much someone knows or loves you....

I was very amused she would think I’d like it as I have nothing like that in my house.

This is the gist of it, isn't it?

Mind you, my husband is just as bad. He's bought me a couple of poster prints of book quotes, not noticing that all the things I buy related to my interests are only thematically linked/representative. I don't "do" literal stuff.

But obviously I want a Harry Potter envelope handbag...? (Whereas my sister bought me a random handbag that she said "just looked like a witch would own it" - without being literal merch.)

I think I'm hard to buy for though because almost nobody gets it right!

Given my style guide is "what would Rebecca DeWinter buy" that's probably fair.

If you genuinely believe your mother is spending time and money to buy gifts as an act of aggression, then I'm assuming you have multiple other reasons to believe she has a deep dislike for you, and a seriously flawed character?

Do you mean @Boiledbeetle ?

I'll have a go until she turns up. Here's how the AI sees what I thought when I read how the OP felt about herself & the pale blue cardigan...

Here’s a pic of my partner wearing it later that night to lighten the mood 😂 not the best pic as it’s a screenshot from a video

The AI was close, then.😂

That pic's a cracker.

Each time she gives you a gift, look her square in the eyes and say ‘have you got the receipt for this?’, if no ask if she’ll drop directly to the chazzer shop for you. You’re welcome.

Oh it's not that bad. The cuffs aren't great but you could tuck them in. I can see if being fine with some navy trousers for work in the winter.

Your mistake is in thinking your mother is thinking about you, when she selects a gift for you.

No. She's using your birthday as an excuse to go shopping. She's enjoying the shopping process, browsing around stores she likes, looking at things she enjoys, plumping for what she thinks would be appropriate (not according to your tastes and style, but according to how much she wants to spend on you and whether she thinks you need a sweater or whether something is good and on sale etc).

Once the purchases are complete, she's lost all interest. She's not much bothered about giving them to you. Really what she wants is MORE interest in herself: effusive thanks for her thoughtfulness, acknowledgement of her taste, praise for the time and money she's expended on you.

Her giving you gifts is nothing to do with you (for her). It's about her. It's about her process of giving, not your process of receiving.

Open it up for the collar, too...

@Rhinestonerhi I can totally relate to the present thing, Well done for challenging her though!

I'm in my forties and without fail my mum buys me stuff that she would surely know I wouldn't like. It's usually scarfs, jewellery etc., but really not to my taste. The last one seemed like a nice present - it was a creative workshop...but it was for 8 hours on a Saturday, I have a tonne of animals, two young children (with all the clubs and hobbies that they have) and land that I already can't manage. I don't even get 8 hours sleep, let alone 8 hours to do something I've never shown the slightest bit of interest in. It was a lot of money, so I said thank you, but she should either go or try to get her money back.

I would think she was just crap at presents, but since I've had kids I've noticed a lot of things around how she treats me, how she's always treated me. My husband gets very thoughtful presents from her and his will be wrapped beautifully, mine is usually rolled up and stuck down!

To be honest, I just don't think she likes me very much (she used to say the whole: 'I love you, but I don't like you' a lot when I was a kid). I was brought up by her to be a people pleaser, my needs very much came last, and so for many, many years I tried to make her proud of me.

She is weirdly competitive with me about everything - education, driving skills, fitness; she'll compliment me when I look awful and not say a word when she knows I've made an effort. She's very manipulative - will go away for two weeks and then if I can't let her see the kids on a particular day when she gets back then I'm accused of 'keeping her away from the grandkids' and she loves them so much and I'm just awful. She treats the kids with such kindness, love and care, and that makes me feel sorry for myself...because I would have done anything to get that attention from her as a kid - I just got the flip flop or slipper.

The dynamics have shifted since hitting my forties and I will put boundaries in place now, but it's taken a lot to get to this place - and a lot of phones being hung up on me. My brothers can't do anything wrong of course, despite not seeing her much, they don't even bother asking what she's doing for Christmas, Mother's Day etc. anymore, they just expect that I will do it.

If I have any advice for you, it would be to continue to put in place boundaries and being honest with her when she is being inappropriate, rude or overstepping because if you don't yet have kids - it will get much worse when you do. I wish I had done it sooner.

This is typical of narcissistic mothers. If I said anything to mine she would act the victim "I did my best", "why do I get Everything wrong", etc.
Then she'd get me something equally shit next time. I've since learned that telling these people you're hurt by their behaviour is giving them a weapon to use against you. They are deeply damaged people who get satisfaction (narcissistic supply) out of hurting people they claim to love.
It's rotten and I sympathise with you.

Gift whatever she gets you back to her next time.

(do you buy her gifts to your taste or try to get what she'd like. Maybe she is hoping you will gift it back?)

Oh stop it 😂 it’s awful op, but it doesn’t really matter all that much what any of us think of it, the facts are that your mum keeps buying you stuff that blatantly isn’t to your tastes and she either doesn’t care enough to try harder to find you something you’d actually like or that she doesn’t know what you’d like. Shit options either way, I’d be upset too. I’d definitely be telling her when something won’t be used, it would be different if a present missed the mark as a one off but every time is just ridiculous.

This book will help you.

https://ia600505.us.archive.org/3/items/1570719797-658/1570719797-658.pdf

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Oh my god that’s awful what made her think a
jumper was a good idea in this weather. I think that’s one of the ugliest jumpers I’ve ever seen.

My mum always had a habit of buying things for herself, deciding she doesn't really like them, and then "gifting" them to me. This annoyed the hell out of me when i was a teenager - did she really expect me to dress like a middle aged woman? Now i put my foot down and say - mum, you know these are going straight to a charity shop.

You do know we have a winter every year? It’s not “this weather” for ever. It looks like cashmere to me. Sell it on eBay or Vinted and use the money for something you like @Rhinestonerhi.